gambling, lying but otherwise very nice person?
Also won't get help, says I have a problem (yeah actually dealing with things can make a person appear that way) breath smells like ammonia (metallic, egg) yesterdays beer coming out of pores etc etc
Can't hardly take it anymore but we are married and have a home and a son that adores us both, and our son is bipolar.
My son begged me not to kick him out. He is not physically abusive. He's passive aggressive.
2007-10-28 01:55:06 · 21 answers · asked by Rachel☺ 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
TO JADEY OZ, big deal, I posted it again a day later, I wanted input from either more people and all the posts here (except for yours) helped me even more than the first one. They are giving me the strength and determination to make this hard decision.
TO FILTHY--you are wrong. Your post helped me a lot. I didn't want anyone to hold my hand. I got what I needed. Thanks
2007-10-28 08:18:06 · update #1
No matter if he likes it or not: get help.
If he doesn't want to accept teh help, kick him to the curb, so he'll know you're serious. I know it will hurt your sons feelings, but in the long run he'll see that that might be the only way to get your husband to understand that he needs help.
Your family physician might be able to tell you were you can get the help you need for the physical problems (the alcohol abuse), your priest or a shrink can give you and your husband counselling to resolve the passive aggressiveness on your husbands part, and your inability to cope with his abuse dependency and possible co-dependency. He/she can also do some serious marriage counselling, because it sounds like trust and communication between the two of you has broken down.
2007-10-28 02:02:28 · answer #1 · answered by pete_can_do 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Man, can you pick 'em!
By the way, how can any pot smoking alkie act superior?
He's passive-aggressive, and you are spineless and enabling.
It's a toxic combo.
Words mean nothing to him. Only actions.
Until you take action and leave, for good, forever, then you are the $1.99 doormat he uses to scrape the sh*t off his shoes with.
But this is Yahoo Answers where people don't really want answers - they want hand-holding and "well, talk to him about how you *feel*" and "takecareGodblessitwillworkout" so you'll most likely never change.
2007-10-28 03:35:28 · answer #2 · answered by filthy_crumb 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My situations a little different from yours, and it still needs work on it, but here's how I'm dealing with it so far.
I had to get to the point where I didn't care any more about any thing and any one after my mother passed away, and I threatened to leave my husband and let him know a few times that the choice was really up to him (he did not take it well at first, he went off) if he didn't get any help (to stop abusing me not to continue it like he had been doing) and I had to be convincing enough, and at this point I was pretty much gone myself and meant it. He had tried to get help for abusing me before but blamed me and got help from others enabling his mistreatment as well as insisting that I be the one to do medications but that even if I did meds to make me happy he would not stop the abuse. I also took him to court, got a restraining order, but the judge refused to order him to get the mental help he really needed. He had gotten help to continue the abuse because he convinced others of his lies and excuses. He is currently on medications and I am still trying to get him to get them adjusted and changed. Your husband sounds like he needs a serious evaluation and a diagnosis (and maybe more than one because of the addictions). He has to not only admit he has a problem but also be able to accept that and willingly get help. Letting him know you will leave (and following through on it) can be a kick in the rear to motivate him to get the help he really needs. If your son is bipolar, your husband could be too, amongst other things. If he has bipolar or other disorders, these disorders could be driving him to do the alcohol, drugs, and other stuff to supposedly calm himself down more and not have the mood swings by self medicating. Also you might want to get other tests done too and counseling for the whole family. If no one else goes, you can go for yourself, and hope to figure out from that what you really want to do and should do. When you get to the point where "Can't hardly take it anymore but we are married and have a home and a son that adores us both, and our son is bipolar" becomes a "Can't take it anymore, get help, take it or leave it" without the excuses or reasons for staying with him, and he realizes you mean business and are not going to put up with his blaming you, then he may be ready for change, and if not, then at least you can work on taking care of yourself and getting into a better situation where you won't feel so miserable until he hopefully comes to his senses.
Take people's advice to go to alanon. If he is mentally or verbally abusing you, you might be able to qualify for free counseling by the domestic abuse. From experience, verbal abuse can become accompanied by physical, and can even happen to really smart women. If he sees you doing all this, he may be wondering what's up and get help to change himself too.
Even if this marriage does not work out, if you want to get married again or heal yourself and stay single, you still need counseling for yourself so you can start to become a whole person without him and get the healing you need.
2007-10-28 07:30:07 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
So kick him out already.
By allowing this relationship to continue, you are saying to your son that it is okay to be an alcoholic, passive aggressive, holier-than-thou, pot smoker, and gambler. Is this really the message that you want your son to learn? That marriages like this are okay?
Let it go already. Tell your son this is not healthy. This is not a marriage.
Your son can still maintain a relationship with his father, even if you are not married to his father. But get out of the marriage now.
2007-10-28 02:05:05 · answer #4 · answered by Suz123 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
so what's the nice part? Physical abuse ain't the only form of abuse. If you have the option of kicking him out, then its likely that you're also picking up the bills. Since your son is so attached to daddy, give him the option of making sure daddy gets help and straightens up in arealistic time frame. If he daddy doesn't, kick him out anyway
If son doesn't like that, he should be free to leave with his dad even if he's a minor; daddy should be able to look after him. If he isn't a minor, all for the better; then he can look after himself and daddy too if it's neccessary.
For your sake, I hope it isn't a case of 'like father, like son.' You are th victim here so don't let anyone make you feel gulty for doing what is in the interest of your welfare.
And you should see disappearing acts(Wesley Snipes).
I wish you the best and I hope it all worksout in the end.
2007-10-28 02:10:37 · answer #5 · answered by dVine 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
My exhusband was a lot like you describe and obvioulsy by the ex in front of husband I did kick him out and while it upset my kids at first they have adjusted well now and have grown quite a bit inthe five years since the divorce now unfortunately they have to deal with their stepmom and daddy fighting which is why we divorced to begin with I have always believed it is better to divorce then it is to stay together for the kids and fight constantly. HAppy parents make happy kids. Good luck in which ever you choose to do.
2007-10-28 02:03:49 · answer #6 · answered by Crystal B 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes, I know exactly what that's like. I also know what its like to be an enabler and a codependent. Reread your first sentence and apply it to someone you don't love. How can a nice person be a drunk, passive aggressive, a druggie, gambling liar and be arrogant enough to be holier than thou? Drunks are selfish, they will do anything and everything to sustain their habit and your husband is now a monster, not a nice guy.
You can't do a thing to change him or make him help himself. Nothing, you have no control over him. However you can do alot to help yourself and your son. Start with Alanon. You will find people who live the same life you do, and the tools to help you keep from drowning in the mire of his life.
My personal advice, as the wife who had to put my husband out when he finally hit bottom(lost jobs to booze, black outs, financial devastation, alienation of his daughters, 6 DWI, liver failure, real posibility of prison) is to not wait.
He is physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically abusive. His whole interaction with you starts with him ripping your heart out and stomping all over it. He's killing himself and your family with not one shred of regard for you and your son. You can't tell me that his drinking didn't contribute to your son's mental illness, its sure doesn't help it.
Tell him he has a choice. He checks in for detox and then attends AA, or he loses his family until he does. Then get the backbone it takes to protect yourself and your family. And make sure you are getting help yourself from Alanon and probably counseling.
You aren't responsible for his compulsions. Its not your fault that he drinks and does the other things he does. His actions belong to him alone. You can't fix him. You can't change him. And it will get worse, you haven't seen anything yet. He is a monster, not a nice guy.
It took me 30 years to do what I should have done the moment he pulled out a joint and smoked in the room our newborn twins slept in. I should have done it when I had to have friends pick him up out of his desk chair and put him in my car because he had black out at work, again. I should have done it the night he was woken from a drunken stupor and attacked our daughter and we had to barracade ourselfs upstairs(he had never laid a hand on anyone before, ever), I should have done it when the water, the electricity and the gas was turned off because he didn't pay them and had drunk the money away, and more importantly I should have done it instead of hiding and protecting the monster in my home because I loved him more than he loved himself or anything else but his booze and drugs.
But I didn't for the same reason you are saying her, because really he's a nice guy. Just ask any of his friends and my family. Don't ask me or his daughters.
My ex has been sober now for 4years. He finally found the strength to pull himself up out of the abyss of his life and through AA is living one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. He's working a job he loves, and living a life in another state where he has AA friends and a normal life. He recently had the strength to be responsible for making the decision to put the elderly family dog down. Not an easy thing, but he coped with other tools than booze.
You see, he really is a nice guy who is always gong to have to hold his monster at bay.
Someone once told me that living with a drunk is like ignoring the elephant in the living room. You can walk around it all you want, but its not going anyplace and its taking up alot of room. You have to do whats right for your family, and it doesn't sound like you are ready to take responsibility for your part in this and move forward. So I really hope you will go to Alanon and find strength there. Best wishes.
2007-10-28 02:51:02 · answer #7 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A child will do just about anything to keep a family together. However you have to ask yourself what is this marriage doing to you. Are you happy and is your husband a good influence on your child.Only you can answer that. Just be honest with yourself.Your husband does not sound like a nice person to me. Good luck.
2007-10-28 02:07:46 · answer #8 · answered by Julius C 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
My ex was a compulsive liar,alcoholic, agressive and abusive.
I divorced him.
Without help they get worse as they get older, If he refuses help, leave him now he cant be a very good role example for your son even if he is his father.
Sorry about what you are going through its hard but you have to do it
2007-10-28 07:45:36 · answer #9 · answered by Pauline B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes I do...it was HELL..but he went to rehab..not saying that it made everything perfect...it didn't but as of now he has been sober since may...it is hard being with an addict I do understand...the lies were the worst the cheating was hard..but it all depends on how u can cope....I fell apart and lost my mind but it came back...after time...we are now in repair...we also have a son...I will say this the odds are against us...Hold on..((Big Hugs))
2007-10-28 02:07:46 · answer #10 · answered by ღஜ((CARE))ஜღ 1 · 2⤊ 2⤋