Somebody please help me! What kind of advice can you give for dealing with a man that is this immature?

Question

I am so frustrated right now that I could cry. We have had our problems, but there is one thing that I can't deal with -- pure ignorance. My husband is very childish and immature, and I did not know he was like this until after we got married. I knew he had minor personality flaws, but not to this degree. If we get into an argument about something he will cut off all communication with me, even if it involves a business or financial matter. I cannot begin to list all the things that he has dropped the ball on, however, I have to tell you this.

I called him after church and he answered the phone with an attitude. I asked him what was wrong and he was upset because when I cooked spaghetti I left some dried up on the stove. Anytime he has to clean-up before he cooks he gets highly pissed, but when I do it no big deal! That's life. I clean up behind him all the time, but whenever he has to do anything out of the way and it inconveniences him he gets upset.

So we got into it about that, because truth be told he only washes the dishes when he wants to. The only thing he does is cut the yard once or twice a month. Anyway, we weren't on speaking terms when I got home.

He got up and went to the store, so I checked the online bank account because I was curious as to what we had left. I couldn't get in with my username and password and I knew it was correct because I check the account several times per day. After calling the bank I learned that I was locked out. The lady said somebody made several attempts so it locked us out. I called my husband on my cell phone and asked if he had tried to access the account. He said he had. i asked why he didn't inform me of the lockout. He was very non-chalant about it and said "I guess you need to call them to get is straightened out". I said you didn't call them, and when were you going to say something. He acted like nothing had happened.

That is immature and ignorant. I'm sorry ...

I want to say that having a discussion with this man is not possible. He feels that anytime we talk about something we are wasting precious time. Regardless of whether it's important or not. He is not the type of person that you can be rational with. I have been there and done that. We have been married for a little over three years. He is a very defensive person and cannot take constructive criticism, no matter how you put it -- nicely or blunt. He just doesn't want to hear it. Also, counseling is not an option for him because he feels there's nothing they can tell him that he doesn't already know. So I'm stuck.

Answer 1

Wow!

I thought my ex was one of a kind when it came to this, but hearing your story makes me realize that mold wasn't broken. First of all, he was this way when you married him, he just hid it well.

Secondly, it isn't going to change, what you married and the way he's acting and behaving now, is what he will be until HE decides to change. You can't do anything to speed up that process.

Then it becomes: Do you really want 30 or more years of this? Because that's what will happen if he continues on his chosen path.

Answer 2

Oh, I could tell you horror stories compared to those. The first computer we owned, he knew nothing about and got on and just started playing with it. Within less than 2 hours it wouldn't do anything, no matter what we did. It costed us $200 to fix a cp that had never been hooked up to the internet and was only used for 2 hrs. You tell me.
It took me 13 years before I trusted him enough with money to have access info to the checking acct, then he still made me regret it.
Cutting off communication is a control technique and it works. Doesn't it? You have an ever increasing amount of resentment and hard feelings toward him and if he's not getting this, then you'll be lucky if it's over sooner than later.

Answer 3

I was married for 10 years and left him a year and a half ago, BEST desicision i ever made in my life !! what you call immature, i call down right selfish. the question is do you deserve to be treatedlike you have benn being treated ? if the answer is yes then wait and wish upon a lucky star that he will change, if the question is no, then start your mental prep to walk. i waited 10 years thank GOD that i still had some self esteem left and confidence enough to know that I am a good person and that someone will still want me after having 4 kids with a stupid man, no he never cheated on me, not that i know of but he did things with our accounts through the years, hell i couldnt even touch the thermostat on the air without him barking at me, he moved me 3500 miles away from my home state , promised me a fairy tale family and in return he yanked the phone out of the wall so i couldnt call my family and friends, he did 10years worth of selfish crap to me, if it wasnt for GOD giving me the strength to leave then, i would be a vegetable. this man never hit me, but the blows i took from him verbally and mentally was enough. remember you hold the key, and the ball is always in your court.

Answer 4

Your husband might also have a temper and both of you might be thinking about the same thing of how immature the other person is. don't be surprised if he is thinking of you this way also. You have a choice and this choice is put down the red flags and and start communicating how you feel about each others behaviour. You need to make a commitment with each other to start first respecting the other and that you will be understanding. You also need to start trusting each other.
You mentioned that you are going to church, if possible could you get counselling from your clergy?

Answer 5

You sound very intelligent and in-want of a good relationship.

The behaviors your husband is exhibiting are very immature and also you say he has no interest in honesty or communicating with you.

How about you go to a woman's counselor and discuss these issues. If he will not soon come around to wanting to work on the marriage, then I think you should considering moving on with your life and find a compatible partner with similar values as yours. Best wishes.

Answer 6

Sounds to me like "your married" and for better or worse this little boy isn't going to change. So guess what....you can try and change him or try and change everything about yourself he doesn't like. And when you do finally wake up one day and realize you don't even know who you are looking at in the mirror then its time to put on a new face. Thats right. Wake up face time. Put on your party face because you've been to the dog and pony show of marriage to a spoiled brat. Guess who spoiled him? Next if no children are involved opt for one of those quickie vegas divorces. But if there are children then you will have to suffer through child custody and spousal support and everything else. The worst part is since he is an unreasonable ten year old.... you will need a mediator just to talk about how your going to get a separation.

Answer 7

Differences of opinion are not about who's right and who's wrong. I bet he has a story to tell too.
Stop cleaning up after him. The immaturity comes from resentment. Try loving one another, for a change.

Answer 8

If he wants let him take over all the cooking and cleaning in the kitchen! Then he can do it all his way. Compliment his cooking.

Handle the banking yourself - that way you know what's going on and don't necessarily discuss it with him.

Invite him to church, tell him the people there want to see him (especially the Pastor, right?), but don't get upset if he says no.

Answer 9

Ok youve admitted you married a guy with some challenges you either cant handle or wont. So now what? You need to ask youself when does enough become enough and are you better with or without him? It sound like you will never be happy with him so you are left with only one option, divorce and move on unless you both are willing and wanting tosave the marriage then marriage counseling may be the answer. Personally, I think youre way beyond that only because you cant trust what he does or wont do. So the time has cme to just cut your losses and move on to greener pastures. Good luck

Answer 10

You are both immature. You are blowing small things out of proportion...who wants to talk to someone like that? I honestly can blame him for not talking. And its not just "not talking" its shutting down, because he knows no matter what he does or says its not good enough for you and will not make you happy.

I suggest you both grow up and learn to pick your battles.