Spouse with Asperger's?

Question

I love my husband very much. He is a very sweet, loving, loyal man. I have known about him having Asperger's since shortly after we began dating over eight years ago. While I will admit that it can be frustrating at times (due to him not always being able to read my emotions and also his lack of ambition sometimes),overall he is a terrific guy and I love being with him. A while ago, I searched online for a support group for people whose spouses had Asperger's. What I found was a group of very bitter, angry people (mainly women) who complained about how they had married "idiots" but felt trapped in their marriages because of kids and other reasons. They encouraged me to leave my husband as soon as possible before I realized what a terrible person he was. Of course I was extremely offended by this. Is there anyone in a similar situation as mine who does NOT despise their Asperger's spouse or the fact that they are affected by this disorder?

Answer 1

My husband doesn't have a diagnosis but we do speak of him as being "a bit Asperger's" and autism and Aspergers run in his family.

Like yours, my husband is the most loving, tender and loyal man and I believe I really couldn't have a better husband. However, there are times when communication can be a bit of a problem - if he starts some kind of a list (or story) it's very hard for him to not finish it so staying on track or doing anything in a hurry sometimes just isn't going to happen. Sometimes he feels quite inadequate because of this.

But to me his kindness and creativity far outweigh anything he may be lacking. And fortunately he feels the same about me ;-) Like all human beings I have my own failings and frailities and being with him has taught me the value of love, compassion and humanity. I have no problem with him or his disorder - it's just another one of the many reasons I love him.

I'm sorry to hear about those poor, bitter women in that support group - they're not taking advantage of a very precious resource right under their nose (the opportunity for unconditional love). I guess we'll just have to carry on being grateful to have such wonderful husbands, right?!

Happy Halloween to you both!

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

Hi. My condolences over your bad experience in that forum. I'll venture a guess that it was Delphi Forums' "AS Partners" forum. There is a new, similar-yet-different Delphi forum for people with AS partners called "AS and Their Partners." It seems to be gaining members and posts, and is now more popular than AS Partners. AS & Their Partners has a more constructive approach.

AS Partners chewed me up and spit me out several years ago. I'm a mental-health professional with considerable AS experience, and who was raised by 2 AS parents, although I'm not AS myself. I pointed out to one of the women in the forum how she was behaving inappropriately towards her stepson, and before I knew it, I had been called a dozen names, and although I was a popular poster up to this time, the moderator threw me out because it was too much trouble. Yes, those women certainly did have their own victimhood point of view, and they weren't about to let anybody interfere with it (I'm male BTW).

Enough history. I'm happy that you are married to somebody who, although they have AS, they (and you) remain highly functional and positive. But many people who are dealing with AS spouses are dealing with a lot of dark and nasty things. Let me name some at random, both from my personal and professional experience.

Many people with AS have very rigid thinking and behavior. This makes it impossible to have a normal life. You can't make any changes to anything--recipes, schedules, furniture arrangements. They are addicted to food, drugs, routines, alcohol or rarely religion. They are at times shockingly self-centered and selfish and negative, and they can ruin almost any occasion. They don't snap out of or change their behavior just because you point it out to them. They have sexual problems and paraphilias including impotence, hypersexuality, and worse. Many partners complain about their aspies' pornography use, and sexually inappropriate behavior in various contexts.

Some people with AS are super-honest, but I've known more who are very dishonest, so much so that you swear you're not living on the same planet because your stories are so different. They are unmotivated except when it comes to having their own immediate needs met. A lot of these women were hoodwinked into relationships with aspies, as people with AS can be very manipulative and can put on a false, charming, cooperative and generous front--for a while--until they feel like they can let their guard down. Women in relationships with AS partners say they don't have any money, they've lost their friends, they are overworked, constantly solving crises, and belittled and humiliated by their partners, not to mention they get no affection or help. Aspies are known to abandon families or to become violent if too much pressure is put on them to be responsible to others.

In sum, if you had a porn and pot-addicted husband who gets fired from jobs because he is always undermining his coworkers and doesn't pull his weight, and who also attacks and belittles his children at home, while expecting to be treated like a king, and who won't let his wife have a car or spending money even though she does all the errands and housework, whereas he has spent the family's last dollar on some ridiculousness more times than she can remember, who can't remember the smallest scrap of information, no matter how important, but who always remembers (and demands) exactly how he likes his tea made and his clothes folded, who absentmindedly takes both his and her keys with him to work, and who can't seem to take a proper shower to boot--well, I bet you'd be bitter too. Sweet, loving and loyal is not a part of these women's lives, and my heart goes out to them.

Maxine Aston has written about marriages to (and divorces from) people with AS, and she has a somewhat dim view of the likely success of such arrangements. For this she has been vilified, as people want to see AS as some sort of cultural difference, rather than for what it really is, a lifelong syndrome of maladaptative social and cognitive functioning. As a consequence of my experience, I always recommend against people marrying aspies. People usually don't know what they're getting themselves into. But adults can do what they want, and if they do marry, I wish them well. The few questions about AS I've answered on here, well, the problems have been pretty bad--incest, kleptomania, OCD, and addictions.

So you need to find a forum where the people with AS and their partners are a bit higher functioning, and the problems aren't quite as dire. On a positive note, if your man is mostly cooperative, even if he doesn't always read you well, you should be able to teach him constructive responses, and having a loving and positive spouse goes a long way.