My husband has become very abusive, I would like to know how i could remedy is anger?

Question

I've been married to him for two years.
I feel trapped and ashamed that my husband hits me.
When I met him he was so gentle and kind...now i feel as if I have done something to change his character or mood.

He has been previously married and has children from this relationship. I know it hasn't been a difficult adjustment for everyone, as I'm orginally from Europe and left my family and my career behind to come to the states to be with him. It was very stressful for me at first...and also for his children.

I think it has taken a toll him, as he has told me on a few occasions that he still has wounds from his previous marriage and because i'm 15 years younger i will never understand the reltaionship he has with his ex and his children. this hurts me as i would like to be there for him, i know i won't undertand everything, i haven't been married and i don't have children. but i can listen. i want him to stop hiting me and kicking me for reasons he won't express in words.

Answer 1

There is no justification for a man to hit a woman, ever! I don't care what he's been through, he doesn't need to take it out on you. The move from Europe, leaving your family and career behind to be with him has taken a toll on you too, and he's being very selfish not to see that you've had a difficult time also. You and your husband need help, either from a counsellor or a pastor. If you choose to do nothing, hoping things will improve, then the abuse will only get worse I'm afraid. God bless you!!!

Answer 2

Dear Friend, I feel your pain. He is never going to change. These things don't just develope overnight. It has alway been there, and he was waiting to show you his true colours after the initial marriage bliss was over. Get some proffesional help. You need to report this abuse, because if you don't it will get worse. It has nothing to do with you being 15yrs younger than him, or not being previously married with children. This abusive behavior menifest from childhood. He must have been in an abusive household, where he use to see is father abuse his mother and has trainned his stupid brain to think this is normal behaviour. Get out while you can, otherwise the next time there wont be a chance. He could end up killing you for all you know. His kids are also seeing this and in their adult life will do the same thinking it is nornal behaviour since there father did it to their Step Mom. I would report it to the police, and than seek refuge with the battered womens shelters. Get a restraining order on him, and if you feel that he could be a danger to his kids as well, find out if his ex-wife is willing to fight for custody for the kids, if not take them with you and get out while you all can. Go back to Europe while you have the chance. Take it from someone who during my first 6 months of my marriage, my husband started beating me in his sleep. In the mornings he would say sorry I was having a bad dream. This went on until I had to get the guts to kick him out of my fathers house where we both lived and filed for divorse. To this day, he still beats is new wife to. At least I don't have to worry for my life any more. You mean the world to your family, if something happens to you, he is not going to lose anything, but your family will lose a very preciouse part of there life. Good Luck and keep in touch. Remember, you need to make the first move, and than the sky is the limit. I am sure you are educated and know this is not your fault, or your doing. Its high time you stand up to this beast.

Answer 3

There is no excuse on this earth for brutal spousal abuse like your husband is doing to you. You are in real danger and you should get out of this situation as soon as you can. Call the Crisis Center in your town and explain that you are being brutally physically beaten by your husband and you are very afraid that he will kill you. (Ask information). If you call the Police, it would have to be at the time your husband is beating you for them to do anything. They will arrest him and take him away. But you dear, must decide if you want to live in this hell of a marriage, or end it. Call your family in Europe secretly and let them know what is going on. If you have some money, I would leave everything behind and fly home to be with your family. This creep will eventually kill you as he is out of control. Do something now and do it fast. You do not have to endure beatings and mental abuse from this clown, especially that you do not have any children with him. He does not deserve you. Pack a bag, fly back to Europe and never look back. This marriage was a mistake and you can make a new life for yourself.

Answer 4

An abusive man will make you feel less of a person by telling you that you won't understand, when actually, all you have to do is have emotions and love to understand when others are hurting. Hurt is hurt, we don't all have to have the same experience to understand when people need love.

He is a horrible person and does not love you. It is not love or respect to harm a person both mentally and physcially. He loves the fact that your family is in the Europe, as he has full control over you and knows he can continue to be abusive to you, as he feels you have no other options.

You will not change him, you will not change his moods, he is who he is and marriage is not about change. He will probably only get worse, as you are now seeing who he truly is.

You need to listen to your gut instinct and look up the definition of love because he is only showing you abuse. He will not change, he is an abuser, he probably abused his ex and she wised up and left him. Now he is taking it out on you.

Contact your family and move back to Europe. ASAP. Sneak out one day while he is at work and never look back. If not, there are plenty of organizations in the US that support abused women. You can leave immediately. You do not need a man in the US to live a happy life. You are a strong women and you can live the American dream without him. Find help and leave him immediately. He will not change!

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Answer 5

Leave. Abusers never get any better once they have a victim in their view. It will only get worse. His abuse has nothing to do with you and you should stop thinking that it is your fault he is angry. If you don't get out now, this instant, while he is gone.......tonight may be the night that the beating goes too far and you die. It may be hard and you may need to find a shelter for battered women and children (they will not tell him where you are). You also need to have pictures of your wounds and bruises to help push the divorce. In the end, you will be better off and alive. You also don't want to end up with a child brought into the equation. You don't want someone like that in your life forever do you?

Answer 6

I am sorry but physical abuse is a deal-breaker. He either gets help or you have to leave, no question about it. Or else be armed with a cast iron skillet and some hot grease next time he feels like using you as a personal punching bag. I know someone who hoisted and hurled and entire Christmas tree, ornaments included, at an abusive ex. Note I said "ex." It was a very liberating experience for her, and one I secretly chortle at when I think of him being on the receiving end of her Yule Tide cheer. I only wish she could have wedged the tree up his a$$ instead.

Answer 7

from a male stand point, i say leave now.

What kind of man would hit a woman anyway.

I have never hit my wife, and never will but think about this. If i were to hit my wife there is nothing she could do physicaly to stop me. it would be easy to do because I am so much stronger than she is. what is so greaty about a man who hits someone who cannot fight back. if your husband wants to hit someone have him come talk to me and try to hit me, I have news for him I will hit back.

Now you might not be able to hit him back, but there people who can, they are called the police. everyone who who has answered this question says leave, and i will say the same thing leave and now. call the police, call a womans shelter. Do not stay another day with this man.

here is a phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

some things to think about
The FBI reports that between 1976 and 1996, domestic violence claims the lives of more than four women each day.

Approximately 40-50% of female victims are physically injured when assaulted by their intimate partner, accounting for over 200,000 visits to the hospital emergency room each year.

Domestic violence is both a national and a worldwide crisis. According to a 2000 UNICEF study, 20-50% of the female population of the world will become the victims of domestic violence.

Answer 8

There is nothing for you to remedy... you have to leave now before he hurts you badly!! The only reason that you should feel ashamed is because you stay with him. It's not your fault he hits you... it's HIS PROBLEM! If you stay, he will continue to hit you. It is a possibility that he hit his other wife too. Most abusers tend to be kind at first cause they can't show you their "real self" until they feel like they have you forever under their control otherwise you would never have married him in the first place. For your own safety, PLEASE LEAVE HIM. You have done nothing wrong! Just get out before it gets bad. By staying, you are telling him that it's ok to hit you and it's not going to change.

Answer 9

You must not let him hit you ever again! Once the abuse start it will get worse.The past is past,his relationship is with you right now,and the abuse must STOP.You look him right in the eye and tell him it stops today!You make preparations to leave him,just in case you have to .Let him know that you will take legal action against him if necessary .No man that truly Loves his wife beats her,right now he is a gutless bully.He is a coward and you must stand up to him. This HOW you stop the abuse.My mother once told my Dad after he made the mistake of hitting her out of anger"You have to go to sleep sometime" and he NEVER hit her again,he knew exactly what she meant!

Answer 10

You are trying to rationalize the behavior of an abuser. Many men and women have previous relationships with children, but they know how to conduct themselves. He either gets anger management therapy and quits using you as a punching bag, or you go home to your family in Europe.