Fed up of insecure partner putting me down.....?

Question

I've been with my partner for a little over 5 years and have 2 children with him.
Recently his attitude has been really getting me down. Well that's coz it stinks! He's a very negative and controling person. He never does anything with me or the kids, complains about stuff i do or don't do. I'm fed up with being called a c#*t or stupid ***** etc when he doesn't get his own way. He sulks and stomps about and pulls faces. I'm quite a perky person ( not annoyingly perky mind), i'd say pleasantly up-beat! he's really childish and spitful. For example after all morning of either ignoring me or speaking to me like shite, 2 minutes before he left for work he asked to borrow my mp3 player. I said no, you don't respect my stuff and you can't treat someone like crap and then go 'oo can you do me a favour?' That's not how it works, so he left in a huff, i got called a fat lazy ***** and he took the t.v remote with to wind me up! He feels the need to criticise everyone, i think he's insecure....

No this isn't a recent problem. We go back and forth like this. I'm not asking for Mr Romantic just for him to grow up a bit. We're not married. Please don't think i am a complete push over i must admit i do have a smart mouth but i don't go as far as name calling. It's not even when we argue, he does it over the slightest things. Saturday morning he got up with our children and i got to sleep in but coz he didn't get enough sleep the night before he got up and kicked our bed and called me a lazy c#*t! I didn't say anything to him. He says he doesn't mean those things he just says it when he's angery yet the next time he's angery i remind him of that and he just says he was bullshitting and he does mean it! Can't win with him. I feel i get damned if i do and damned if i don't!

Also i'm not the only person he treats like this either. he speaks to his sister and brother like crap too.
He hardly ever works and doesn't really help around the house. He has no lust for life, he even told my sister that he wanted our sons to be like the Krays when they grow up!! what is that about?

Thank u! i have spoken to him now. He said he didn't realise he did it so often and doesn't mean it it's just something you say. I said i'm sure you don't but when said everyday you start to think that's actually what you think of me. He said he understood. he says he's frustrated with life at the mo and doesn't know what to do in life ( work wise) but did apologise for taking it out on me and the kids.i said if he says he's gonna do something to go through with it, so today he is taking our eldest out after school to fly our sons kite! Feel so much better now, i think i should of said something from the get go and not bottled it up coz then i started dwelling on everything he'd ever said and done, silly me!

Answer 1

Why are you still with him?

Answer 2

Have you tried talking to him about it? Perhaps he is jealous of the raltionship you have with the kids.
If it were me, he would be out of that door straight away and the locks would have been changed. But if you still want to be with him - you just hate his attitude - Then why dont you try do something at weekends? Try going to the park with the kids and him or going to a nice restraunt. Also try have a bit of "alone time" with him. Get a movie out when the kids are in bed and watch it together.

Or you just just tell him straight. Tell him how much this is hurting you and if he says any rude remarks back just say "Carry on like this and you will loose me for good" - as a warning and if he continues Hun then id just say break away for a while, Go away to a caravan or stay at a friends/ relatives and take the kids with you. Then he might realise how much he needs you in his life and stop treating you liek this. But seriously, dont settle for this. You can do better.

Good Luck x

Answer 3

Oh, my husband is just the same. I sometimes get annoyed about the put downs but you have to remember that if you weren't so great, he wouldn't need to try and put you down in the first place! He is the sorry twit and I always feel quite sorry for mine too. They really don't mean half the things they say and its mind boggling how cruel they can get! I just had a row with mine tonight as he is helping his neighbour again and does sod all for me....grrr. Anyway, I got called a moron etc. I just leave him to stew. I think if anything, its not good for your children to hear these things. Fortunately, my son thinks his step dad is daft as a brush and has no visions of emulating him. He does wonder why I put up with it but I keep reminding him that the world is big enough for all of us...hmm...I guess in your shoes, its ultimatum time. You have clearly had enough. Its time to get him to sort himself out - you are his partner not his social worker. Give him some of it back too. I like to call mine a lazy no-gooder now and again just to make sure he knows who really is in charge round here! Good luck.

Answer 4

Speaking from experience, I've seen someone who was a really happy upbeat person be in a relationship with someone you described and eventually seen her lose all her confidence, really sad to see happen.

People told her she should leave but she decided to stay with him. You can she's a very unhappy person and has more or less given up on life.

People sometimes stick with a situation because they think it's the right thing and changing it can be scary. Almost all these people regret not doing something later down the line.
Don't be one of those people.

Good luck

Answer 5

what a horrible man! you sound lovely and deserve so much better then this! also your kids will sens the unhappy atmosphere and may even think its ok to treat ppl like this. some ppl think domestic abuse has to do with being hit..but u are being mentally bullied which is just as bad. i would give him a shock to the system if i was you and move out for abit with ur kids..go stay with a friend, parent or sibling. the tell him to take some anger managment classes and that you will give him another chance only after hes proved he has changed. ppl like him wont change unless they ahev to and are given a reason to and once u are gone he will see what hes missing and realise what a fool he has been. good luck x

Answer 6

Is it something that started recently? It's weird he would do a 180 degree turnaround after 5 years and 2 kids together. If it's out of character for him, perhaps there's a reason for him acting this way - although I can't think of any excuse to be calling your partner names and being disrespectful. If you've tried talking to him and he won't listen, maybe you can write him an e-mail explaining how you feel - and ask him to write you back. Listen to what he has to say, and try to understand where he's coming from.

Answer 7

You either need to get the both of you into counseling, or start collecting financial statements and get ready to file divorce... actually BOTH are in order.

Whe you have all the stuff you need gathered, including a copy of the latest DIY divorce guide for you state from the local bookstore, then you tell hubby you want a divorce from his abusive little self... he will either say "yeah!" or ask for marriage counseling. Either way is good... you will get him off dead center.

He thinks that because you are a house-mom, that you are "stuck" and will tolerate abuse. You need to stand up to this childish bully.

In most abusive relationships, the guy usually separates the woman from all her support network... family, job, friends, etc. ... and then begins with put-downs & insults and then works his way into physical abuse. If he is contemplating anything of this nature, you need to stop it now.

In the event of a divorce, you are entitled to 1/2 of all assets accrued during the last 5 years, as well as child support, and most probably spousal support until you can get a job (this often includes job training).

Answer 8

You have to accept him "as is" or not at all. It doesn't seem like he's going to change, or want to change, anytime soon. So, either you get on with it, and do your best to set your boundaries calmly or you leave.

The most worrying thing is that you've had two children with a man who is so negative and controlling. They are going to be learning a lot of weird behaviours, having him as a daily role model. You need to think about that.

Answer 9

Your thinking and gut feelings are correct. Whats worse is you staying in that kind of relationship, making you miserable and eventually insecure, like him and contributing to his illness.
Why should/would you lay with a man that shows no respect for your body, just like you indicated about your material (MP3 player)? I feel your body, mind and welfare are much more important that ANY material thing.
It may be hard but get out, get on with a new life. You can be less unhappy alone with out his help.

Answer 10

Sounds to me like you need to be single again and if you do not want to find a way to consolidate your marriage then cut your losses and free him up to live life to its fullest. No man wants a ball and chain and that is what you have become. The heavier that you become the worse things will be. If you do not want to be a partner the get out of the marriage. If you do then find a way to fix it and quit b****ing. No one likes a nag and some one that is arbitrary all the time. Grow up or get out.

Answer 11

You don't have 2 children you really have 3 children.....and that's one too many.

You should take some time to organize in your mind what you think are the problems with your relationship.

Then calmly and maturely tell him what you think needs to change so that you have a mature and loving relationship for yourselves....and so you can be good role models for your children.

If he doesn't see the problem....he may not be a good partner for you.