If love means not giving up on each other even in times of good and bad, how do you know when to let go. My husband and I just recently got married and he is in the army stationed in korea. I am asking this question because even when I'm crying my heart and I beg and plead for him to stay on the phone with me, he leaves anyway. I still remember when he broke up with me on christmas day and my grandma was sent to the hospital because she was sick. I cried and begged him to give me more time because everything was happening all too fast, he said "too late, already done." I married him anyway because I thought he would change. I have forgiven him for all his mistakes in the past such as cheating, yet he won't even stay with me on the phone. I have given up everything for him. I am scared to imagine my future if one day he is determined to leave me even when I beg on my knees. Will I ever get past this? I love him so much but how do I know when enough is enough? How do I let him go?
2007-10-26 20:46:41 · 30 answers · asked by Loving.You 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i am crying for him to stay on the phone because we are arguing and he always wants to leave. the problem is that i was supposed to go to korea with him, and after putting school aside for some time now, he says he doesn't want me to go.
2007-10-26 20:57:06 · update #1
i have always been independent until i met him. he can make me the happiest person in the world and he can hurt me emotionally to the point I feel like I don't want to love him anymore but I do. I am afraid that one day, I would love him less and less to the point that I don't love him anymore and even when he is a good guy, I won't give in to his apologies. I don't want to get to that point in life. I Love him.
2007-10-26 21:03:57 · update #2
i lose my dignity when i beg. i feel sorry for myself but i love this man so much and i believed so much in not giving up on each other because hopefully somehow things will work out. except sometimes things don't always work out.
2007-10-26 21:13:33 · update #3
i find this question sad. really sad. you have given up everything, literally, you have given up who you are, you have given him the right to treat you badly. i don't know him, i can only go on what you have said, but you have given up your self respect. you don't deserve that. you need to get it together and make a life for yourself that doesn't involve him. you are a women and therefore strong, much stronger than you think you are. do you have a job? if not get one. make yourself independent, have you got friends that are not his friends, if not then find some, i bet there are people out there that you used to be close to before you met him, or married him. we often make the mistake of beleiving that they will change, but unfortunately, our will alone is not enough to change a persons character. it is a hard road, but honestly i can't see how you won't be better off. you are needy and he is using this, you need to become more independent. what would happen if you were the one to end the phone conversation? if you were the one to be busy, when he wanted to see you. you have let him have the power, there is no balance, you have forgotten who you are. your a woman you are stronger than that.
2007-10-26 20:57:14 · answer #1 · answered by ari 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to let get when one of you doesnt feel the same about marriage as th eother one - if he doesn't love you or have the same feelings for you , no amount of begging or pleading will change how he feels about you. It is never easy walking away from someone you love but the person you should love the most is yourself!! If you love yourself and take care of yourself and making sure you enjoy your life then the right person will continue to do that with you and for you together!!! We are only here for a very short time on this earth and to be here being miserable in life or love is a waste. It wont be easy and its going to take time - join a few clubs or the gym and get out as much as possible doing things that you enjoy - do voluntary work and see how there are others out there who have problems much more serious and life changing than our own - its very humbling but very satifying too!!! Enough is enough now - hold your head up high, look in the mirror and say I am strong and I can do this then walk away. You married him thinking and hoping that he would change - change is very hard unless it is something he wants to do !!! You cant change him and you will just beat yourself up trying and both of you will be two very unhappy people!!! Let go - move on - and be happy
2007-10-27 04:00:27 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow! Some of the people who have answered you here were kinda harsh. I'm gonna try not to do that to you.
First, I've been there! It sucks. You're on the phone having a nice conversation and suddenly someone misunderstands something. Now you're fighting. And since guys aren't all that great with the verbal skills anyway, fighting over the phone is very hard for them. Add on to that the power that he feels when you start crying and begging him not to hang up (even if you know that you're the one who is right) and then he hangs up anyway.
Don't put yourself in that situation. If things start to turn sour on the phone, just end it the call right there. Tell him you love him but you don't want to fight with him over the phone. This will end the fights over silly misunderstandings that I have a feeling most of these are. As far as the big fights, save them for the next time you see him as well. Here's how to judge things from there: How long are your conversations before you find yourself hanging up to prevent a fight? If you feel like you've barely spoken at all before a fight breaks out, then it's probably time to end it.
I'm trying to be kind here, but it kind of sounds like he's not very good at being there for you when you need him in general. That doesn't necessarily mean that he's a bad guy. It just means that he has a flaw. Everyone does.
The main thing here is that you just need to make sure that he loves you as much as you say that you love him. If that's the case, you should be fine. If not, then it's probably time to move on for both of you.
Also, it's difficult to recognize a relationship as unhealthy if you're in it. You tend to think of it as "just an argument" or a "rough spot". Put yourself in your friends' shoes. If you had a girlfriend whose guy was putting her through what yours is putting you through, what would you tell her to do?
2007-10-27 05:25:25 · answer #3 · answered by Been here before 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You love him but it's the kind of love that's not doing you any good and that he doesn't particularly appreciate. In fact, it annoys him! You need to be as tough with him as he is with you and then see if there's anything there. Right now, he gets some ego satisfaction from a wife that grovels even if he doesn't like it. If you change your behavior, you will be a stronger person but HE will start to act up and cheat and be the jackass he is waiting to be in this marriage. Let him, and then divorce him, good riddance. He holds it against you that you are weak, but believe me, if you show any strength, it will freak him out! He doesn't want a strong woman either.
He doesn't want you to come to Korea because he doesn't want all the drama. Why do you want all this drama? Ask yourself that and find out why this has developed into this kind of relationship.
2007-10-27 04:13:47 · answer #4 · answered by kathyw 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you never should have married himin the first place. Now is the time to end it. Don't wait until you've been married for years or you have kids...that would make it very hard. Let him go. You will get past this in time...and hopefully meet someone who is a better match for you.........
IF you decide that you just can't leave, then you guys need some counseling. learn to communicate better.....and don't beg....don't beg....it makes you look pathetic to him.
You can express how you feel, but don't beg.
2007-10-27 04:09:24 · answer #5 · answered by surat108 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband is also in the Army. When he was deployed to Iraq, I wanted to stay on the phone with as long as I could. But you have to come to realize, there are other people who would like to call their families too. They work really hard out there; they get tired. Sometimes all they want to do is sleep. But if he is cheatng on you and treating you like he doesnt care, then maybe you should talk to him about WHY he married you in the frst place. It's obvious you married him because you love him, but did he for the same reason? Or was there another agenda? I dont want to raise any flags with you, but I see a lot of marriages here on post go up in flames because one spouse finds out that the other only married them for the exra money the Army gives you for being married; which might not seem like a lot to us, but it does mean security. Maybe he feels that you are being a little too clingy with him. Just try to get him to talk to you about the way he feels. Don't beg him or cry, believe it or not, men dont really like to hear all that being thrown at them, it just makes them feel uncomfortable sometimes. And forgiving him for cheating on you shouldnt be your argument to get him to stay on the phone with you. A lot of things can happen while in the military outside of the U.S. He might be upset about some thing that might have happened, or seen; but he really cant talk about that stuff, legally. So just keep that in mind, and give him some room to breathe, he might some around; if not then it would be time for a long mature conversation about where your marriage is headed.
2007-10-27 04:07:05 · answer #6 · answered by Jen. E 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Men are emotionally turned off by crying. Try being cool next time he says he has to go. It'll be a great surprise for him, and it'll give you the power and control that you seek! I am telling you this from personal experience. My relationship with my husband has gotten SO much better, all because I lightened up, released my firm grip on him... and set him free. He loves me... so, although he is free... he still never strays, and he CHOOSES to spend all of his time with me. In your case, maybe your husband will want to talk to you more/call you more if he knows that each conversation will not end in tears. Good luck sweety!
2007-10-27 03:54:01 · answer #7 · answered by Chelsea M 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you sound needy.. Wake up girl, don't let a guy ruin your life or you'd just go crazy for not freaking important reasonable reason at all.. What's done is done.. Don't hurt yourself too much. People will only change if they really want to in the first place. Just move along try to meet other guys or make new friends and spend more time with family members, maybe that will help you keep your mind off him..
2007-10-27 03:53:51 · answer #8 · answered by [275] 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
it seems to me like your relationship is based on a lie. The first thing you did wrong was to get involved with him when he was cheating and treating you like crap. You teach a person how to treat you. He percieves you as weak. He treats you any way he sees fit because you let him. He left you on Christmas and he wasn't there for you when you needed him? Let me tell you, that isn't cool! You need to stand up for yourself and stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself and tell him what you need in a husband and if he doesn'tchange leave him. You never should have married him anyway and you know this! You deserve better and you ought to wise up and do it ASAP, or you will be his doormat forever. Have some self respect for yourself!
2007-10-27 04:22:02 · answer #9 · answered by rashida_16 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
please, give up on him. i dont mean to be harsh, but he doesnt sound like a nice man to be with. you only married the guy because you thought he would change, but he obviously hasnt. is this how you want to spend your life? with someone that has you begging and crying and scared that hes going to leave you.
that thought shouldnt have even crossed your mind if your in a stable relationship. you need to find someone that actually cares for you, you deserve better than this low life of a man. you'll feel heartbreak for the first 4-5 months of the break up. but you'll know that life can only get better after that. you'll meet with a loving man and live the rest of your life happy!
2007-10-27 03:53:36 · answer #10 · answered by Charlie. 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋