Am I unfair to my husband?

Question

I have an female enemy who started working at my husband's place of employment. She pumped a friend of mine to find out where he was working, and then, bam, she ends up working at his place of employment. I was not aware of her working there until another friend informed me. My husband did not tell me about it. When I asked why he hadn't told me, he got very defensive and talked to me very mean. To be fair, his mother had been in a car wreck at the same time I confronted him, and he said that is why he was mean to me. However, he's done some very questionable acts since my "enemy" has came into our lives and we have gotten into some very vicious fights. He has put his hands around my throat twice, but did not squeeze tight---just threatened and said he would like to. He's bruised my sides from squeezing me when I try to leave. The entire time we dated I did not see this behavior, but in all honesty, it all started when she came into our lives. (cont'd--read additional details)

He says I am not stable and I need to see a psychiatrist. I did. I don't want to be unfair, and if I need help I want to get it. My psychiatrist told me to focus on myself that there is no sure fire way of knowing if he's interested or not unless I have concrete proof. He begs me when I threaten divorce, but I can't go on like this. I also think if it wasn't for me, my "enemy" wouldn't find him as enticing, and I honestly think he knows this as well. What do you think guys?

Also, I got a very good evaluation from my psychiatrist. She thought I was a very rational person, and I didn't even tell her about the violent behavior. I didn't want to make him look bad. I truly wanted to see if I was the problem.

DMH10: The reason I consider I say enemy is she thinks I broke up her and this guy she's crazy about up. I dated this guy almost ten years ago, and she started seeing him around four years ago, but it didnt' last two weeks. She blamed me for some reason, and I didn't even like him anymore. She's started copying everything I do and, now, she's after everybody I have a relationship with. I laughed at her previous attempts, but this one isn't funny. She's turned this one's head and he's my husband. I am not jealous of her. I wish her the best, but with her OWN life, not mine.

Answer 1

I think this is seriously messed up.

First, this "enemy" of yours is taking up WAY too much of your time and energy. She is also sounding pretty dangerous if she's stalking you like this.

Second, I don't care what the circumstances are... HE TRIED TO CHOKE YOU. There is NO excuse for that at all. He has threatened your life and physically hurt you, then said that you need help. You may need help, but it's to get out of that relationship.

Third, stop "threatening" divorce and do it. You should never threaten something like that. Every time you do, he begs you to stay, and you do, you ruin that much more of your credibility and prove you can be manipulated.

EDIT: I read your next comments. You didn't want him to "look bad" so you didn't tell your psychiatrist? Stop protecting him. Tell your psychiatrist what's going on and let him or her help you. They can't do anything if you don't tell them what's going on. I'm sure if they're worth their degree, they will tell you to get out of there!

Answer 2

Whatever the reason ,you feel you cannot trust your husband. Without trust there is nothing. If you cannot get past this to work on your marriage then it is over. If you have evidence that he surely is involved with this woman, then leave him. Just because you never saw the abusive behavior before does not mean it was not there just under the surface. Now that it has been let loose..you will see it more and more. And the fact that you let it go?...You just signed his permission slip honey. In my opinion, I think you need to stop with the threats and leave. Get away for awhile. Go on a vacation by yourself, go to a friend or family members house in another state for 2 weeks and relax. Get away from the drama and think it through. Then see how you feel when you come back. If you are still feeling jealous and desperate, time to go. If you see proof?...time to go. If he is still abusive?..time to go. Also, I would think very hard about the abuse. It isn't so awful bad right now because it just started. The way that works is..you accepeted it this time..so next time it will be a little worse and a litle more..he will add new things to the list of allowences. Good Luck!

Answer 3

What you describe is domestic violence. Your husband needs anger management classes. I say go with your gut instinct. It very often is right. Hire a private detective and have him and your enemy investigated. Keep a close eye on bank accounts, phone records and his computer site.

Guilty people get the most angry when confronted. I'd say they are having an affair and that would explain the strange behavior.

Does the friend that told you, your enemy works there now, work at the same place? Have that friend observe their behavior if so.

If you want to leave, do it when he is at work. He should not put his hands on you to stop you from leaving, that is against the law. Also putting his hands around your neck and threatening you is wrong. Don't let him treat you that way anymore.

Answer 4

There's no need for violence, no matter what flaws you may or may not have. If he's harming you, you cannot stay with him, until he deals with his issues. There may very well be a problem with your jealousy though. Has he cheated on you in the past or with anybody else? If he's a faithful person, you shouldn't let your "enemy" come between you and your husband. If he really loves you, her at his job won't cause him to stray. If he does have a past of cheating, and especially if he has a past of any violent behavior, I'd suggest taking a break from your relationship until he can figure himself out and you can deal with yourself for awhile. Whether that means it's ending indefinitely, we won't know, but it's the most healthy alternative, if the relationship is indeed that unhealthy. If you'd like to talk more, I'd be happy to work with you on this. Just send me an e-mail or we could talk through an instant messenger. Let me know. I'd love nothing more than to help.

Heath

Answer 5

Well my first question would be why is she your enemy in the first place? Second, If there is really noticable changes in your husbands behavior since shes been on the scene and he never told you about her being there... I'd say its a little questionable. Do you feel unstable like he says? You also have to take into consideration how he reacts now when you bring it up. His mother being in a car wreck may or may not be an excuse for feeling guilty, because usually when a man, or woman is lying, they tend to get offensive and angry. Just a defense mechanism. I hope you work things out, But think about things honestly with yourself.

Answer 6

If there has been a physical abuse better keep a record of it - have your bruises examined and get a hospital report. This act could get worse if he can not control himself.
On the other hand, you must find a suitable time and when husband is in good mood to talk about your uneasiness with your female enemy. Do not let her destroy your marriage. Be calm and speak in a non-confronting way with your husband. Last but not least, why does your husband acting violently to you? Is it that you provoke him, or he has something in him that bothers him that you need to uncover and talk about?
Answer these questions yourself and you will see it better where your relationship is headed.

Answer 7

You are not the problem. Your husband is in a terrible delema. He is being torn asunder by the conflict within him.
That is why the violent behavior. If your enemy wins you lose your husband. Don't question him anymore. If you want to fight for him met him at the door with just your robe on and show him what he stands to lose. Fight fire with fire. Just be prepared for single status if you lose. After all she's had a head start into your territory.

Answer 8

Firstly, there is never any reason for any person to lay hands on another, especially threatening to choke you or leaving bruises. This is not normal behavior.

Secondly, you do not state why she is your "enemy." From personal experience, my husband "was mean to me" and what I found out was not good. I won't go into details, but we have managed to work it out.

Best bet, keep your mouth shut and your ears open, you will be surprised at what you can learn that way.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

First, forget the enemy and focus on your relationship. If your relationship is strong, she is powerless against you. Since you have no concrete proof of anything, you have to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. A marriage without trust is worthless.

Your husband's acts of threatening harm to you however are unacceptable. Tell him you want to work on your suspiciousness and you want him to work on his temper. Ask him to join you in counseling. Together you may be able to work this out. And if you guys are strong in your relationship, this "enemy" can do nothing to you.

Answer 10

Did you ever think that the reason he didn't say anything about her working there is because he knows you hate her and would stress out about it. Maybe he doesn't know you hate her and didn't know she existed. Either way, what is he supposed to do? Quit his job because an enemy of yours got hired.

On the other hand if he physically abuses you I would get the hell away. Blaming your enemy for his abusive behavior is going to get you killed someday.