I feel trapped and I'm miserable?

Question

I love my husband we have kids and have been married for 14 years but at the same time I adore my ex who is my best friend. We were engaged to marry but my family didn't approve, so we broke up and moved on with our lives staying just friends. We didn't see eachother for a long time until two years ago. he is recently divorced. We speak on the phone, like I said he is my best friend. I have known him all my life.
I have nothing in common with my husband, we dont even speak. the realtionship was a very sexual on in the beginning now it's, once a month, like my period.I much rather have the craps, I feel blah. I dont want to leave my husband but at the same time I want to be with my ex but wonder if it's just that I dont feel sexy or wanted in my marriage and my friend makes me feel alive again. We are so much alike, he is like my male counterpart, it's scary and I love it. I feel alive could i just be feeling trapped, will it pass. some advice please,
thank you

My friend has also told me he'd wait. He'd wait if I wanted to wait until the kids were older, or out of the the house. He'd just wait he says.
He divorced because his wife cheated and got pregnant but someone else and he helped her through that. He still talks to her he tries to keep it friendly.
He left me. He says it was pride, he got scared.
I moved on I was angry I moved away and married.
He already had a son with someone else, I loved that child but i couldn't give him a child. Dont know if that was a factor. I had to take hormones that's how I have the children I have now.
I had never stopped loving him.I love my husband he is a great man a good father>
ihave asked if he was hapy he says he would be if i was different with him.
He says my heart isn't with him. I feel I owe him somehow.
Could it be guilt?

oh neither of us want to remarry nor do we even want to live together.

i also want to thank everyone for being honest and not being rude.
I stay married because well that's what we re suppose to do right? I dont know anyother way. My whole family they stay together until the children go to college then they split. it sounds sick but that's all i know

Answer 1

first, you need marriage counseling for you and your husband.
Second,if you married for the sex, you made a mistake. You should have married for love, and because you wanted to spend the rest of your life together. So many rush into marriage anymore without knowing what it really means.
You profess to love your husband, but then ask for advice on getting together with your ex?
My advice? ex should remain ex, work on the marriage, it takes two to let things fade, and two to make things work. Marriage is not easy. Nothing worth having ever is. You made a choice and got married. Now you owe each other every chance to succeed, especially with kids involved. Ex got divorced and is looking to hook up, think of it as a test of your marriage. At 14 years, your going thru a " mid marriage crisis" and you need to really talk with you husband, spice up the love life, trust me, it can be VERY rewarding for both of you. But TALK to him!!! tell HIM how you feel, not some chat board.
A few more years and the kids will be out of the house, you can have your partner back and it can be just the two of you again, if you want it to be that way. meantime, get a sitter and get the two of you a few adventures. A weekend of romance, travel, a night at the movies, cook his favorite meal, remind him how much you like it when he brings you roses, just do things together!! Re kindle the flame.
Communication between husband and wife is the key to a successful marriage. That, and not rushing into a marriage to begin with.
I met my wife thru my work, we became co workers, friends, dated, became lovers, moved in together, and married. this occurred over about a 2 year period.
24 years later, I'm still married to my best friend, two of our kids are grown and on their own, and our last is 17 and preparing to go off to college at the end of next year.
My wife and I talk, hold no secrets, turned down the opportunity to have cheated on each other many times, keep our physical relationship spicey, and never pass up the opportunity to hug or cuddle.
I wish you the best in your marriage. Good luck

Answer 2

Your in a massive rut. You may be right in thinking that it will be better with your ex but you could be wrong also.
The grass is always greener. You must have loved your husband enough to marry him at one point so don;t make it seem as though it was all based on sex. I never heard of someone getting married for sex. You also made a commitment to your husband and I'm pretty sure that didn't include your having an intimate relationship with your ex during your marriage.
Try to fix your marriage if your still not happy, then think about divorce. Just know that it's hard to fix something when you think the answer is just a phone call away.
Tell your ex you need time to think about your current situation and that you'll need some space (while you work on saving your marriage) if you give it a real effort and things don't improve and your ex is still interested, then pursue it.

Answer 3

I realize that you are not happy in your marriage. However, you need to honour your commitment to try and make it work. Your husband may be feeling the same way. You will not know unless you talk. If you both are feeling "blah" about the marriage then maybe you can figure out how to make things better.

There is a real temptation to want to move on, particularly when the grass seems greener elsewhere. However, you do not know someone really until you live with them. Your friend may not be the same if you were to be a couple again (you both could be feeling the "rush" from memories). Fourteen years is an accomplishment, and it shows you obviously have done something right.

The truth is that if your husband is willing to put the effort in, and make things better, you owe it to each other to try. If he does not want it, has stopped trying and is not willing to do the work to put it back on track, then you need to decide what you need to do. You cannot do it alone.

Answer 4

14 years is a long time to be together, BUT it's also a long time to be apart. I would think that you and your ex are not the same people you were 14 years ago. What would he want out of this relationship? What does he think about your kids? Does he have kids? Why did he get a divorce? And if your family didn't like him 14 years ago, what would they think of him coming back to you now? Personally, I wouldn't have let my family come between me and someone I loved.....so why did you?

My first inclination is to tell you to try to find what you had with your husband in the beginning. You said you loved him! But it sounds like you never got over your ex. As far as feeing trapped, well....in America you can always get a divorce, so you're not trapped...BUT, it sounds like you comfortably want to move from one man to another. You better think long and hard about this decision. It will effect the rest of your life and your kid's lives. Leaving a man you love for an ex???

Answer 5

Relationships and esp. marriages go through many ups & downs along the road. Raising a family can be taxing at times and you need to realize that commitment and communication will go a long way.

Promise that you will both jump in and work on your marriage 100%. Try that for a few months and you could also try some counseling if you desire.

After all of that, if things are not moving along (and it takes two to make the effort), then you can decide if you want out or not.

The other guy is immaterial right now. If he *just* got divorced, he is ready to explore - and you might not be the only one he's interested in. Are you willing to end your marriage to experiment with a guy that may move on anyway?

Answer 6

There is no story on Yahoo quite so disgusting as this type.

Here we go with the usual , I love my husband but we don't have anything in common and he just does not make me wet like the memory of my old boyrfriend who I have not banged in 15 years and he is now divorced and calls me , should I give up on my marriage and go see if all the BS he is feeding me is true?

STOP THE BULL CRAP.

Answer this question honestly. What have you done to keep in common touch with your husnband? I'll bet not a lot. In fact I'd bet that yolu were very easily swayed to diversion because you were not commited to your marriage for a while.

When was the last time you acted even remotely loving toward your husband. Why is it his total responsibility to maintain all the sexuality in your marriage.
Try this senario. You get married , have children, forget that your husband exists because you are now the MOM. He tries to maintain a relationship for a while but gets tired of having to come to you all the time only to get shot down. He gives up and comes around once a month to get your duty sex which you treat with total distain and indifference. Am I close here?
Now you start talking to an old flame, one that I might add you were not able to stay with many years ago,but now are trapped in your marriage.
This story disgusts me.
If you are in misery it is a misery of your own making. That you are thinking of cheating as a result of this misery is even more disgusting.
Why don't YOU make some positive effort toward fixing your own house before you start including an EX.

You want to feel alive and sexy so you are thinking of becoming a cheat as well as a liar. Yes liar, because you apparently have been lying to your husband for a while.
Fix your marriage or get out but do not do it like this.
Your family stopped you from marrying this guy? Perhaps you should ask your family if it is OKAY to destroy your marraige to run off with this guy now.

Cut this out. Fix your marriage and tell this guy to go find another woman.

Answer 7

When there are children involved there's a whole new dimension to think about. But believe me, if you're unhappy, and can't make it work with your husband even after you've tried, the kids are better off with divorced parents.

It's probably a cliche by now but children can sense these things, whether consciously or not. You don't want to be a bad model for the kids. Their future relationships will be based on the one you and your husband have.

Life IS too short to live a life out of duty.

Try talking to your husband and see if you can somehow find the fire and passion. If not, maybe it is time to move on.

Handle the separation with extra sensitivity when it comes to your children. They have to know that Mum and Dad both love them even if they are not living in the same house. Your primary concern will be to work out how to be in their lives to make the transition as smooth as possible. It'll be hard work, but might be well worth it.

Answer 8

Well I think that you're probably just a bit bored in your marriage. That's normal unfortunately, we all have a tendency to let other things take priority over our relationships. The reason that you're so into your ex right now is only because of that boredom that you're feeling at home. If hubby was taking care of things I doubt you'd even look at your ex the same way. This can be fixed by communicating with your husband. He needs to know how you feel and what you need in order to be happy. Marriage is all about compromise, and the 2 people involved making compromises for the happiness of the other.

Answer 9

The thing about love is that you only realize just how good it feels until it's not there anymore. Relationships lead to comfortable obligation. Complacency and contentment...and then along comes something that makes you tingle like your first kiss. I've been there, and I can say it is a very conflicting feeling.
In this particular instance though, I'm going to suggest that you think of your children. Are they happy? Divorces are turbulent for any child, often they end up feeling betrayed and abandoned. Work out every detail before you leap into something that may not be as pleasant 2 or three years later as it may seem in the beginning.
Not sure how old the kids are, but if your friend cares as much for you as you seem to for him, he'll wait.
I've been waiting for a friend of mine for many years now.

Answer 10

You never know what is in store for you, but one thing for certain, now you have a son, you have an obligation to him. He needs to grow up with mommy. If your taking care of yourself, you might find a rich guy from that area that loves kids and might make it happen still, but i would think that ship has sailed long ago. Don't be depressed about it. If you moved there you would probably hate it anyways. It's a busy place with a cold ocean and garbage on the beaches. Lots of crazy drivers and murders and horror happening all over. I had a chance to move there and declined after spending a week there. Not for me.