How can I get my daughter to manage her money better?

Question

She called to tell me she was overdrawn on her checking account and has "no ideal" what happened to the money she was saving to pay her rent for November. I have set down with her in the past and went over all her bills and she should have enough money to cover expenses as well as a few specials treats for the month. She goes to college and works but lives on her own (closer to work & college). I give her $150 a month toward rent (even paid it a few times) but she still can't make it. I asked her to bring her checkbook & statement so we could go over it and she refuses - just wants me to help her out. I am concerned because she can't/won't explain where the money has gone - including the extra money she got for living expenses through a college loan. I told her that I would not help her out beyond what I had committed to ($150) until she gives me some explanations to where the money is going - I am on a tight budget also. Am I being unfair? She is 19 & knows it all.

No - don't believe it is drugs because where she works she has to be drug tested often (and without notice). She always passes the test.

Answer 1

Its time for some tough love. She will never learn how to live within her means if she knows that you will always be there to bail her out financially. Part of your job as a parent is to teach her how to be an adult--by bailing her out of her problems you are teaching her how to be dependent not independent. She will learn once she has to face the consequences of her actions. Though it may be hard as a parent to watch her flounder, you should let her learn from her mistakes. It will make her a stronger more productive adult in the future.

Answer 2

I don't mean to be rude but your dauhgter is using her money to buy drugs and you could give her $1,500.00 each month and she won't make it either.

She is not a baby anymore. If she wants to die in a car crash because she is too drunk to drive and too dumb to call Home James then that's her prerogative.

DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MORE MONEY.

I suggest you to contact a salesman from an Insurance Company and coordinate with him to show up at your place when she is at home and BUY LIFE INSURANCE FOR HER.

She will be surprised by this and she would ask for an explanation.

Just tell her "At least I won't have to pay for your funeral after you are dead" or something similar.

Make sure the Insurance Company actually pays you if she dies of drug overdose.

If she cannot pay her own rent then she can move back home. It's that simple. Nobody is forcing her to live on her own.

Answer 3

Put embargo - or previously reduce the 150$ until she gives you " on the table " explanations - you're not a pump - the way you manage money with children is also significant in their access to maturity

Answer 4

Of course she doesn't manage her money well if you keep bailing her out of her problems. the only way she'll learn is if you don't give her any money. I'm 19 as well and my mother never gives me money, she says that when I moved out of her house I become an adult that can't go running back to her every time I need money. And guess what? I'm surviving. I don't go out to the movies every weekend or buy useless things and i'm doing just fine.

Answer 5

Point blank she is spending it on partying and does not want you to know. But the well of mommy is aways open, let her sink for a month and wise up, it would be a lesson learned for life

Answer 6

Doesn't sound to me like you're being at all unfair. It is generous of you to help her out. She is an adult now and responsible for her own choices. It can be helpful to give her some financial assistance as she needs it IF she is trying her best and learning from her mistakes. Learning to manage one's money can be very difficult.

I have to say that it doesn't sound to me like she's much interested in learning to improve her money management skills. It's totally appropriate for you to set guidelines. Remember, your goal is to help her become independent and self-supporting, not to enable her to be irresponsible and/or a debtor.

She may just be going through growing pains, but she needs to learn you are not her personal savings & loan. She should respect you and your money. Helping her out doesn't give you a license to control and micromanage her, but you are totally within your rights to expect some information and signs of effort and improvement as guidelines for determining whether or not you will give her financial assistance in the future.

One of the most helpful things I learned to do is write down all income and expenses. Voila! No more magically disappearing money. Now when I wonder, "Where did it all go?" I can see the answer in black and white. A little here, a little there, a bill paid, a purchase of a household item, and it all adds up.

Here are some helpful money websites:
http://www.bankrate.com/
http://www.crown.org/
http://www.daveramsey.com/
http://www.debtproofliving.com/
http://www.freecycle.org/ (free used stuff)
http://www.miserlymoms.com/
http://www.oprah.com/money/debtdiet/experts/qa/debtdiet_qa_budgets.jhtml
http://www.slice.ca/Shows/ShowsPage.aspx?Title_ID=93097

As a guideline for deciding when it's appropriate to help your daughter, remember your goal is to equip, not to enable. You want to help empower her for the long run. That may mean giving her money now, when certain conditions are met, or it may mean letting her discover a real need to budget better. She can go to a church food pantry; she won't starve. There are dollar stores and thrift stores at which to shop for needed items as well. You could give her "The Starving Students' Cookbook" by Dede Hall and/or "Where's Mom Now That I Need Her?" by Kent P. Frandsen.

I will say this: your daughter may be hesitant to share her financial info with you because she fears your criticism. She's probably aware that she hasn't been as disciplined with her spending as she should have been: perhaps on fast food, clothes, movies, or some other categories.

If she is accustomed to a typical teenager's style of having money to blow on "whatever" without needing to manage responsibilities, it can take a little time to adjust to life as an independent adult. How much financial management training did she have growing up? I ask that not as a potential criticism, but merely as a point of reflection.

Good money management is a "learnable" skill, but people aren't born naturally knowing how best to manage money. Like any skill, it may come easier to some people than others, depending on their temperament, childhood background, and education. Some people have a harder time keeping track of details, for example. It doesn't mean they can't do it; it just means it doesn't come naturally for them, so they have to be more purposeful about working harder at it.

Try telling her that you will not criticize her spending habits (and keep your word) if she will go over her checkbook with you one more time. Make sure she knows how to balance it herself, and ask her what she thinks of her spending choices when she sees her expenditures divided into different categories.

Be encouraging, and encourage thought on her part. "Are you happy with how you've managed your money this month? What would you like to see yourself doing better in? How can I encourage you in your goals? What information can I provide that might be helpful? Would you be interested in taking a class offered by a local church or community organization on the topic of money management?" Etc. (That last idea is if she has time in her schedule!) And if there have been any areas in which she has improved, compliment her on her personal growth.

Hopefully it can turn out to be a win-win situation for both of you, and strengthen your relationship.

Answer 7

She knows you are a very reliable financier that's why.
Let it go and make her learn her own way.That is if you can do that.