I have been married for 2 years but, have been with this same man for a total of 16years. We have a daughter together. Lately has been hanging out alot with his friends and not coming home.He didn't come home at all last weekend. My birthday was October 13th and he spent it helping a friend move during the day and then continued to hang out and get drunk all night. So much for my birthday. I think he may be cheating but I have no real proof. Am I being nieve or just paranoid. He has cheated on me in the past about 13 years ago and when I would ask him he would always say no. He now says he would never do cheat since it's against our wedding vows. I don't really need this man except he and our 14yr old daughter are very close. She is a freshman in high school and I don't think it's fair to her to disrupt her life by getting a divorce.
2007-10-26 18:16:51 · 30 answers · asked by Lashon H 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sounds like he doesn't want to be the one to end it, he wants you to make the call. I know you say you don't want to disrupt her life by getting a divorce, but honestly, I am sure she wants to see you happy. She knows you are unhappy, she must be able to see it. And honestly? Do you want to teach her to respect herself? I think you should try counseling, and if this doesn't work, you deserve better, hon. What he did on your birthday is inexcuseable. What you call him is not a man, but a little, immature boy. Respect yourself. Just because you have been with him such a long time, it doesn't mean he is right for you. There is life to live! Sounds like he could be cheating, but more than that, it sounds like he is testing the waters, trying to live life as a single man and see what he can get away with. Don't let him make a fool out of you. You are not naive or paranoid, you are trying to do what's best for your family. But being walked all over isn't what's best for you or your daughter. Best of luck to you.
2007-10-26 18:24:30 · answer #1 · answered by Kimmi 2 · 3⤊ 3⤋
What do I call him? Bored. He is bored with his marriage and is looking for kicks elsewhere, whether it be with another woman or just some drunk, high strung buddies of his. It is so inconsiderate of him to just leave you all weekend and on your birthday! If you have good reason to think he's cheating, then he probably is. If you have no real feelings for him but are only with him because of your daughter, then take a closer look at her. You aren't teaching her anything by staying with a man that is treating you badly, even if it is her own father whom she loves dearly. You know how mad you would be if she married a man that treated her as horribly as your husband does you. I bet she is a strong young lady, give her more credit than what you are. Divorce is hard on kids, but they do survive. When she sees you upset over her father's actions it must really hurt her. If you divorce him it won't cause her to love you or him any less than she does right now. You have to decide how much you want to take from this man and when you are willing to give him the boot. By the way, don't you think it disrupts her life right now by having her father stay away for days drinking while the two of you are home alone?
2007-10-26 18:28:19 · answer #2 · answered by checkthisout! 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Irresponsible. My friend has a boyfriend like that, whom rather just likes to drink with his crew all the time and leave her at home. I know it's the typical teen scene, but it's still irresponsible.
A cheater will never fess up, who would? The only way you'll catch him is if he slips up. Like you said, he's cheated before and he's likely to cheat again.
I wonder if he's bi... I mean he seems to hang around his 'friends' a bit too much. My friend mocks her boyfriend like that to get the point across. lol
I feel sorrow for you. I hate relationships in general, because they always seem to go sour after awhile. It's nasty how a wedding and being in love can be so grandeur, but goes down the toilet soon after. Your daughter is at an age of understanding, she must notice how things are falling apart around her. I know that they are close, but if he's never around.. it's affecting her already. Don't sacrifice your lifetime for her benefit as it's your life too. It's best to do what your heart desires instead of living a false life to please others. I'd say to lay it on the line with the jerk and try to shape him up or be prepared to ship him out.
I grew up in a broken home and I'm glad my mom got a divorce from the jerkwad of a dad I had. I sure don't miss all the fighting and playing sides. I think it's great that my mom's smiles are very sincere now and she got rid of a lot of negative stress. I'm also happy that my crummy father got what he deserved. ^-^
2007-10-26 18:41:54 · answer #3 · answered by тoxҳxiс 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Believe me, your daughter is old enough where she can see what is going on. He needs to seriously reevaluate his priorities. If you and his daughter are not at the top of the list then he needs to go. If you are at the top of the list then he needs to show it. You could be doing more harm to your daughter as an impressionable young woman, than you realize. She is learning from you and your actions. Remember more things are caught than taught. If you stay and take this unacceptable behavior some where down the line she may do the same when she is in a relationship that is going no where. Be honest with your daughter. It would be the end of your relationship - yours and his - not his and hers. Be strong. Good luck.
2007-10-26 18:28:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anne 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can really relate to your husband. There is a saying that I use alot. And it goes. "when I find someone I like spending time with more than I like being on my own, I'll marry that person." Although I have loved being with girls. Many of girls, eventually I revert to being with my friends ccause I can be myself 100% around them. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Just that he needs time not around you and he is making up for lost time.
In my experience when men cheat on there spouces. The relationship usually prospers under these false pretences cause he finds satisfaction elsewhere. In my oppinion with the info you've given I don't think he is cheating.
If he's not around that much don't yell at him about. Talk to him calmly and voice your concerns. Try not to be threating and put him on the defence. That will only push him further away. Try to compramise with him. Tell him you understand why he does this and be suportive. But he is your husband and needs to suport you as well. He spends alittle more time at home and with his daughter. You don't break his balls about being out with the boys.
I sure hope that it works out for you and that my advice helps. It sounds like your still in love and want whats best for your family. Good Luck!
2007-10-26 18:31:02 · answer #5 · answered by Dan E 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know that it's cheating, but there's definitely no reason for a married man to stay gone all night, let alone all weekend. Sit down and talk it out, an be HONEST. If you do, he probably will be too. Then go from there.
Please drop the tired "staying for the kids" idea. It NEVER really benefits the kids.
2007-10-26 18:33:00 · answer #6 · answered by Magaroni 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You either accept the way your life is, or you change it. You cannot change somebody else. If you are unhappy change what needs to be changed and be happy. I went through a divorce. I was so scared, because I didn't think I could go through with it, and I didn't know what the outcome would be. I took a chance and learned that I could survive, and go on with my life. Your child will understand, and would want you to be happy with your life. As for your husband, you either believe him and stop questioning him, or you end the marriage and end the guessing game. This is just my opinion.
2007-10-26 18:25:13 · answer #7 · answered by gray1800 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you are right , your don't want to act rashly and cause your daughter serious pain by upsetting the apple cart in your lives.
a very difficult situation.
sorry to learn your husband is becoming wayward.
your response has been very mature and considerate of your daughter.
congratulations on your thoughtful and well reasoned response.
when adults conduct themselves poorly, the children are generally hurt in very painful ways, pain that could change her life. kids need a mother and father. there are so many children without fathers.
if you can, hang in until your daughter is in her junior year in college. then you can begin to consider any needed action.
if possible, you don't want to disrupt her life and bring sadness to your daughter at this very important time in her life. high school is a time when she is making friends and beginning to form opinions about herself and life in general.
ON THE OTHER HAND:
everyone will tell you to get an immediate divorce.
its easy for people to say get a divorce. don't listen to flippant advice.
you need to consider things like;
can i make it on my own financially?
will my daughter and i become poor and lonely if i leave in haste?
evaluate the situation in a very realistic way to determine the best way to proceed. consider your daughter as you evaluate the situation.
god bless and good luck.
i hope things work out well for you and your family.
2007-10-26 18:59:55 · answer #8 · answered by ramni222 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you can tolerate his cheating than stay with him, my husband cheated on me when our son was a freshmen and his grades and interest in school went from excitement to not wanting to get up to go to school. That was 10 years ago and it has mess up my son who is 25 and not married and says he doesn't want to because of his father. It does so much damage to kids when parents break up. Then again it's not good them being around a dad that treats their mother with so little respect. You are damn if you do and damned if you don't.
2007-10-26 18:36:22 · answer #9 · answered by Teenie 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say, the outlook does not look good. The best thing you can do for your daughter is role model strong female behavior. I'm in no way implying you should leave or stay, but consider this. If a freshman girl in high school sees her mother stay in a marriage she's unhappy in, chances are that girl will grow up and repeat the pattern she witnessed, because that's what she considers the norm. Just a different perspective...
2007-10-26 18:23:02 · answer #10 · answered by Judy 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋