My heart is broken
I thought we could move past what was tried to be forgotten
But the pain lives on inside of me
This was not how my life with you was suppose to be
Given her what was promised to me amd me alone
But you put our promise aside for one night of pleasure with the unknown
That pain will never be forgotten, it is etched in my heart
Everyday it will slowly tear my soul apart
You was the man that my heart adored
I have never felt this kind of ache before
The thought of your body against another's was my worst fear
But the truth that our vows were lies has appeared
Our trust, our love, our life has been lost
Was her touch worth everything it cost
Absence will cure a broken heart, as some teach
But how to find the courage to leave is no where in arms reach
2007-10-28 03:55:58 · 23 answers · asked by Misused 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
yes, just wrote it
2007-10-28 03:59:14 · update #1
i like it. but at the same time, i felt hurt reading it.
It's not that it's a bad poem; it's pretty nice... but for some reason.. the simplicity in your words gave a clearer path for me to walk through as i read this poem, which is why it got to me.... Maybe the shorter version of what i said was that it was moving... but i just had to tell you how. :)_
Did this really happen to you? I am very sorry if it did...
2007-10-28 04:21:19 · answer #1 · answered by Rogee 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay I will level with you.
While intensely personal, it needs work.
"What was tried to be forgotten" is written in a weird 3rd person view. It shouldn't be. Consider "I tried to forget."
"My life with you was suppose to be" - that's "supposed."
"Given her what was promised to me amd me alone" - do you mean "giving her"?
"That pain will never be forgotten, it is etched in my heart" - use a semicolon here, as in, "That pain will never be forgotten; it is etched in my heart."
"Everyday it will slowly tear my soul apart." Wrong "everyday" - "everyday" is a synonym for "common" or "usual", while "every day" means it will hurt every single day.
"You was the man that my heart adored" - should be "you were the man".
"the courage to leave is no where in arms reach" - switch to "nowhere" and "arm's."
Also, you use an a-b-a-b rhyming scheme (alone/unknown, heart/apart) EXCEPT FOR the first couplet. Any reason why?
Sorry about the pain, by the way.
2007-10-28 04:08:47 · answer #2 · answered by filthy_crumb 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's really good. I can relate to it. The pain and emotions. I find that writing helps. I just had by heart broken too and I think it is time to write again. Keep it up!!!
2007-10-28 05:27:15 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, I guess it's ok. I am not much into that kind of stuff. It makes a lot more sense than some poems I have read even though I haven't read all that many. I am sure a real poem lover would appreciate it. (smile)
2007-10-28 04:03:58 · answer #4 · answered by Fergy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not bad really as heart break poetry goes, but a few words really need to go. change was to were the man my heart adored, and the thought of your body pressing anothers...my worst fear. Hey go post it on poetry.com
2007-10-28 04:11:58 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is a great poem it sounds like you are venting your feelings and if that helps keep the beautiful things from your heart coming.
2007-10-28 04:05:23 · answer #6 · answered by sparky75us 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's raw...you can whittle that down to be really nice, but that's not what's bothering you right now, so the poem can wait. It's good that you got all of that down on paper, because it'll help you heal. (By the way, that formfitting outfit is slamming!) I hope you feel better soon.
2007-10-28 04:05:18 · answer #7 · answered by Captain S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really good content, but the number of syllables per line is too unpredictable; so it doesnt really flow.
2007-10-28 04:01:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
UH YA it kinda sounds like a song....if u sing then u need to record that be4 sum1 steals it! GOOD LUCK!
2007-10-28 04:00:33 · answer #9 · answered by liil mis sunshine? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At least yours rhymes. You have a problem with stanza and meter. I could feel your pain though.
2007-10-28 04:01:21 · answer #10 · answered by darkdiva 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋