What do you think this is all about?

Question

We have been married 20 years and my husband is 42. After I caught him cheating 2 years ago he left but is now back home. He says he needs to feel that he is free to do whatever he wants and that it is not about sex. He says I am his wife and always will be but we got married when he was very young and that now he is halfways through his life he feels it has so far been one dimensional. When I suggest he goes back to his apartment which he still keeps so that he can feel free, but I would like to do the same as I too feel that life had passed me by, he says we should wait for our daughter to go to university as we don't want to upset her etc. I would never do anything to upset my daughter and I am bluffing when i suggest that we give each other freedom, inside I am a broken person. I can't decide whether he is saying these things because he is embarassed that I found him out, I am not sure if he still sees her or wants to see other people hence why he says he feels restricted

Answer 1

Why can't you work out a rota to share the apartment? He can go there sometimes and you can go there sometimes? I realise this isn't what you actually want but I would still suggest it: if he tries to find some reason why it wouldn't work, you will know he's lying to you.
Separation and divorce are always horrible. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did, and I have come through on the other side happier than I've been for years. Don't go throwing good years after bad. Get rid of him, weep over him, get over him, and don't let life pass you by any more. He doesn't care about you, and by the way he uses her as an excuse, yet doesn't actually alter his behaviour, he really doesn't care much about his child either.

Answer 2

It's true you feel you live a small life when you marry young and remain with the same person all that time. I suppose if you both feel the same then deciding to split - even temporarily - could be a starting point. It doesn't seem good for either of you to have a part-time relationship where he plays the field and you wait for him (if that's the case). Could you give each other a year after your daughter goes to Uni and see how things pan out them get together to discuss things after then? Something good should come out of this for both of you I feel. You don't want to be in the same position in ten years time.

Answer 3

20 years is a long time. But a lie is still a lie. This "feedom" he's craving so badly has left you feeling like the comfy pair of slippers he comes home to. Your more than that and you know it, that's why you feel broken. You loved this man and he said he loved you but those that play away should stay away. He doesn't want to tell your daughter yet becuase he will come out looking like that bad man. To be fair liying to you and her, gives him that title. What would upset your daughter more? knowing you were liying when you said you were happy? or knowing the truth? I was 14 when my mum told me they were splitting up. Yes it changed everything but atleast I could deal with it. Yes you are his wife, for now. Tell him your not second best, that your not his confy pair of slippers. You've got the right to stand up and say your not happy and that you want him to leave. That your telling your daughter everything and your going to let him explain to her why its gone the way it has. When ever I feel abit fed up with my other half, my mum says that gold band is on your finger, not through your nose :) Always reminds me that I can stand up to him when I need to. Do it and cut your self free. Life is too short to spend it unhappy and regretting ever letting him back into your life. Do what you have to! You were not in the wrong and your daughter will understand in due time why you did what you did. All the best x

Answer 4

Hi there. I would say go for a trial separation and tell him that it's all or nothing. When you got married it was for life. You can still be married and be free to be your own person. He is basically asking you to condone him sleeping with other women and have you at the same time. He wants his cake and eat it. Well honey,if he still loves you then he will want to be with you and you only. I know it will be hard for your daughter but she will understand if you both talk to her.I wish you all the best of luck,and a very happy life!! Love Haze x x

Answer 5

He sounds like he wants the best of both worlds. I don't think waiting until your daughter goes to uni is a good idea. Is it not better for you both to start again now, whilst you can, rather than stay together and be miserable as you watch him lead another life? You daughter will benefit from you both starting a new life in which you are happy. Don't let this idiot walk all over you like this. This man sounds full of excuses and you are better off without him. Tell him to move into his apartment for good and start the separation process. You do not sound happy and I think you would be better off without him. Find someone who loves you not someone who treats you like a bed buddy! The fact is he loves the fact that he can come home to you and get his washing, ironing and food cooked for him whilst thinking about the next little sexual adventure he will be going on. What a tit he is, you deserve better.

Answer 6

Although I am male and therefore you might think I am prejudiced, and divorced but not by my fault I can say only this too you, I loved my wife and had been totaly faithfull to her at all times including temptation s but I made a vow aand we shared a truth and no matter how much I loved her, once she had broken that pact I knew I could never take her back as it would never be the same, the trust had gone and without trust there can be no relationship. It is I am afraid to say your decision and yours alone but I would say no, he chose the path of his life 2 years ago and you cannot turn back the clock. move on and re claim your life for you. Good Luck hope you make the right choice

Answer 7

I would say… the two of you need to see a marriage councilor. He may want something new, but he may also want to do new things. So, you can see if the new things are something the two of you can do together or if he just wants out.

Most guys go through this, I know I did… so I went and got my old jeep. Gives me the feeling I got when I was younger, but now my wife and I drive around in it… to the beach, the lake or where ever. Just kind of reminds me I’m to old to be a kid, but not ready for the grave ether.

Answer 8

leave him... hes using the excuse that he wants to be free to go see other people. You are married and have a daughter so he shouldn't be living elsewhere. Your daughter may be upset at first but you can't go on living a lie. If you do split, make sure he keeps in contact with his daughter but don't take him back because it is obvious that hes cheating.

And your daughter probably already suspects things aren't right with you and her dad because he's not home every night

Answer 9

Wake up and smell the coffee - your husband of 20 years has his own apartment so he can have his space? What's wrong with playing golf? Honey, this guy sounds like a grade A jerk. I'm sure he wouldn't be so happy if you had your own apartment and did what you want when you wanted to. He took his vows and promised to be faithful to you for the rest of his life. You need to get yourself a good attorney and sue him for adultery and take him to the cleaners. Don't waste a second of your life longer on this guy and find someone that treats you well and gives you the respect that you deserve.

Answer 10

easy answer... once a cheater always a cheater. How can he keep an apt and live with you... he's hiding something from you. Feeling restricted means he wants the cake and to eat it too... how long are you willing to put up with that? It may be hard at first for your daughter to understand, but she will eventually and you should sacrifice your happiness and self respect in the process.