~~~Mirror~~~ a poem, any comments?

Question

I wrote this yesterday, and I think it could still use some work. It's different from my usual style but...here it is:

MIRROR

Mirror, mirror dashed from the wall,
Your glass is broken, for you were false.
You called a beast a beauty rare,
O! Flattery ruined both you and her.

She knew herself, and asked you yet
If beauty was her's, and so you said.
Now you sprawl in shards on the ground for your lies,
And feel the hot rain, her tears, as she cries.

She weeps for the dark so fast closing in,
For vanity, pride, and many a sin.
Mirror, mirror, with tears dry and cold,
You weep for yourself, she weeps all alone.

Both broken, one hopeless, you brought on your own grief,
One for your lies, one for self-deceit.
The beds you have made you must now lie upon,
And wish for a dawn that may never come.

Mirror, now in fragments of glass
You brushed off the future, and tried to laugh.
Laugh now, with reflection shattered and blurry,
At weakness, despair, disease and fury.

Mirror, mirror, is all now gone?
Sheild not yourself, look what these sins have done:
Open your jagged eyes, lift your fallen head;
Mirror, mirror, your mistress is dead.

Yes, it's an original by myself--I didn't copy it.

Answer 1

I've learned from my last critique of one of your poems that you aren't seeking well-thought analysis so much as trite unconditional praise, so I'll keep this brief (for me, anyway).

I still won't indulge you (or any active poet for that matter, including myself) in unthinking flattery. Where else then would come the chance to improve one's art? But I will do an abridged version of my honest aesthetic response. What you do with it from that point is out of my hands.

It's an intriguing trope starting with the allusion to fairy tales in echoing the line, "mirror mirror on the wall." There is some potential in subverting the cliches of the fairy tale genre to suit a meditation on human vanity.

However, I found the archaic diction (e.g., "O! Flattery ruined...") interfered with the potential sense of legitimacy for the voice of the poem. A 21st century vernacular might be more suitable, especially since this is in part about upending the ideology of fairy tales.

I'd recommend avoiding abstractions like "vanity," "pride," and "self-deceit" when they are merely used as shorthand exposition to spell out the internal conflict.

For further inspiration, look at Sylvia Plath's "Mirror" which follows themes similar to your poem. Actually, I don't think it's one of Plath's stronger poems, BUT her straightforward diction seems an appropriate match for the unmitigated starkness of the personified mirror's voice.

The last line is particular strong in ending on a memorable vivid (not abstract) detail of the fish.
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/mirror/

So bottom line: good initial concept for just having written it, but keep on revising.

Answer 2

terrific imagination in this poem and it really makes me think. I like the "fairytale" theme in it, and the overall concept of writing about a mirror. Maybe not use some less common words---i.e. I 've been told not to use "beauty" in my writing. It can make a poem more bland. Who is she? Yourself? Your mother? A fantasy princess? A toad? Fiona? That question answered in this poem would actually to me make it more interesting."a wish for a dawn that may never come'----I don't like that line, just to melodramatic, and why wouldn't the day come? Is she facing nuclear holocaust? What time of day is it?
I love the mirror "dashed" from the wall. This is exciting and it
contrasts well with the ingrained concept of a standing still mirror--exciting. Then on your rewrite you explore that more-- the broken mirror images are awesome. This poem simply rocks. Great job. A+++++

Answer 3

Singing 2 the rain you are an awesome poet and much better then i have ever seen.you have great talent and it shows,I love all your work and i want to say ; thank-you so for sharing your beautiful works of art,,,all i can think is WoW..

Answer 4

It is a terrible mirror indeed that will lie to it's master/mistress. It deserves to be shattered into small fragments. beautiful poetry.

Answer 5

Top poem.
'I see myself in shining glass
Virtuous in front, but still an ***
I turn and hope the glass won't see
The mixed-up bloke that's trully me!'
-
Hang on a minute! Why the thumbs down?
I'm a reasonable bloke (with a scar and a frown)
Could you not, on reflection, admire my detection
Of the very best rhymes about town?
-

Answer 6

It fascinates me that people can actually write this stuff. I can't write my name without a dictionary. It's beautiful. I loved reading it, and I liked the story it told.

Answer 7

i liked it. it was enchanting and interesting to read. reminded me of a type of dark fairytale. you used good words for describing. it just needs to be put a little more put together in some areas but other than that its great!

Answer 8

Mirror, mirror, why you lie?
Didn't you know that you must die.
No need now to sob and sigh.
In many pieces you now lie.

Answer 9

GOOD POEM I MAY SAY !!!!!!!!!!!!
really not joking
if it is not copied then iy is really good
from today i m ur fan young lady
if possible even send me ur other poems also
plzzzzzzz
u have a good talent
keep it RUNNING !!!!!!
all ur feelings have poured from ur heart
it is really good
hope i helped
please feel free to contact me

Answer 10

i think that it is good but you only have one idea in all of this but you discibe it good. i think its just too long.