he never wants to get married!?

Question

My guy has commitment issues with me to the point that I don't believe what he says to me anymore. This is kinda long so bear with me!

We've known each other 7 years. He left home for job corps, 5 years ago. After that he went straight to the Army 3 years ago.
We haven't had much time face to face. There were always other people stopping us from being together. He was married 2 years, I was engaged for 3. We both got out of our relationships recently. We are now together but he says he will never be able to trust me because of what his ex-wife did to him. He says we might never get married because he might not be able to trust me. Despite this, he told me he wishes he never married his wife, and that he and I were meant to be together all along, and he loves me more than he ever could have loved her.

What can I do to convince him, that if he loves me as much as he says, he should be able to trust me? I cannot wait forever for him to get over her!

He married his wife whom he only knew for 6 weeks, she cheated on him, then called him while he was overseas and told him she was divorcing him.

I've known him 7 years as a best friend, and we've been together 4 months. He's coming to stay with me for 2 weeks when he goes on leave in December.

Answer 1

That's annoying... I can't stand it when someone has baggage like that. Personally, I think being straight up is the best way. It's unfair for him to compare you to his ex anyway, you're two totally different people. He sounds damaged and I hate to tell you, but there's nothing you can say or do to make him feel any different about you. He's being honest with you, so you have to be honest with yourself too. If you love him, be prepared to not be a married woman. If you want to be someone's wife, there are plenty of men out there who would love to take care of a lil lady. I know it's easier said than done...but you know, he could just as easily tell you how much he loves you for fear of just being alone. Ultimatums suck, but you know, being in a relationship where one wants something more than the other is just one big conflict instead of a harmonious union, esp. something as big as marriage. (and all the other stuff that goes with it, children, living together, bills, blah blah blah)

Answer 2

This is an age old problem and you need to look at the facts to make a decision on what to do. The real problem is that it is not his decision, but yours as to what you can do.

Here is what you are up against. When men get married, they believe the woman will never change and she always does. When women get married, they feel they will be able to change and mold their man into what they believe he can be, and he never changes. Everyone considering getting married know these immutable laws and this always weighs heavy in their minds.

It is a matter of how much you love the other person and are able to accept these two things that will determine if the both of you are willing to go through this. Additionally, children change the way you view the world. It puts huge stress on relationships because only the relationships built on true love, not hormones, that survive this ordeal.

A great test of a relationship is to do remodeling. If you both can survive a major remodel project, you will most likely be together for the rest of your life.

Bottom line is that you need to have a discussion with him and tell him what YOU want after you have considered the above items. Whatever you decide is 1/2 the decision for both of you and 100% of the decision for YOU. If he doesn't want the same thing, then life is too short to waste time. Find someone who wants what you want. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

good luck to you

Answer 3

I wonder waht is really being communicated here.

Is it him not trusting you are not trusting marriage?
People do change when their married - because things change.
Most marriages end in divorce. Check the stats and the periods of time they tend to last. Is that what bothers him?
What did he loose? One person here suggested that it was his mistake the last one failed (she doesnt know him mind) what and how did it fall apart?

Is it that hes afraid of what marriage results in?
Did he have a house and now not?
Many marriages seem to end up with women doing some great house keeping - as in he has it before marriage, she has it after. Not being funny here, but considering us blokes know the greater chance is that will happen, your asking him to put him self in that position, out of love? love has nothing to do with it. What are you asking position are you asking him ot put himself in?

You know what you think of it, what does he feel he stands to loose if it goes wrong or more to the point should you decide hes not doing things the way you want and are now bored so divorce and taking near everything is better?

I know thats negative. But it is the view of many men. And while you may sit there shaking your head saying no thats not true - that is all it takes. Think about that.

Answer 4

You need to get some counseling together but if he can not learn to trust you, there is no chance for a relationship. He may even still be in love with her in spite of what she may have done, and he may be using that as an excuse. There is nothing really that you can do to convince him but he has to do that himself and if he isn't willing to, you have to find someone else that you can trust and who will trust you in return. The fact that you say you don't believe what he says to you anymore make me wonder if he is using the ex wife as an excuse and is just stringing you along. Try the counseling but if that doesn't work or he doesn't agree to go, move on and find someone better and you will be much happier.

Answer 5

I was in a horrific but short marriage that resulted in two kids. He left me when I was 7 months pregnant with my second son for another woman. We divorced, he married her. They stayed married 19 years and then she divorced him for cheating on her their whole marriage.
Point in case. I didn't trust not only men, but pretty much everyone after my divorce. It's funny how you really find out who your real friends and family are when you are in a bad situation. A lot of people disapear when trouble stirs and they think they may have to help.
You cannot help him get over his problem. He has to do it himself. It doesn't seem like he is making any effort to do that. I finally met my current husband of 20 years, we were friends in a group, then dated and married. It took me time and it was hard but I trust him with everything I have and am now. It made the marriage rough at first because I second checked everything. It wasn't healthy at all for either or us but he loved me enough to stick it out until I grew to trust him. And I do. But, most people don't have the patience and kindness that my spouse does.
A relationship is give and take. He is not giving anything to you at all right now and all you are holding onto is air. He has to make a choice and either give you a chance and really try or you have to go. I know it sounds mean and harsh but I would never want to put anyone else what I put my Hubby through. I for years kept him at a distance and wasn't a true wife. I wanted to be in charge of everything and and didn't trust him with even choosing his own clothes. Like I said, it wasn't healthy at all. Unless you are willing to step back, wait for something that may never come and pay it down the line in even more pain you need to tell him you are at a crossroads now. If I hadn't been married we wouldn't be together because of my lack of trust back then. But I do truly believe in the sanctity of marriage. My first marriage was physically and mentally abusive, it was beyond comprehension. Now I have someone who truly cares about me and I do truly care and love him in return.
Someone else's mistrust is something you cannot change. All you can do is let him know where you stand and that you cannot be there forever if he does not promise you marriage if that is what you are looking for. Men are not the only ones who get burned by their partners. He has to start trusting someone someday. You've already given up a lot. Not only in realtionships but also time. You need to think of yourself too. Love yourself more. Care more about you. It may sound selfish but if you don't do it you'll find out no one else ever will.
You need to tell him exactly what you want and what you terms are now and stop holding on.
Life is so precious and I hate to see you wasting yours waiting for something that may not be a reality.
Don't waste another day. Take charge yourself and deal with the circumstances no matter how they turn out. There are other fish in the sea and you will be OK even if he decides he can't do what you ask.
Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Remind yourself you deserve more and that you are going after it.
Each day when we wake up God gives us a chance to start makings things better. Just take the reigns and settle this now.
You deserve to know the truth. You are a patient and good hearted person.
Good Luck and God Bless!!!

Answer 6

Everyone wants to say for you to give him time and that he has a trust issue. Well, I feel that maybe he has jumped into a relationship with you out of rebound. Sounds like he is still suffering from the love he has for his ex-wife. This is not just something that heals over night. I do believe though that if he loves you more than he ever thought he loved her than he needs to put the past behind him and start off with a fresh start with you (his Soul mate) If he continues to not be willing to commit to you and you are ready to commit then you will need to give him the ultimatum of marriage or splitting up to fulfill your dreams of commitment. best of luck with this confusing man. Men are so un-predictable sometimes. I know women can be too. It seems like you know what you want, but this is not enough to confirm to him that this is going to work because his ex has ruined his trust. I would consider going to a pre-marriage counselor yourself and listen to what they have to offer. best regards.

Answer 7

You need to give him some time. You said you both recently got out of your relationships so he needs time to move on. You can't force him to trust you so get him to trust you by your actions and devotion to him. He was obviously very hurt by his ex-wife and only time to help him move on from that and learn to trust people. Don't take that personally, it's just once you get hurt by someone you trust, then you take a little longer to trust the other people you get close to. Give him time and I'm sure he will come around. If it gets to the point where you are ready to give up, just talk with him and let him know that you and his ex-wife are two very different people and you have never plan on hurting him or anything.

Answer 8

It sounds a little wierd to me. Sounds like he is saying stuff to keep you around but only because he wants some emotional support or doesnt want to be left alone because then he would have to face his hurts. But my grandpa's girlfriend told me one time that you have to leave the last person out of the relationship. If he is still getting over her he needs to deal with that then come back and be with you otherwise it isnt just your relationship its yours and that other girls. Plus he might be still in love with her too. So my advice is either stick with him and just be there for him or tell him that you need space from him until he is ready to commit. Believe me when the guy wants you he will do everything to be with you, especially marry you. But since he has been hurt before he might put you through a lot to see how commitmented you are. The question to ask yourself are you willing to stick with him through it all?

Answer 9

It's not anything YOU can do - he is the one who needs to take responsibility for his actions and get a grip on himself. He *says* he can't trust YOU, when in reality he cannot trust himself, and this is what stopping him from pursuing another relationship: he's afraid he'll make the wrong choice again, and he hasn't figured out yet what he needs to do to choose well. I think, it has very little to do with you - it has everything to do with him, and he needs to realize it. By analyzing what went wrong in the last relationship, by taking his share of responsibility for the failure, and by becoming more self-aware, he can hope to gain more confidence in his ability to make good choices. But if his mindset is that "his ex did this to him", it will be very hard for him to take control of his future; he will always be waiting for things to "happen" to him, for other people to screw him over. Bottom line, he needs to learn to trust himself.

Answer 10

Actions speak louder than words. His not being able to trust you is his problem not yours, he could get counseling for this etc., if he wanted to, you can wait, but if it does not work out, you will feel hurt, and years of your life could go by, both of you can go to counseling together, a good professional can bring out a lot of problems that neither of you realize or may want to deal with, just remember, you can change yourself, you cannot change others. Take care of your self and your own life first and the rest will fall into place as it should. Frankly, I would be suspicious of him and maybe scared of him myself. What he has said and done so far would not give me good feelings about a sound foundation or promising future with him. Good luck.