my husband still sees his ex?

Question

after 3 years of marriage he goes to his exs house ring her txts her gives in to evey demand she make as he has 2 children to her ,he provides well for his kids he pays chil support and gives her seventy pounds a week leaving us skint we have a 2 year old who always go without so to put them first .i phoned him at work recently and the secretary said is this gill his ex , he dissapears for nights coming back with no money ,he has got me in alot of debt what should i do

Answer 1

Give him this to read:

Male Emotional Adultery Essay
When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.

My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.

Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.

Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.

Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.

In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?

If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?

What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.

The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?

Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!

This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.

Answer 2

It appears this guy doesn't realize where his responsibilities lie. You must talk to him it is hard since there are children involved but really other then picking up the kids for visits if he does that I think he need not have anything to do with her.

Maybe this is the reason he is divorced to begin with he could be cheating on you with the EX. Do not accuse him of this without absolute proof really though it is time for you to tell him that he needs to spend more time with you around your child as a couple then hanging out with his ex. This guy sounds a bit pathetic and most likely is screwing around with what you have said out all night spending lots of money
either he has a drinking problem, gambling, or he may just be spending all of his money on prostitutes. I know money is short but maybe it is time to do a little investigating of your own.

This whole scenario sounds fishy!

Good Luck and may God Bless You.

Answer 3

He's definitely up to something, but no one should play guessing games as to what it is. There's only one way to know for sure, and that's to ask him. Yes, he has responsibilities to his other children, but his main priority is you and the child you have together. He needs to understand that to be his kids' father, he needn't be his ex's husband. I hope he isn't trying to find his way back to her, by stepping on you and your son. If he is, you need to stand up to him. He is your husband, for better and for worse, and you need to make sure that you do everything you can to keep it that way. Why? So if the marriage fails, you know you did everything you could, and so will your son when he is older.

Answer 4

What you need is a good strong knife and a healthy swing, then imagine that you are chopping salami.
You should damage his manhood so that when he pees it comes out off his ar se hole instead, then set him free and see who wants him then...
You are far to good for him from the sounds of it and need to find yourselve a rich millionaire who has no baggage.
If all else fails you could always hire a hit man, i know plenty who would do it for £20 and a packet of superkings.
Anyway i am free and single and have no baggage so why not email me if you are interested, i have plenty off money and could spoil you rotten.......

Answer 5

put a stop to it straight away .Yes he has a responsibility to his other children but he also has a duty to your child why should he/she be punished .Give your husband a choice you or his ex tell him he can't have both.If he can't choose you make the decision for him take your child and make a new life for you both .Then bleed your husband dry if he can provide for them he can provide for you too

Answer 6

There are 3 things wrong. 1: leaving home with money and coming back with none 2: Staying gone all night and 3: Putting you in debt.
The first thing you need to do is ask yourself how much do you love him. The second thing you need to do is ask yourself how long are you going to put up with this. After you ask those questions you should know what to do next. Either fix or leave it alone.

Answer 7

Okay so I just have to give my two cents in here..I AM the EX.

Not his ex but somebody elses. :)

Our situation is similar and we do have a son together. He still comes over and hangs out and usually its when his girlfriend is upset or mad at him, he does it to get away. But I can assure you nothing at all sexual goes on. He would do anything for me at the drop a dime however I don't at all take advantage of it even though i do love him and wish we were together. We've tried, it does not work.

It's not me...honestly...it's him.

He's obviously got issues, I'm over it now but honestly I don't think he should be with either one of us. it's just a mess. it's already stale and seems like it should just be done with for good for him at least. Him and his girl are hanging on by a thread and i'm staying as far away as I can.

And as I read how someone else said he may have your body but she may still have his heart...well that could very much be the case. I am almost certain in our situation it is. he and I absolutely get along great however he's just not attracted to me anymore but he is attracted to his girlfriend. so that's how it works for us. it's messed up. His family even tells me. He got her pregnant too so now he has children with both of us and i think he feels stuck like he has to pick one of us or nothing I just think he is doing all he can to stay with her right now.

The fact that your man dissapears for nights is not good though. in that case i would have to say leave him. Some men just don't think with their head and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

I wouldn't put up with it but I'm not with him. I know you may love him but it seems like he's got some major issues he needs to figure out for himself. maybe all he needs is a good scare to win your heart back.

Good luck!!!!

Answer 8

Lots of people seem to do this thing where they have to have their ex`es in their lives. It`s like they can`t move on. It depends how much you love him as to what you should do. It sounds like a lot of money in child support he pays, I can imagine that leaves you skint to bring up your child. He obviously still has a lot of contact with his ex. If it`s early days since their split then maybe, he will move on, especially as your relationship grows older. Otherwise, you have to pull him into the future he has with you and your child.

Answer 9

It sounds to me like he still has something with his ex.
Speak Up! What are you waiting for?
Honestly, tell him about how you feel and question him about why he's out all night, always talking to her, and giving her everything he has.. when she's an EX.

Answer 10

make him choose between you and her. Have set times for him to see the children. hes ex does not need to be there all the time when he sees them. If he wont change leave him.