POEM HELP and REVISING?!?

Question

I have found a person deep in my heart, and it was jesus that is where I start. You came to me and swept my feet and you're the one who made me complete.

My name is Kesiha that's who i became, a girl who loves to pray almost everyday. My parents always told me be careful for what i pray, it may come true and it may not be what I want to go through.

Seeing myself in heaven in many years, hoping yo see my family with happy years. In heavegn I would love the sound of J' moss, a person I would love to hear around. Heaven smelling like gunbo soup, a smell that is not like in hell, but a smell that rings my bell.

I am a hard worker even at school, this will lead me to get a huge jewel. Thank god for making me who I am, a friendly girl that would help anyone even all the hard times when things are undone because now it had just begun.

Answer 1

Asdasd,

I gather you are asking for advice in revising.

First, let me say that the most difficult poetry to write is poetry that involves baring your soul to others.

While I appreciate the emotional intensity of the conversion experience, that in itself does not make for a good poem.

You've taken a good first step, namely you've gotten down on paper the basic ideas you want to convey. Writers call this "pre-writing."

Why don't you start with just one verse, say the first, and really work on it. What rhyme scheme and meter pattern are you aiming for? If you read it out loud, or better yet get someone else to read it out loud, you'll see that it is almost impossible to read without stumbling on the words. There is no consistent meter to what you have written. Nor does it sound as if you are trying to write free verse.

As for the rhyme, don't let searching for rhyme compromise the sense of what you are saying. For example, the only reason I can see for the phrase "that is where I start" is that you need something to rhyme with "heart." But think about it: you begin by saying "I found". This gives a sense that you have been searching, or at least were lost. Then (finally) you found what you needed, Jesus. It makes no sense to then refer to that as where you started. You've just described it more as a destination or an arrival, rather than as a point of departure. For the sake of rhyme, you've presented two conficting images. (You could talk about a new start, but the extra syllable really won't help the meter.)


I am not an expert by any means (all of MY poetry has been awful!), so i don't know how to give you criticism that is more helpful. But at least allow me to wish you well in your walk with the Lord.

Peace,
Michael

Answer 2

Is there a question there?