My 13yr old stepson runs the household?

Question

My wife refuses to make my stepson mind and she will not allow anyone else to make him mind. She says she saw alot of abuse when she was young and when I raise my voice to him thats all that she can think about. We have seperated because I now have my 16yr son with me and I will not allow him to do the things my 13yr stepson gets by with. My wife and I still love each other very much and see each other as often as posible. I told her I have to be a father to my son and if we have to be seperated because of this then so be it.
Question is we don't like being seperated but she still refuses to make this kid mind. Any sugestions?

Answer 1

Perhaps she would tolerate a normal-voice "consequences" system? Such as, "if you leave your plate on the sofa, i'm taking the playstation for evening," and if he starts whining, just shrug and say "that's the deal." Then, hold to your promise, but be as polite about it as you can, even if he starts crying, just say, "you can have it back tomorrow."

This is the method I was taught when babysitting aggressive children with autism as part of an organization. Fatherhood, I'm sure, is a lot tougher. Regardless, it's good that you're putting your son first, ahead of your love life. Good luck.

Answer 2

That's rough. I definitely think you are on the right track considering what effect the 13 yr old's behavior might have on the 16 yr old. Anyone who has had siblings can agree that it really sucks when one child is favored. How would your wife feel about letting your 16 yr old do what she allows the 13 yr old to do? I don't recommend spoiling them both, but it is important that they are treated equally, which is not to say exactly the same. For example, my mom took away tv and video games for my brother or gave him chores, with me it was grounding and no phone. Just try to remind your wife that the two of you are the parents, and you cannot let a 13 yr old be the boss. It's not doing him any favors. When you give a punishment or consequence, make sure you do not raise your voice, be calm, then what can she really say?

Answer 3

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do at this point. Your wife has set her mind on raising her son this way and that is something you have no control over. I think you have done the right thing about moving out and raising your son. Your wifes does not value you and for that matter does not care about your opinion.

Sometimes people say they love you but their actoins show otherwise.

As much as it hurts you have stay as you are, it doesn't seem to me that you have much of a connection with your wife. Maybe on your part yes but I just don't see it on her part.

Good luck

Answer 4

WHERE was the communication between the two of you BEFORE you got married? The fact that you don't "like" being separated is too bad, she isn't going to change and neither is your step son, so either you return to the marriage as is or you remain apart for however long you want to be separated before you get a divorce. Your wife doesn't have to "mind you" concerning HER son. You are going to have to come to the conclusion that you do NOT control everyone and everything here and make a decision based upon that fact.

Answer 5

I am a product of a divorced family where both of my parents remarried and had my two younger siblings.

Please keep in mind that if you are not the father of this child you really have no say so, and if she doesn't want you yelling at him, then you cant. There was nothing worse growing up with step parents constantly yelling and telling you what to do all the time, just something about it wasn't right. Especially when they would show favoritism, and made it very obvious that they didn't like you.

Anyway, as far as the mother goes in this situation, i would tell her that she is not helping him at all by being his friend, she should really try and concentrate on being his mother,and parent.. My mother is having this same problem with my 14 year old brother who Father passed away and she had remarried again. She is trying to hard to make him happy all the time, which makes it super easy for him to get away with anything and everything.
You can still discipline children without beating the **** out of them. She really isn't doing him any favors just letting him do whatever he wants...

Answer 6

Would it be possible just to sit the kid down and reason with him? Tell him that if he doesn't learn to discipline himself and control himself he has a chance of ending up in jail or at the very least poor and living out of garbage cans because nobody will hire him, ever. Maybe take him for a ride to the ugly poverty ridden parts of town, let him see what awaits him. Tell him life can be beautiful and rewarding, you can have material wealth and friends and wonderful loving families but you have to discipline yourself and make an effort to succeed and to do so you need to be considerate of other people. Let him know that this is a lesson he will learn on his own, eventually, anyway, but that the sooner he starts living right the better his life will be. Just a thought, I hope something works. Good luck, its a tough situation. Hey, maybe just tell your wife all this stuff, that if the boy doesn't start getting a clue his life will be crap, so as a favor to her own boy she should clue him in. Nicely of course. Reasoning helps. Anyway, good luck.

Answer 7

The only suggestion I can make is that you, your wife and the boys attend family counseling. Your church may offer it.

This is an issue that needs to be resolved. It will not go away on its own. If you can't get the two of them to agree that authority is shared and that children must mind their parents--then I don't see much hope for your marriage.

I would start the counseling before you try to get back together. Your son should also attend with you.

I disagree with the individual who suggested you can't be involved in the relationship between your wife and her son. Both of them are in your life and that makes it your business. Children must obey their parents and that includes step-parents.

At the same time, you as his stepfather should be working to earn his respect. He doesn't have to like you but he should respect you and your authority as a parent. Approach him as a person of integrity. Be kind. Respect him and his rights. But be firm.

A child who won't mind will grow up to be an adult with no sense of direction and probably with no self-respect, so it is very much in HIS interest, as well as yours and your wife's, for him to be obedient.

And, making a child obey is NOT abuse.

Good luck. This won't be easy.

Answer 8

you need family counseling! Try to get her to go see someone with you and talk out the problems. Maybe she will see that not disciplining her son she is hurting him in the long run because he will think he can do anything and get away with it.

The first time he gets into trouble with the law. Let him sit there and think about things for a while.

Answer 9

This is a very unfortunate situation. Your wife needs counseling and parenting classes to get over the things in her childhood and learn to raise a capable adult in todays society. If she won't do this maybe get her turned onto something that might help like one of those Nanny 911 shows that explains how to discipline children without being abusive.

Answer 10

A spanking and/or discipline is not being abused.
That CHILD needs to respect his mom and you. . .and she needs to be more of a parent to him. . .

It's only going to get worse for her and you if she doesn't do something about him.

She is actually doing him a disservice by not being a parent to him. If she wants you back in her life 24/7, she would agree to some parenting classes that focus on discipline and keeping her child in check, without anger or raising a hand or voice to him.