Please help a very serious question my retired parents both live with me?

Question

I do my best to take care of them from grocery to medical no financial help from them I am ok doing that no problem. But my mom criticizes me constantly find faults in me think negative about me if I say anything she makes it worst fighting with me calling me names . She is young too 53 and I am in my early 30's with a daughter. they are living with me from last five yrs. But this constant nagging is making me feel worst every day. Its hard to stay home on weekends. she tells me I better listen to her constant negative words as she cooks for me that’s true I work hard at my work and sometimes I don't have time to cook and she mostly cooks for me But in return ( I can never return them anything they are my parents I love both of them) I take them out almost every other weekend for dinner and shopping. I try to buy best for them best clothes best food . My dad is seriously ill with different disease I always help them staying late in hospitals taking off from my work to be @ hospital. Still

no respect . I respect them for all they have done for me but constant nagging makes me feel worst and I don't feel like eating what my mom cooks now. If I try to help in kitchen she says if doing today do it every day or don't do it today I feel like controlled. I do have sibling she lives in another state always give some or the other reason to not have them move with her . Anyways the worst I feel when I participate when she is blaming me and then I say stop stop please don’t start and she and when she is not stopping I join to telling I do everything I can please if you can not appreciate than don't blame . Then they both say they live in this house like servants and a new drama starts all again well I want to add I also give them pocket money so they don't feel like they have no money. Please advise I really appreciate that. I love both of them but don't know how to handle this situation. Thanks.Well I wanted to add I am very independent girl I don't have any man in my life .

They think not having a man in my life is also my fault.

well please advice I getting tired.
I love them and they have no where to go .I understand I want to help them but I want peace at home . advise how I can make my parents understand as I don'e want to hurt them. Thanks.

they were not always like that now since they are getting old they are very sensetive about every thing.

Answer 1

It sounds like they are very old-fashioned, and I think you have to just accept that and just suck it up! Don't worry about what your mother is saying. Let it go in one ear and out the other. They are just acting like THEIR parents acted. They don't know any different. You are being a wonderful daughter, and don't you ever forget it!! It's good karma.
You know, your Mom is probably going through the change.(Menopause.) She's just that age. Can you tell if there are no more tampons or pads around?? (She probably never used tampons, right?! lol)

I'm sure your mother is worried about your Dad. So she's home alone with him all day being miserable, so she takes it all out on you. Just remember whart a generous thing you are doing. And don't let anything she says make you sad or depressed or feel like crying. Just let it all roll off your shoulders. I'm sure you just feel like having it out with her, and having a big old fight! DON'T do that!! She knows she can say anything to you, because you are the daughter, and you must respect the parents. I believe your mom enjoys this in a sick way.

I think they should be proud of you!! You must have a wonderful, well-paying job to keep them!! I'm curious what you do for a living! And what about your private life?? You should be dating, and possibly getting married and having kids! How do they feel about that?? Don't let them cramp your style. You are old enough to spend a lot of time with men. If they don't like it; too bad.

How many siblings do you have? Why are they not contributing to this? If it's just you and your sister, she should be paying half. In their will, they probably divide everything equally. That would really piss me off.

I'm very interested in this. Please E-mail me if you have the time, and answer all my questions!!! Just remember that you are being a saint!! Don't let them get you down; EVER!
I wish you the best of luck. You deserve a star!!! Sincerely, Lynn :)

Answer 2

Hey! Sounds like you're going through a tough time. Don't worry, you will get throug this. The question is: when do you want this to stop?

I know it's hard because they are your parents but you cannot be controlled by them. You definitely need seperation. There should be a retirement facility that will charge rent based on income or if they need assistance they can go to a facility that takes Medicaid/ Medicare. They will still be able to leave and visit but there will be much needed seperation. After that happens then there can be healing and hopefully repairing of the relationship.

I wish you the best. I would not tell them where I was taking them but I would have a few retirement facilities lined up to visit. Just tell them you're taking them shopping.

I'm a marketing director for a retirement facility so I deal with this all the time..

Answer 3

Just because they are your parents doesn't make you obligated to take care of them. I know that sounds mean but the truth is you have your own family to worry about, (meaning you and your daughter) and that's who you should be taking care of right now. All the verbal abuse you take from your mom isn't good for your daughter either. You need to have a long talk with them and tell them how they make you feel and tell them your doing the best you can and if that's not good enough maybe they should look into getting their own apartment or moving into a retirement home (the state could help pay for it).
I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 4

Boy are you being taken for a ride! This woman has no respect for you as a person, & she's your mother? I am 67, came to live with my daughter, her husband & two teenagers last year after being unable to cope. I clean house & cook for them through the week as they both work in security. They do lots for me as I have arthritis & a back problem. They do regular spring cleans , things my condition doesnt allow, take me shopping or wherever I need to go, and we all get on very well.I would never expect them to pay for my food or anything, no parent has the right to do that to a child!I pay an amount that I suggested, every week, it covers food, electricity, phone,and use of anything in the house. Wake up & sort this mess out before it's too late. I feel sorry for your father if he's genuinely ill, but it's no excuse for them to use you in this fashion.

Answer 5

I had the exact same situation 2 years ago. I really know how you feel. I can give you advice on what to tell them, but I know you dont want to hurt them, and if you do tell them then you end up feeling worse. But I did once when I couldn't bear it anymore take my mom to my room and tell her I don't wanna say this but we need to talk. It helped a bit. So if you maybe sit down with them and tell them seriously if you all want to continue living together attituted must change, and tell them what bothers you. You have a life of your'e own and needn't go through that. I understand the whole situation. But remember when you lived in their house while growing up you had to live by their rule, so they need to understand the tables are turned now. You can talk to me if you need someone, because I promise you I still have anxiety attacks from that time.......

Answer 6

My Mom took care of her mother until her death. My Grandmother was always raving about how great her other two grown children were (who never lifted a finger to help) and never appreciated what my mother sacrificed to care for her.

If I were in your shoes, I'm afraid I wouldn't be nearly as passive as you've been. I can understand caring for your ill father, but your mom sounds like she's in great need of some tough love. Tell her flat out, it's your home and she's being rude, disrespectful and verbally abusive. You aren't a little girl anymore, you are a grown woman with a child of your own (by the way, does she hear all this?). I know you love them, but she is way out of line.

Answer 7

Well Heres An Idea Ask Her To Kindly ease up or tune out this constant nagging

Answer 8

its time for them to move out on there own, if they are broke there are programs for this, your mother is 53, still young enough to get a job, I am sorry but you need your own life you are not responsible for this.....