Me and my husband of 23 yrs are getting a divorce. He has been having an affair for over 6 months and chose her we have 2 girls 19,21 and i told them what happened. Now he says i polluted the kids they will not talk to him. I have tried to make this happen but the big issue is he demands respect for being there father and has never said sorry for the affair ,just that its his life and business not ours. I say trust and respect have to be earned and he has lost both with the girls pretty much told them he doesn't care if he never sees them again. This is not the man i married for sure.Should i just leave it alone?
2007-10-28 21:50:48 · 9 answers · asked by pa 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thank you all so much. This is how i feel i just wanted to make sure i;m making the right descions they are most defiantly entitled to their own opoinions. I feel better now.
2007-10-28 22:18:17 · update #1
your right we should have told them together but he did not want anyone to know and would not stop seeing her so thats how it went.
2007-10-29 09:05:54 · update #2
Pa sounds as if your ex is a very confused man at present. To put anyone and/or anything above the feelings of your children is very dangerous. Hopefully over time he will come to his senses and have a talk with his daughters and let them know how much he still loves then but that things just weren't going right for you two and that is reason relationship failed. Do not attempt to influence how these young girls look at their father or they may end up being resentful of you also. You are 100% saying that trust and respect have to be earned but it cannot be forced. Best of luck and hope that eventually, after you've grieved the loss of this relationship, that you can find someone to replace this man that will treat you with the respect and make you once again feel wanted, needed and loved.
2007-10-28 21:57:20 · answer #1 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your children are obviously upset and with good reason. I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, but for the children's sake perhaps it would have been better if you'd told them together or he had told him as he is the one having the affair.
Now that they have heard your side of the story, and it's hard for them to hear the 'offender's' story. That said, they are grow children and should be able to make their own decisions.
Children should realise though that parents separating doesn't mean that they love the kids any less.
2007-10-29 08:14:05 · answer #2 · answered by cherie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-14 07:45:14 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When he is not a good husband,he cannot be a good father as well!He is selfish.Thanks God,your kids are grown enough to understand the situation!He
doesn't deserve respect just being a father,
he has to be a good,loving and caring father!
2007-10-28 22:13:33 · answer #4 · answered by mayavi 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your husband is the kind of person who would disrespect you by cheating on you then it may be much healthier for your daughters not to have him as part of their lives, he is the one who made the choice to betray his vows to you. They are adults and had a right to know the basics of what happened between their parents to have the marriage end, your ex sounds like a bit of a sociopath by blaming you for something that was directly caused by his actions and choices.
2007-10-28 22:00:48 · answer #5 · answered by maybyesmaybno 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess he married to early he got tired of pleasing the family. Ahhhh let me guess he got tired of jobs/and he thought his life was meanless ... This guy likes to party. maybe to much. Better luck next time lady. I hope your girls don't hate him he just a loser. He gave up Wife and kids for b!@ches and H%'s can you say STDS.
2007-10-28 22:18:48 · answer #6 · answered by MR. YEE 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not your job to heal their relationship--you weren't responsible for messing it up. Which is worse--what he did, or that you were honest with them about it?
I had a similar situation, except my kids were younger at the time (6 & 12). They are now 21, and we have been through years of much the same thing, him blaming me because he didn't have a good relationship with the kids, and saying I was "poisoning" them against him. It's just that they were smart enough to figure him out (as I finally was) and he didn't much like being called on his behavior.
He has now been remarried for a couple of years, and it has been almost 10 years since he left. He has slowly built a better relationship with the kids, and they accept him for who he is and what he has to offer. Though I have tried to forgive him for the affair and the emotional/verbal abuse and the things that are in the past, I still have trouble from time to time trusting him because his judgment continues to be questionable, and because the role he has developed for himself now is the one of "fun" parent. He never is around for discipline, chores, or reality, and basically buys their forgiveness and affections with elaborate and often inappropriate gifts that I can't afford and wouldn't give them if I could.
Leave it alone as best you can, but do the best you can to guard your girls' hearts from further hurt. They do need some sort of relationship with their father for their own wellbeing, as all girls crave that and it helps them know what to look for (or what not to look for, as the case may be) in their own marriages. They are pretty much grown up and they can figure things out for themselves. He will have to do the work on restoring that relationship--it's your job to mother them and protect them. You also need to try and show them that all men are not like this--look for other father figures to serve as role models for them (male relatives, men in your church, etc.). Girls with dads who do this sort of thing are sometimes prone to look for "bad boys" much like their dad with the ideas that they can "fix" it this time, or they look for older men....be on the lookout for this in order to give them guidance and try to steer them away from making a mistake with their own relationships.
Bottom line, it's not your fault and it's not up to you to fix it, but you can't just leave it alone either. You have to keep being their mom and do the best you can to help them get through this with the least amount of damage possible. He's the one who will have to earn back their respect and trust.
2007-10-28 22:11:04 · answer #7 · answered by arklatexrat 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When a part of ur body gets GANGARINE u cut it off,dont keep it lingering for long.ur daughters r matured at this age,let them decide for themself,dont interfeer in their relation.
2007-10-28 22:11:37 · answer #8 · answered by prahlad d 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YES, your girls are adults now. They can make there own decisions. If they want to talk to him they will if not then so be it. But at least it will be there decision not yours.
2007-10-28 21:55:00 · answer #9 · answered by katie s 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋