Need an outside opinion.............Please help?

Question

My husband and I have been struggling with issues of trust for quite some time now. Over the past couple months things were getting quite better. Anyway we both went out Saturday night, to different places and I ended up bumping into a friend, who I have known since I was a youngster. We talked and danced together for two songs......there was no inappropriate touching done by either one of us. My husband walks in and through a fit. He left, got in a fight outside with my brother who was trying to tell him nothing was going on, and was completely raged. Meanwhile I walked home, which was only 2 blocks away, and he came home. Before I could get one word in, he was in my face and grabbed my jaw as hard as possible, yelling at me calling me every name in the book. Later that night.....after I thought he calmed down he got physical with me, then called some girl who he had just met previously that night to come and pick him up. So he left that night and I didnt see him until Sunday

Sunday morning he comes home, telling me he is done he doesnt even want to try. I apologized, even though at the time I didnt see any harm in dancing with my friend, which my husband had met before. Anyway he wants to end a 6 year relationship, move away from me and his two boys and act like being married to me never happened. I can't believe a little thing like this, and he wants to end it.
So this morning he calls me and I ask him if there is anything I can do, and he said I would have to do what he tells me to do. I can't go out anymore, I need to do what women are suppose to do and stay home. If there is a birthday at a bar, I can send a card. Not only that I can't play volleyball anymore....it is coed, and I only go to volleyball to really play it. He says that I shouldn't be there because guys are there and he can't trust me around guys anymore. So basically I have to give up everthing that men would be at....

Sunday morning he comes home, telling me he is done he doesnt even want to try. I apologized, even though at the time I didnt see any harm in dancing with my friend, which my husband had met before. Anyway he wants to end a 6 year relationship, move away from me and his two boys and act like being married to me never happened. I can't believe a little thing like this, and he wants to end it.
So this morning he calls me and I ask him if there is anything I can do, and he said I would have to do what he tells me to do. I can't go out anymore, I need to do what women are suppose to do and stay home. If there is a birthday at a bar, I can send a card. Not only that I can't play volleyball anymore....it is coed, and I only go to volleyball to really play it. He says that I shouldn't be there because guys are there and he can't trust me around guys anymore. So basically I have to give up everthing that men would be at....

Am I being totally selfish by not giving up some things to save my marriage?

Answer 1

Let's see here. You knew he was having trust issues and you went out to a club without him and started dancing with another guy. Acting like that shows quite clearly that you are willing to lose your relationship with him.

When someone has trust issues and you are working to build trust, you are supposed to avoid situations that look bad. To a sane and secure person, what you did was completely innocent. But to a jealous husband, it was crossing the line. If you want to be with him, don't cross the line. That doesn't mean you have to obey his every command either. You both need to sit down and lay out some ground rules. Figure out for the both of you what is acceptable and what is not. Make sure you give yourself the freedom you need with this agreement. If he cannot agree, then he is simply too jealous and childish and will likely never change. In that case he will likely run you off anyway.

So stop acting like you're just innocently dancing with an old friend when you know you have a jealous husband who could be lurking around the corner. You could be jeopardizing your safety as well as the safety of the unsuspecting friend. Give your husband a reasonable chance to build trust in you or get out. As long as you stay with him and ignore his jealousy, you will only be endagering yourself and tormenting him.

Answer 2

Been there and done that. It's a rough decision but a move has to be made. It sound like your husband is very jealous . From my experience I found the reason was he thought I was doing th same thing he was., he couldn't handle it. First of all, why do you go out alone ? This only leads to temptation and mistrust. When you are married you should find things to do together. How did he have the phone # of a girl he just met ? Doesn't it send up red flags to you ? Either work things to where you two go out together or split. You didn't mention is you have kids. If so , this is NO life for them. If he got physicial once-----he will again. Your age wasn't mentioned so if you're young then you're facing years of this abuse. I did it for 11 years and my kids were torn up all the time. The abuse got worse and each year it was nmuch worse, Finally my kids asked me about a divorce and they said they wanted to divorce dad. The abuse got so bad that I have a brain tumor that can't be taken out. Yea, been there and done that. At first I thought it was my fault somehow , But, it wasn't. When he'd go out he didn't dance but yet I'd smell perfume on him. Lipstick on the collar was a sign too. He always had an excuse and I fell for it for 11 years but, I finally wised up. I had a friend from work follow him one night and I even found out where his "friend" lived. Yeap, I showed up there one night and there they were naked. Now he wasn't fixing her plumbing, or least under the sink------if you get my drift. So I would suggest if you love him that either you go to a marriage counsler, Pastor, or talk and make some rules. Don't go to bars without each other and don't smother each other every second. If the rules work then hunting trips of fishing trips can work ,if you feel comfortabe with his going alone. Either you all come to an agreement now or I fear for you. If will only get worse and no one thinks it ever will. BUT IT DOES. GOOD LUCK AND I DO HOPE YOU CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE If he is an alcoholic ,then there's no help ,unless he gets help for that.

Answer 3

Sorry about your situation.

At a very minimum, you need marital counseling. If you've tried that, and it didn't work, and he still behaves like that, you need him out of your life.

You probably should buy an hour of time to talk to a divorce attorney, tell him what you've said above, and have him let you know what you are in for if you decide to leave him.

At least there will be a record of his violence, if only with the attorney. If it happens again, you should immediately call the police, and also get a restraining order against him.

Keep in mind, restraining orders are not what restrain people. Only the guy's RESPECT for the law and for the restraining order will do that. If he is so low as to hit women in the first place, he may well ignore the restraining order.

So you should immediately change the locks on your place so he can't get in, and ALWAYS have a cell phone with you 24/7 to call 911 if you need to.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I'm not married.. And this is the reason why. Guys have trust issues because they tend to be jealous. Umm.. I wouldn't try to work things out with him. He shouldn't have laid a finger on you in an abusive way, if he was pissed off he would have went after the guy too. He should have known you weren't doing wrong because your brother was there. If he loved you enough he would have listen and not left with some random girl. He thinks that you did something so now he's home and you know what he did. If you guys have kids together I would try consoling because it's really hard on the kids, but if not don't put yourself through all the pain, it's not worth it.

Answer 5

So in order for your husband to come back you have to give up anything that involves the opposite sex? Wow, that's crazy!First of all that is impossible. You'd have to stay locked up in your house and never come out if you were going to avoid being around men. Second of all who is he to tell you what you can and can't do? No offense but he's got some serious issues. The trust between you two is gone obviously and if you can't trust each other how are you going to make this relationship work? I don't know what to tell you because you are the one who has to make the decision. I guess ask yourself what are you willing to live with? I know I would never let a man tell me what I can or can't do, nor would I ever do that to someone.

Answer 6

If you have issues of trust you should not be going to a place where you get to dance with an old friend. He sounds like he is trying to get revenge and sounds like a childish yet abusive person. You both need to communicate better and you should only go out to dance with your husband. Trust is not something that you gain overnight. I guess I don't fall for your one sided story like most people.
Edit: The decision is yours. We can not make up your mind but it seems like he wants you to trade your freedom for saving a marriage. I personally would go for saving the marriage because nothing is worth the emotional problems that your boys will be facing when there is no father in the house. As I mentioned earlier trust can be gained over time but for now it looks like you have to hang around your husband more. The downfall is if he will take advantage of you and get physical again. You need to sit down with him and tell him that you may do the trading but if he gets physically abusive then you have to walk out. It is one thing not to have a father in the house but it is horrible if your children see the physical abuse in the house. I am hoping that this was a one time incident. I am sorry my dear.

Answer 7

What do you mean opinion? Do you have to be run over by a semi in order to know it? Your boy Friend needs some counseling and so do you! If you both want this to work "spit the sheets!" Staying in a disrupted relationship is only prolonging a confrontation with reality, in plain words somebody is going to get hospitalized! Now, maybe he could send a brief question or request to the answer column like you did. I'm sure there are numerous people whom will guide the man to a proper place for help. Voluntary Counselor Western Illinois University

Answer 8

My goodness gracious he must be some jerk off.. How could he even think that you were messing around? I believe (I mean this truly) He has been looking for an excuse to act like this for awhile.. Guaranteed, he has already been messing around.. Now you cant leave the house... Will he be staying home with you? (NO!) but The girl coming over to pick him up where did the phone number come from? A piece of paper in his pocket? Did he have it memorized? Or was it on his cel phone? Lots of questions... Don't give up anything! You deserve a life and if you do this you will have no life.... Good luck.... And I wish you love... Grant M in Pennsylvania

Answer 9

I don't really care if you and your friend were doing the horizontal polka when your husband walked in, the biggest issue here is that he laid hands on you. No man has the right to do that no matter what the provocation, and he doesn't even seem to think it's a problem. You don't even seem to think it's the biggest problem!!

His other demands are unreasonable, but if I were you, I would be concerned about the escalation in his physicality with you. It will only get worse and then we'll be answering your questions on how can you leave your husband when he's crippled you for life.

Leave him now and don't look back.

Answer 10

I see no reason to keep this marriage going there are too many issues involved to give it much of a chance. To begin with neither of you trusts the other, so why would you want to stay with someone you do not trust. Your husband seems to have no reservation about going out with and probably sleeping with someone else. He seems to have a need to be in control of you so that you have no freedom. In addition it appears he has no reservations about using physical force on you. Any one of these would be enough to question this relationship. No doubt your husband has issues with you as well so why would either of you want to keep living together. I think it is time to say goodbye and look for a more suitable partner for both of you. Face the facts you have no reason to continue with him.