What would you do to save this relationship?

Question

Hi, we have been having fights over a lot of things with my husband recently (stupid things, but they are important for us), there was even some pushing and throat holding (his bad) and door breaking and slapping (my bad). (Which by the way I still dont know if it was crossing the line of no return). We have talked about divorcing so many times... But we both love each and have very different ways of expressing it. Talking just doesnt do it - I have tried too many times. We end up at the same place. We did fight like that when we were going out (obviously), but the question is what to do? He has suggested taking a break - which I dont understand what it means. To me taking a break it means breaking up to fool around. He says that it is not like that - just not see each other for a week or so... Also, I dont see how that is going to solve anything.
As you can guess romantic dinner just wont do it. Any suggestions?

sorry I meant to say we DIDNT fight like that.

I know what you mean about being abusive, it is just that I know he is not that kind of person to do that. However he did and now it just feels a little different. It was no big deal in a physical sense, but it was a shock. He said he will never do that again, but it didnt sound very persuasive. All i know that it was the first time he has ever done that and I hope it was just an exception.

He said he wont do marriage counselling before even when I asked and we were about to get divorced. He says it is a waste of money and time...

no children.

Advice is going to be taken aboard. We have had very good times together and I love my husband and he loves me. I want to save it and that is why I am writing here. The question was how to save it and not how to break it up - no offense. I think what we call abusive relationship is very relative and I think all couples are in abusive relationships to a certain extend (because of forgiving, compromise and etc - where does all that come from?). I never even had any bruises or marks - neither did he and the door got fixed the next morning-. So please I appreciate all of your replies. Any way to SAVE it?

I really trust that he will be able not to sleep with other women when we are away from each other for 1 week. Otherwise, yep - there would be no pint saving it.

Free Angel, the last replier - you have not even read what I wrote. You guys, I am talking about my life here, please either take the time to think first or just answer "I am writing this for the points". Thank you.

Answer 1

I have been married 28 years and my husband and I are very happily married. We tell each other often how blessed we are to be so fortunate to have each other. BUT, we married young (20 and 23) and those first few years were very turbulent. And my husband a few times did something that if I wrote on yahoo answers I would have been told to leave him because I was in an abusive relationship. We were young and had a lot of stress at the time. But, we stuck it out and am glad that we did.

Your husband does not believe in marriage counseling. You do not believe in breaks. Sit down with your husband and tell him these are the new rules in your marriage:

1) When you are angry with each other and about to say or do something hurtful, WALK AWAY. One of you take a walk so you can both think about what you really want to tell your spouse without shouting and name calling and hitting. Do not let the argument escalate to a point of no return.

2) Both of you write down on a piece of paper what you love about the other, why you married each other. When you are annoyed with each, remember this list and ask yourselves "are you ready to leave this person over this incident?"

3) You no longer use phrases like, "You are a slob". Say "I feel like a maid when I have to pick up after you". Don't say, "You are a nag" instead say, "I feel like I work hard all day and all you want is for me to work on the house at night." Learn to communicate better. State how you feel instead of name calling.

4) For now on, you will hold hands more often. You will cuddle on the couch when you are watching TV, you will have a date night once a week, you will praise each other more often, you will kiss each other when you see the other at the end of the day, you will take turns giving each other daily back rubs, he will bring you flowers for no reason, you will cook his favorite meal just because. Remember why you decided to spend the rest of your lives together.

I hope this helps. I can feel your pain in your letter and I can remember how scary it was to think that I was in a bad marriage those many years ago. You sound like you love him very much, so fight for this marriage. Do what it takes to make each other happy. Good luck.

Answer 2

Marriage counselling and anger management classes for both of you. ASAP. You are both physically and emotionally abusive towards each other and this could be a result of lack of proper communication among other things. Taking a break, may or may not be a good thing, but without proper help and learning better ways of coping and relationships, a break isn't going to fix any problems. Even if you do choose to end this marriage, I hope that you will get yourself help because an issue like this isn't the result of your relationship, but the ways in which you deal with the world. In other words, the next relationship you get into will most likely have the same problems if not worse!

Answer 3

you didnt say if u already have children, bec having one could be one of the many reasons couple fights.. you are just both exhausted all the time. anyways, the way i see it, i believe one of you has to "bend down" a little. so when husband gets irritated over some little thing, wife has to be cool and shouldnt react so bad and vice versa. getting "physical" with your spouse must be a "no-no", because once you start hurting each other physically, it will be hard not to the next time you fight. i suggest that if your husband is in the fighting mood, you leave the house and let him cool down, and vice versa. normally, small fights get to be major ones because no one wants to give in, or take a breather.. if you really love each other, it doesnt matter who gives in first, it's not like your fighting for who's the better spouse right? what matters most is how you can end the fight with less arguments, and save the marriage and make it last. so if in the arguments you may lose for giving in, what matters most is that deep inside, you still won for making the marriage work. this way, he thinks he has the upper hand, while secretly he doesnt know it was your own doing that he feels that way..end result- both of you get what you both wish for... a boost in his ego and a marriage that works

Answer 4

well, maybe he is right. taking a break means u don't see each other for some weeks and evaluate your relationships during that time. maybe u will find out that u re much better without him and this constunt fighting. and believe me, i have been in abusive relationship - if he started holding your throat it won't stop just there. he will beat u sooner or later. first lightly and apologize, then hard and without apologizing. as if it was all your own fault. and by the way, aren't u tired of constunt fighting? do u know how much time and energy u waste over that? and we live oly once, maybe u re forgetting that. so if i were u i would take a break and think. think very hard. because there is life without fighting and abusing. i found another man - the sweates man on earth. we never fight. life is so much better without fighting. and saves a lot of time for rolling in bed. good luck to u

Answer 5

you've reached the point of no return , physical , emotional and I'm guessing verbal abuse as well , he wont do marriage counciling and you dont want to split so you both have time to breath , sounds like you have control issues as well as the abuse .

There is NO way I'd even consider trying to save this , but as I well know advice given here is never heeded so you'll stay and continue to punch , bite , strangle and put hole's in wall's and door's , soooooo.

Both of you get yourselves fixed so you cant bring kids into this abusive relationship and carry on as normal.

Did ya'll miss the bit where she said she also guilty of the abuse ? or is it all just on the bloke? sheesh people learn to read hey. When both parties are guilty of abuse then they might as well split and go on with their lives away from each other so they can learn what real love and what real commitment means. Its not rocket science sheesh people get real.

Answer 6

It takes two to fight! Stop fighting. Sounds simple, but if you don't fight, if you try to get along and stop with your own abusive behavior, things will change. If you take a break as he suggests, he'll sleep with other women and will find that there are so many of them available to him that he won't want you back.

Answer 7

Do not take a break. It will be hard to go back. Get counseling instead. Marriage counseling will help you to work things out. The first 5 years are the hardest.

Stop the slapping, and tell him to stop the throat holding. One of you is going to hurt the person they love badly!!

Answer 8

Sometimes it's best to walk away from a marriage especially when you reach a point and grasp at straws and think having a romantic dinner together is going to solve the problems.

Answer 9

Taking a break is a good idea.

Sometimes you need to step back and think about things................its called a trial separation.

Just set rules ...............tell him if you do 'take this break' that its for you both to reasses your relationship, and not to go out seeking others or fool around.

Answer 10

honestly? the moment his dumb a.ss put his hands on you, you needed to kick him out the door. it's abuse, and NO woman should accept it. which is exactly what you're doing...