Does wife have right to be upset?

Question

Husband has been working 10-12 hours lately (although usually 8 hours daily). Wife does not have public job, just is a home maker. Wife paints kitchen on the days husband is off work, should husband help? Wife is upset because she even helped him paint the out side of the house etc.... but he didnt help her at all. Does wife have right to be upset?

Answer 1

First, let's clarify something. You are not "just" a homemaker :) That is undoubtedly the most important job a woman could have so don't think less of yourself or talk like you are less because you have alot on your hands and a homemaker's job doesn't go from 8a to 5p like other jobs.

Having said that, I'm not downplaying your role at home and all that you do but you can take time to sit down and relax if you choose to, something your husband cannot do at work. When he finally gets off his job, the one thing he wants to do is come home to the one he loves and he wants to relax and enjoy some time with you.

If and when big projects need to be done, work out a schedule when he might be able to help you so you can work together. I think it is great you helped him but it's unfair that you expect him to automatically help you and then get your feelings hurt because he didn't.

Make home his haven of peace from a hectic and stressful day at work, so rather than get upset over this, let it go and when you get a chance, talk with him later and set up schedules when he might be able to help with big jobs that might come up in the future.

Greet him at the door with a kiss each night and have a hot meal waiting for him. Massage his shoulders later in the evening and even send him love cards at work every now and then to tell him how much you appreciate all that he does to take care of you.

All your feelings of resentment will go away if you concentrate on making him happy and the love between the two of you will grow more, too. Each person should be giving 100% of themselves to making the other person happy and when you lower that percentage and get into your resentments, you build walls and that will only cause problems somewhere down the road.

Above all, never go to bed mad. My husband and I are quick to say "I'm sorry" if we think we have offended the other and we vowed before we married to never go to bed mad or upset for fear if one of us would die during the night, the other would have to live with the regret of not saying "I love you" as our last words to the other.

Romantic ideas to show him your appreciation:
http://www.lovingyou.com/content/romance/?ID=ideas

Always be willing to give more of yourself to the other than you expect in return and you will find happiness and love. Talk with him and share your feelings but do it in a kind and loving way so you can work on issues when they come up.

Wishing you well and years of happiness........

Answer 2

My question is why is she painting on the days he is off? Is it because she 1) wants his help 2) needs his help or 3) is subconsciously looking for a means to start something?

Seriously, if you have a home maker and a working person who puts in that many hours, shouldnt the time the working person isnt working be enjoyable time? Is it fair to ask someone to work 50-60 hrs a week and then come home to work some more? Would you say the homemaker is working that many hours at home? If you can honestly say the homemaker is putting in that many hours working, be it complete home rennovations or newborn childcare, then I would say I can understand wanting/needing working partners help and being miffed about not getting it.

NOW, if the homemaker is spending significantly less time working on the home during the week while the working person is working, then that person doesnt have a leg to stand on. You cant cry foul if someone works all week and then doesnt want to work all weekend when the homemaker spend half the week watching Days of our Lives and visiting with the neighbors. Especially when the chore in question is perfectly able to be completed without said working person.

Again, I think one has to look at the underlining question here. Does the person really NEED the others help or is it just a desire to see that person put in time working at home also?

Answer 3

If the wife said a week or two in advance, "Hey, honey! I'd like to get the kitchen painted. Can we plan to do it together the weekend after next?" And he says yes. Explicitly says yes, not "We'll see." or "If I'm not working." Then the wife has a right to be angry.

If the wife just went out and bought the paint, started painting and expected husband to just pitch right in after the surprise wore off, then, no, the wife doesn't have the right to be angry.

He shouldn't expect that, just because it's housework, he has no share in it (the house runs 24/7 and it's not fair to expect to stick to your 9-5 [or 9am - 10pm] without helping out somewhere.

However, it's also not reasonable to expect him to have the same expectations of housework and maintenance that you have, unless you talk to him about it. Not issue edicts about scrubbing the bathroom tile with a toothbrush, but sitting down and agreeing on who does what and when.

I hope you enjoy your handywork!

Answer 4

Too many times you see the stay at home partner still wants to split home duties evenly. That's hardly fair is it? I don't know if that's the situation here, but with the little bit of information given that's wha I think. If he's working longer hours it probably means he's extra busy at work too. So his days off are precious. He may feel that the kitchen painting is part of the wife's share of the duties since she doesn't work outside the home.

I know homemakers work, but I don't think the usual stuff takes 8 hours a day, plus travel time. And if a homemaker decides to sit down and have a long lunch, they don't get in trouble for it.

Answer 5

Depends, did said wife inform said husband that she would be painting on said day? If so, did she inform said husband that his help would be required?

Look, marriage is not always 50/50. I agree that chores, especially larger ones, should be shared as much as possible between the husband and wife, regardless of their work schedule. With that said, it's also unfair to ask someone who's been working a lot of overtime lately (especially when they're not use to it) to participate in a chore like this.

Next time, communicate better.

Answer 6

I would have the feeling that the problem goes much deeper than the painting. It is probably a lot of different things besides that and that is the straw that breaks the camels back. I understand wanting help around the house with projects but I also understand the feeling of working 12 hours - I crash when i get home. So not to side swipe the question but getting mad won't really help, they need to talk. He could commit to spending a couple hours on one of his days off to help.

Answer 7

Only if wife wants her husband to view her as a naggy ***** who is trying to ruin his days off. I mean come on, he is working 10-12 hour days... what is your problem? The outside of the house is alot bigger than the kitchen.

You need to choose your battles wisely and this is not one worth fighting. Instead of getting upset, look at the job you've done and pat yourself on the back.

Answer 8

Maybe wife is really not upset about the paint, but is upset that husband is never around and is taking her anger out on the paint situation.

Answer 9

Husband has been working a lot lately - probably way too tired to want to work on his days off. I would say it was your choice to do all that work and that you are wanting some appreciation from your husband. What is this 'just a homemaker' about? A homemaker is one of the most difficult jobs there is.

Answer 10

I will have to say no because you are at home and although you work in the home, he is gone for 10 hours. My husband and I have always had the agreement that he would bring home the money we need and I would take care of the home front. It has worked for 35 years.