How do you get your self esteem and respect back after your spouse leaves you?

Question

I have 3 kids and I work full-time, 60-70 hours a week,12 hours a day. I still manage to keep up with my hair, make-up and nails. I try to look decent atleast...

I have known that I had low to no self esteem for awhile now, but it has gotten worse. My husband left me about a month ago. When we were together my husband didnt show my alot of affection and sometimes wouldnt even want to have sex with me - and that made me feel unattractive and hideous. Even though he would say it wasn't about me, it felt that way. Now he is seeing a woman that is not the least bit attractive...from the craters in her face to her teeth all messed up. That has only made me feel worse.

All my friends tell me that I am beautiful, but thats what friends are supposed to tell you. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get my self esteem up?

Answer 1

You have put to much emphasis on what your husband thinks about you. You gave him too much power. Now it's time to take it back. Tell yourself every single day how beautiful you are. Really, you may think this is weird, but it works. Take a pen and paper and write down all the wonderful things about yourself. Really look at yourself. Even write down what your friends are telling you, they're not lying to you, they really mean what they say.

People tend to dwell on the negative. You need to change that on a personal level. You have children, listen to what they tell you, I am positive that they think you are the most beautiful woman on this earth. Believe it, you are. Do positive things with yourself and your kids. Surround yourself with positive people. Do things that make you laugh. Go out with friends. Girl, have a ball.

Don't dwell on how your husband made you feel. Or what he is doing now and how he left you for a crater-faced crackhead,lol. That's his problem. You are now free to explore what is out there. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! When someone gives you that compliment, say, thank you very much, smile and walk away with a pep to your step.

Answer 2

I suppose it doesn't help to say "It's going to be a long process"

A quick fix would be to go on holiday. Sometimes when everything seems to be going against you, you just need a break and get out of the country. Or you can even stay in England. There are loads of beautiful places in England you can visit.

Aside from anything else, I think you know that you are not the elephant woman. You're not covered in slime and tell children to stay away from your bridge.

But then again, you're not a super model as well. Believe it or not, that's not a bad thing. Personally I'd prefer to eat my cake, not throw it up.

Okay this guy didn't like you in the end. Fair enough. And some might say that a month is too soon to start thinking of getting back up (especially after you've been with the guy for so long), but the fact that you have asked the question shows that you're willing and able to change and you know that something is wrong.

He might have not liked you in the end, but the good thing about going on holiday and seeing new sights is that you're going outside of the norm, and you're seeing that the world is actually huge! There is so much opportuinity out there and so much you haven't seen, that it'll finally sink in and you'll learn that this guy was an important part of your life. But there's so many other things that can become something new and exciting!

And hey, if you do find someone new out there that you really like, keep a net or tranquiliser darts with you. God forbid he'd go out with someone unattractive. You'll have to nab him first!

Answer 3

Many times a woman's self-esteem has been so beaten down that by the time the husband walks out, she can't remember what it's like to feel worthwhile. When my preacher husband left, most people assumed rev. perfect had to be the injured party. I could count all the friends I had left on one hand and have two fingers left. I worked hard, raised my children, and continued to love the Lord. I made do with very little and eventually relocated in another state. That was the best thing I ever did! I changed professions (second best thing I did), built a wonderful support group of family and friends, got my self-esteem back, and have gone on to have a wonderful life!!!
One month is a very short time. I didn't even function well for six months. You're still grieving the loss of a relationship, even if you're glad HE is gone. Give yourself time! Recovery such as this is a journey. Before you climb a mountain, you must pull yourself out of the ditch he threw you into. You can do it! You will do it! I'll pray for you.
God bless!

Answer 4

Perhaps the best thing might be to start reading books that help you to raise your self esteem - I will give you a link to one - and write down all the good qualities about yourself. You may find tht because he left you, you are concentrating upon the negative things and forgetting the good things about yourself that should raise your self esteem. Some of your low self esteem may be the way he treated you when you were together and now that he is gone, the list you make of your good qualities may be enough to help you recover your self esteem. I assume tt you have at least one day a week off so it you can get someone to care for the kids, go out with your friends and the number of guys who try to hit on you may also raise your self esteem but don't rush into another relationship too fast. Good luck to you!!

Answer 5

You must force yourself to stop comparing yourself to the other woman. She should not be proud of herself, nor should your husband.

You, on the other hand, can develop new interests and friends. You must realize that this is a transition in your life which is very difficult, yet spurs personal growth toward something better.

One thing you might find useful is envisioning yourself happy and in new life interests. Make a positive journal and speak positively to yourself (even in the mirror) several times a day. Compliment yourself on your strength and character. This will evenually have a positive impact on your esteem.

This marital issue is probably more about his needs or his emptiness - not about any of your so-called imperfections.

Perhaps with some counseling and discovery you can both at least find out what went off the rails. If nothing else, you may have to learn to deal with this on a civil basis.

You never know what's around the corner in your life, prepare yourself, have fun, laugh and immerse yourself in new activities.

The rest will come when it's time. Best wishes to you.

Answer 6

I don't think you lost your self-esteem. You are a mom with three kids and you work full time. Imagine being at work 12 hours a day and you get to complete a 60-hour week. Then you keep up with your hair, make-up and nails. That's a lot. It shows the kind of person you are. You have self-esteem.

Persons who undergo a very trying situation would feel they lost self-esteem. This stems from what we acquired as learned helplessness. We blame ourselves directly or indirectly for what happened. Or at least wonder what it is we did to merit such an unfortunate circumstance.

One trait that distinguishes successful people, of which you are one of them, is that they take charge of their themselves and their lives after a trying circumstance. You have already taken charge of your life being both a working mom and a professional. Just continue doing this. Move on.

Answer 7

Self esteem isn't about beauty. Maybe you were partially to blame for your husband leaving, maybe you weren't, it doesn't matter now it's happened. Make time to see a counselor to help you work through your issues. It sounds to me like you have a lot on the ball if you're working 60-70 hours a week and raising 3 children, that takes a lot of courage and energy. Good luck.

Answer 8

First of all you have three children to care for and you work everyday . your husband left you and now your all alone with the kids day in and day out. Your husband didn't treat you the way a woman wants To be treated so you thought you were unattractive. First of all you are your own person and no one can stop you from being yourself but you. Stop thinking about what your husband is doing and start thinking about how you are going to make it. put your faith in god and he will give you the strength you need. stop looking back and began to look forward.

best of luck

Answer 9

You have accomplished a lot - three kids and a job that demands that much attention are nothing to sneeze at. Do your best to walk away from the person in your past who didn't see value in you - one person's opinion shouldn't hold sway over your own. And no, friends aren't supposed to tell you anything but the truth - if they are lying, they aren't friends. Take a good hard look in the mirror and realize you are not only accomplishing a lot, but you are giving to other people as well - through raising children, holding down a demanding job, and having friends.

Answer 10

that is a tough thing, yes your hubby left you. it sounds to me that you put your self value into what your hubby thought.

just through this question, i see a dedicated hard working person that feels a need to insure that her family is taken care of. what did i see that was missing is a sense of self. love yourself, after all you will be there together for a long time. the things that others think of you is absolutely unimportant. i know that it may seem hard to love yourself, but, it is the best thing that you can do. i walked that road. it was a hard climb back but when i discovered that i was worth it, and that i had a say in how i wanted things, my life became wonderful and meaningful. how to start is a tricky thing. first, each day discover a new thing about yourself that you like. ( i am a good mother; or i have a cute nose, or i clean up after myself i am a safe driver) this sounds stupid i know, but it works. you will like EVERY part of you down the road. and that which you don't like change, like i don't like the way i drive to work, pick a different route. sounds simple and it is. although don't find your self worth in anyone or anything. don't attach your value to a person, it is yours and it is yours to have full control over.

hint; until you think you are beautiful, you never can be, regardless of what others tell you, after all beauty is not physical

oh, it is hard, but don't dwell upon the roads that others are taking, it distracts you from you and your path.