More info on this...This is serious, how do you fall back in love?

Question

This is a serious question.....How does a person fall back in love with the same person? MORE INFO!
Been married 26 years, he was not nice, abusive verbally. (I know the problem there!) but the thing is I have fallen out of love with him and he keeps asking and trying to have me fall back in love with him. He thinks hes changing But I dont. I have told him I want out that I dont love him anymore but he keeps trying. He's afarid of being alone. (so am I )So do I try and I find that love again?

Answer 1

Lets start by going back to the beginning. Over the past 26 years, what was your love based on? Were there things the two of you had in common and enjoyed them together? Was the love an honest love or did the relationship offer answers or results to a troubling issue like needing a place to stay, financial gain, etc.? In other words, were the two of you self supporting, ie. did you both have your own place and have a job? If the answer to this question in anyway is a 'NO', then you cannot claim that the relationship started towards love from an equal basis. Ask yourself, "Because I know why he is verbally abusive, is the reason good enough to forego my own self respect and deny my self worth?" Next ask yourself,"Is the reason behind his verbal abuse one that can be approached through the use of professionals and overcome? And if it is, is there enough of me left to forgive and backtrack to a time when we were in love for all the right reasons?" Answering these questions should take a bit of time so put yourself into an enviroment where you can think without interuptions and using a pad and pen, write a pro and con list. In the heading write... MY RELATIONSHIP W/_____________.
and then make two columns. Take your time and give this a lot of thought. In the PRO column, write the positive characteristics of your spouse including personality when he is with you and in a social setting. Also in this column, itemize the qualities he has that you found attractive. As you add to this list, you will no doubt come across some of his negative traits so this would be a good time to start the CON column. After spending the time worthy of 26 years time, begin another list. This time the list is going to be about you. The two columns are going to be...What makes me happy and my marriage worthy, and the other column is going to contain... Why do I no longer feel any love for this person? After you have taken the time you feel a 26 yr relationship is due, add up the columns. To put your lists into a mathmatical formula, assign each entry with a number. For example: In the POZ traits column for him you made an entry that states he makes you laugh. On a scale of 1-5;1 being not worth it and 5 being highly worthwhile, this entry might rate a 5. Do the same for the remaining columns. Afterwards, add up the totals of each column. If the positive columns tally up in more points than the negative columns, your marriage may be worth saving provided that he be willing to put in the effort to clearly state that he is willing to change by using the tools that will be given you by a professional counselor. If the negative columns add up to more points than the positive, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to continue in a relationship that is more harmful mentally, which has physical repercussions, and will ultimately fail eventually? Or are you going to cut the ties that have not been beneficial to your personal moral and move on to the positive possibility of meeting someone who will support you in every way and allows you to go on in your life feeling better about who you are and living a more physically healthy life? If you choose to continue with the marriage even if you feel that it is not going to get any better, you are living as a co-dependant and a co- conspirator to the shorter life you will live. There is no doubt in my mind that either way, you are going to need someone to talk to. Should you choose to work on your marriage(something I feel is a good thing only because of the time invested) there are a couple of steps to take. You will want to talk to a therapist to identify the negative and the positive attributes of your marriage and the second step will be to take what you have learned from your therapist to your marriage counselor. While you speak to your therapist, allow them to look over the lists that you created in order to determine how realistic they(the lists) are. If after you speak to your therapist you learn that your marriage is on life support with no brain activity, learn who makes up your support group; be it family and or close friends, and lean on them. Look at your spouse as an illegal drug and now your in need of a NA program. And finally, if your spouse is not understanding why you are taking your marriage off life support, don't worry about it. Let him pay for his own therapist. Better yet, because he is the one with the abusive behavior, make him pay for your therapy also. With regards to your not wanting to be alone, there are many ways to overcome this. I personally started volunteering my time to causes that encompassed a variety of people who at one time felt emotional pain and needed someone to just listen without judging. I hope this advice is useful. :}

Answer 2

Its hard to allow yourself to be in love with someone who is verbally abusive. 26 years... It sounds like he is putting you down because he needs to feel better about himself. Before you throw away 26 years, ask him if he would be willing to go through counciling with you. You need to be sure also.
The grass is not always greener on the otherside. Most relationships end up dealing with the same kind of problems.
What kind of a marriage foundation do you have?
Do each of you have certain territories that you are responsible for such as who does the budget, pays the bills, decorates, grocery shops, prepares the meals, ect...
Is there total trust for each other when it comes to your assigned territories? Respect?
What are you doing as far as venting your frustrations, other than on each other. Do you have other outlets. Activities?
Regular dates? Don't worry about the sex at this point because you both need to rebuild your marriage foundtion. After many years of marriage people change and want differnt things and get caught up in life and stress. They lose who they are and fall out of love.
You both need to start from scratch and reevaluate every aspect of your relationship and start dating again.
Many Blessings

Answer 3

Yeah...and its nothing less than he deserves...he should have tried harder....he should never have abused you. No wonder you fell out of love with him. He's done a lot of damage to the relationship and its not easy to get back. If you really want to fall back in love with your partner, counselling is the only way. Dont be afraid of being alone, you will only ever be alone if its what you choose. If you have a good personality, you will never be alone. Dont feel responsible for how your marriage has failed. There is no excuse for abuse...maybe your partner should have thought about the consequences before he chose to abuse you. I dont feel sorry for him at all, and either should you. You have been conditioned to be the abused "wife".....that is why you are afraid to be alone. You are a person first...the abused wife has been conditioned into you.....its not who you really are. I say, make a break from the abuse...learn what its like to be loved for who you really are. You need time out from your abusive partner to decide where you really want to be. No-one was born to be owned.....unfortunately, you have allowed yourself to be drawn into a relationship where its never been equal. Honestly, if you have the chance to get away from the abuse, then you need to take it. You need to learn what it is like to have an opinion. Dont allow emotional blackmail make you stay in an unhealthy relationship. You partner deserves everything he gets....he should never have abused you. Im sure he blames you for the abuse. " If you didnt do this, then I wouldnt get so angry". Its crap. Your partner has a problem...its his problem, but he is making you think its your problem. I suggest you move out of your abusive relationship...find your self esteem, then decide what you want to do.

Answer 4

I believe that if there was once love there, you rekindle it again. It just depends on whether you want to take the time to rebuild to that place.
If you honestly don't think he's changing then maybe a seperation for a while would make things clearer.
If you want to make it work, there's always counselors. They can help you build new bridges and confront certain issues.
Try to find the qualities in him that you fell in love with. Do things that you both enjoy and that you did when you were dating. There will always be excuses for leaving, but there's more reasons for staying. Just look in your heart and do what feels right.

Answer 5

Honey that sounds like an all around bad situation for you to be in and I know you want to be in the marriage because you have put so much time in, and I'm sure he means something to you, but at the same time you have to see when something just isn't working anymore. If you don't love him, and he hasn't been good to you then what are you holding out for? My mother was stuck in a terrible relationship for years and finally left when I was young, it was the best thing for her because she was able to move on and eventually find a man who respected her and who she really loved, not just made herself love because it was habit.

Answer 6

You fall back in love by letting him prove to you that he is changing, and by not being a criticizing person and tell him that he has show you. Worked for me

Answer 7

wow 26 yrs, if you have fallen out of love its pretty hard to fall back in love with the same person,