he was in a motorcycle accident. he was only 27yrs old. he is actually my ex boyfriend and like one of the family. he was very very close to my 3 boys, ages 6,5,and 3. we stayed like best friends even after our sexual relationship was over. now he is dead and I can't stop thinking about him. and I am so mad at him b/c he wasn't wearing his helmet and was drinking.
my question is, how can I stop thinking about him? how can I get over being mad at him? and should I tell my children? how do I tell them something like that! ugh!! I am sooo sad!
2007-10-28 03:07:11 · 13 answers · asked by gretch 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Give it a few days to tell your children. Wait until you are a little less in shock. I'm SO sorry this happened. My stepdad died on a motorcycle at the very same age. Motorcycles are dangerous even when you are sober and wearing a helmet. I believe that everyone has a set time when they are supposed to die, because I believe in God,and I think he has that sort of thing planned as part of the plan for our lives. When our time of learning and doing on this earth is over, we go. Kinda like "final destination". So don't be mad at your friend, chances are, he would have died anyway, even if he was crossing the stree on foot. You can't think about "how could this have been prevented", it will only drive you crazy. Our brains want to go back and prevent it because of the denial. It was his time, not his fault.
It's going to be a while before you stop thinking about him, but it will come. Stay busy, don't disrupt your life or routine. It's the best way to accomplish this, I promise. But let yourself grieve. It's only been a day, of course your mind will think of little else.
When you tell your kids, just be honest and give them lots of hugs. The younger two might not fully grasp the concept, but this is probably a good thing. Good luck and lotsa love xxx.
2007-10-28 03:12:22 · answer #1 · answered by Mrs. Eric Cartman 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well It is his own fault for the stupid accident. But It was only yesterday, you are entitled to mourn the loss of your friend. It will get better in time. I don't really think your boys are old enough to know details of his accident, and they might not be mature enough to understand, so I would still tell them that your friend is no longer here. It will be easier for you to mourn if your children know whats going on. It is your decision if you think your children should go to the funeral. Usually at such a young age if they are not a grandparent or immediate family member parents decide not to let them go. I had lost a grandpa about 5 years ago, after the first week It got better, you just come to reality that it was there time to go. A bad accident sucks even when you find out that it could have been avoided. But you cant change the past. Just be there for your self, your children, and his family. Share good times that always makes people feel better.
2007-10-28 03:16:45 · answer #2 · answered by lilmissnippy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hi,
I'm very sorry to hear that you lost someone so important in your life. It's also sad that he took such a risk with his life. It's normal to be upset and sad at the loss, so don't feel you need to forget him. Think of the good times you had together, and thank God you had those times with him. After awhile the hurt will heal, and the anger will pass. As for telling you children, do you think this will somehow help? Maybe you should wait to do that. And if and when you do maybe it would be a good time to discuss the problems with drinking and driving. Even kids can understand that certain choices can be bad, and your ex made a bad choice, and the results were tragic. I'm sure your anger is the fact that it was so unnecessary.
2007-10-28 03:19:20 · answer #3 · answered by skiingstowe 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'm sorry for your loss Gretchen. I don't think you'll ever stop thinking about him...if you really loved him, then you'll always keep him in your heart. Would you want to be forgotten after you're gone? I mean, there might come a time when you've cried enough, and you can't squeeze one more tear out. You may wake up one morning and won't be able to remember what he looks like...but I think that would be a shame. I would want to hold on to it all, especially since he was a good friend to you. As far as being mad...you might feel that way for a while. You're mad for the obvious reasons, he was irresponsible about drinking and not wearing a helmet, but you're also mad because he left you and worse of all, he (and you) weren't given a choice about it. It's a tragic loss for you and his family...and whether you tell your boys is only your decision. If they were mine, I'd tell them...but then again, I don't have kids of my own. It might be obvious to them that you're upset, and ...they might notice that he's suddenly not around, esp. if you two hung out a lot.
I hope you find the peace you're looking for, I'm afraid this is one of those situations where "time heals all wounds" really does apply.
2007-10-28 03:31:00 · answer #4 · answered by L.A. Angel 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sad that it had to happen but it did none the less. Grieve this loss and eventually you will feel comfortable once again. Naturally he will continue to pop into your memory every once and while after grieving process is done. But attempt to think nice things and remember the good times you two shared. As for the kids it would probably be best to tell them the truth and that he won't be around any more due to having a bad accident. They are going to hear you talking about this death with friends and regardless how careful you are they will catch on and be angry that you didn't share this news with them also. Death is an awful thing to have to deal with, especially at your children's ages but something we all have to do at one time of other throughout our lives. Fact that he wasn't actually a family member should be a little bit easier on them. Sorry to hear about this loss in your life.
2007-10-28 03:16:25 · answer #5 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'm so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathy. My son was killed in a car accident 6 months ago, he was 24.
You can't just turn off thinking about him. It's only natural that you will feel many different emotions over the next few weeks and months. I felt angry as well, I've cried, I've cursed, I've yelled and I've been terribly sad, but the thing that has stayed with me is the good memories and the love for my son. It will take time and the time will be what is right for you, not some timetable. Just remember that whatever you are feeling at any time is the right feeling for you. I have tried to keep my sons memory with me at all times, whereas his fiancee has tried to move on and put the tragedy behind her. Neither response is right or wrong, they are simply what is. Trust yourself, trust your feelings.
As for telling your children, you are the only one who can make that call. You know them better than anyone. As I said before, trust yourself and your feelings. They will generally be right.
I wish you all the best and hope you can remember the love and happiness your friend brought to your life.
2007-10-28 03:24:01 · answer #6 · answered by russj 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am very sorry for your loss. I have lost many friends and relatives over the years. Each one being a hard experience to go through. You must believe me when I say time will help heal the wound of your loss. You will always remember him, as I do those I have lost. In time though the pain shall become less. As for your children, be honest with them. You may even wait until one of them asks about your friend.
2007-10-28 03:14:03 · answer #7 · answered by aswkingfish 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
when someone close dies, u will be going through a grief process, first denial, than anger at the person for not thinking and putting their self in harms way. theres really no way to get past the thinking that comes after a tragedy such as this. go to grief therapy where there will be others like yourself who are suffering, u need support during this time. u will think about him for a long time and miss him, grief is something that doesn't immediately leave u. also when our heart is broken there is one who promises to never leave us, get in touch with Jesus, who knows our hearts, and our grief. so sorry for your loss, i list my dad in may to a horrific auto accident, i kept asking myself why did dad have to die, well we will not know these answers until we get to heaven and find out. some things in life make no sense at all.
2007-10-28 03:15:53 · answer #8 · answered by jude 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you must go through the grief process in order to heal... as for your boys seek school counseling on how to tell your 6/5 yr old as for the baby at 3 he will not comprehend death{i would not say anything to him}... there are 5 stages of grief.....1} Denial, 2}anger ,3}bargaining ,4}Depression ,5}acceptance. best wishes......
2007-10-28 03:39:47 · answer #9 · answered by MJ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
JUST A SUGGESTION:
1. forgive him-it is understandable for you to get mad at him because you care for him. you have a really healthy relationship wiht him, and he is considered a member of the family. you cannot just forget him in an instant.so..
2. pray for him- i guess you are in shock because you used to have the chance to hear his voice, or even touch him. but now, he is gone.
3. be creative- you dont have to tell the horrid details of how he had an accident. you just tell them he is in a better place.....
2007-10-28 03:16:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋