My future Mother In Law HATES me...?

Question

...because we live in a small town & shes heard bad things about my past. Im 21 & have been dating her son for 2 years - hes 25. We are getting married in April '08. She doesnt understand Im not a wild teen anymore & she wont even give me a chance to get to know me! My fiance is from a quiet & conservative Christian family. Theyve barely spoken to me since weve been together. This weekend she told me how she felt about me - she went as far as saying Im nothing but a rebound & a whore. She keeps asking around about me & she even called a past employer of mine to ask why I was fired a year ago! She asked me about things shes heard & when I told her the truth she didnt believe me. Ive even admitted things which are none of her business! I dont want to be at war with her & I dont want this to cause problems with my fiance! She doesnt want us to get married and thinks Im not good enough for her son. Why is it so hard for her to believe that hes in love with me?! Where should I go from here?

Answer 1

There's nothing you can do to make her love you. I'm sure this has more to do with HER than you... having a past doesnt make you a bad person. I'm sure she has a past, too.

I'd write her a sincere letter, explaining your love for your husband and how you have the best intentions. Tell her you need her support and will not accept being called a "rebound" or a "whore". Tell her you want her in your life, and you want to start over. Then give her time. She has two options- 1. Accept you and be a loving, supportive part of your life or 2. Deny you and continue on in her behavior, and you cut her out of your life.

Just live your life and dont worry about how she views you. I've been married 14 years and my MIL swore I was a harlot. Three kids later, she still thinks I'm using my husband. I see her once every few years and she has no interest in us. It's HER loss, not ours. Best of luck!

Answer 2

Where is your fiance in all of this??
You have done enough talking.
He really needs to be the one to put his foot down and to tell his mother that any of her questions will no longer be answered, as you have shared anough already. You two are going to be married and she needs to let the past be the past. Seeing she is from a Christian background, next time she wants to get down on you about your past, tell her that the bible teaches forgiveness, tolerance and love and you were just wondering when you would see a little of that!!
Leave it at that and say no more.
If he doesn't step up and intervene on your behalf with his mother, be warned as you may be marrying a "momma's boy" and he will always take her side or do nothing and this will continue the entire time she is around.
From the way it sounds, no one will be good enough for her boy. She is looking for bad things about you, calling past employers..that is major creepy. It might be better to keep her at arms length. Just so long as you fiance understands that once you are married you come first, not his mother who is insulting your relationship.
Good Luck.

Answer 3

My mother in law hated me too. Years of having to be the bigger person and tears have ended up giving me a good relationship with her. It started off bad, but if you're always a good person... stressing always the better person, you will win in the end and it will be ok. We've been married 10 years now. EDIT: Confronting her will only make her defensive. It's a slow war, nothing you can just wipe away with a conversation obviously.

Answer 4

some of the most idiotic, judgmental and cruel people i have ever known are all "christians".

i am going to give this to you straight up. you all live in a small town and she is embarrassed her son is engaged to you. this is about her status in your town. she feels you are not good enough and are of lower quality. and this reflects badly on her, not her son. it is not your son's relationship, it is your relationship to her she is embarrassed of.

it is not that she thinks you are not good enuf to be related to her son, oh, no, i guarantee you she is upset you are going to be related to HER. she is hoping if she insults you enough and ignores you enough you will just go away.

there are two things you can do. first, live each second of your life with complete fairness and dignity, and be above reproach. i will tell you why, you are perfectly entitled to your racy past, ( when you are older you will think fondly of your old wild oats) but it has no place in your life now and your actions should reflect this. second, no matter what she says, treat her with the utmost of kindness and concern. forever. your guy will be proud of you and you will build a reputation as someone of integrity and unshakable class and poise. and that will eventually make her proud to be related to you. you wrote a question that related her actions but did not attack her in a mean way. that reflects well of you. so i know you can do this if you want.

i didnt say it was fair, but it is the only thing to do.

Answer 5

This is unfortunate because family support is important.

Your future mother in law probably has some wonderful qualities, but it seems as though her Christian beliefs have allowed her to become narrow-minded and judgmental. You can't fix this, and her pride will never allow you to be the one who corrects her --- so don't waste your energy on that.

If you and your fiance' do get married, do it with the understanding that his mother may never change. Get some premarital counseling so that you guys can have the best possible start to your new lives together. Work at having a good marriage, be good parents when you have children, and limit the time you spend with your mother in law. She may eventually warm up to you, accept you, and even adore you --- but don't count on it.

My mother used to refer to my wife as "The Angel of Light " which was used in the Bible to describe how Satan appears to us in order to deceive us. Today she loves her like her own daughter.

Answer 6

1. It's not that she doesn't believe you and her son love each other, but she hates to see that;
2. If you did have some blemishes in the past, her hostility against you is not reasonable, but excessive;
3. So you don't return her with same hostility, remember: hatred can only be extinguished by love;
4. Try speak like you are on her shoes, as if you were thinking and doing things for her. Tell her what good you can bring to her son, and you would not bring anything bad.
5. Don't argue with her, if she keeps yelling to you, just hold silence.

Good luck!

Answer 7

This is such a crappy situation. It sucks. However, you really need to consider if you are going to be able to deal with her for the REST of your LIFE. Unless you and your fiance are going to move far away, you are going to have to deal with her causing problems and it will take a toll on your relationship. You need to sit down and talk to her as much as you can before the wedding and try to straighten things out. If it doesnt get better, you should probably re consider what you are about to do. You are not only marrying your fiance, but you are marrying his family.! Good luck

Answer 8

If she is like this already then it is just going to get worse as time goes by. Confront her again and tell her that you love her son and would like to start all over again with a relationship with her. Tell her the past is the past and you want to live your life in the future from now on. You do not have to explain to no one on your wild past it is strictly none of her business. If she says she is willing then that is great if not then you are going to go down a rocky road with your soon to be husband.

Answer 9

First of all, if she is a true christian then she should not be acting like this. She has every right to be concerned, but she should not be calling you a whore. You need to tell her to act like a true christian. To believe you, and to forgive you for the things you have done. You and your fiancee should probably sit down with her and talk to her about these things. Express your concern to her. Don't let her control the situation. Tell her that you guys are going to get married, and she needs to get used to the idea. Ask her out to lunch and tell her you want to get to know her better. Let her get to know the person that her son fell in love with. Tell her that you guys might have kids someday and you want to welcome her into your home whenever and you want her to feel welcome, but that it's not going to happen if she doesn't get to know you and give you a chance.

Answer 10

The quickest way to get into your mother in laws good books is to show her all the naked pictures of you and many other man having sex when you used to be wild. After that show how you have sex only once a day with her son. Using the contrast she will realize you are anow a reformed person even if your pussycat has a lot of miles on it and she will grow to love you for who you are nd not hate you becayse ure pussycat was mercilessly pommelled many many times by many many men in the past because the past is past.