My on again/off again boyfriend of over a year CONSTANTLY gives me mixed signals and always has. One day/week, he'll tell me he loves me, will be all lovey dovey and will talk about our future together. If the slightest thing goes wrong (and I always feel like I'm the one doing everything wrong) he shuts off, and won't talk to me. He won't answer my calls or respond to my texts. Then usually days later, he'll send me a random text, saying something just random, (like..."i bought this yesterday" or "what are you doing") text messages, and will act like nothing happened, and then we'll usually meet up with each other, and repeat the whole cyle over and over again! I do not feel emotionally close to him anymore because of this. Somedays he makes me so happy, and is everything I want in a guy, all the other times he shows me just how much he DOESN'T care about me. I can't win in the situation. I hate it. I'm so upset. I would bend over backwards for this guy, but he never shows me he cares
2007-10-26 16:08:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
would go as far to say that i love this guy. He's all I ever think about, and I don't even want to date anyone else, because he's always in the back of my mind! Our relationship is very roller coaster like, and it hurts so much. I know in my heart, that doesn't feel like a real relationship, because I've had more normal ones in the past. This guy always leaves our relatioship "open" and unresolved, and we always end up seeing each other and getting comfortable with each other again. I get so happy when this happens, but also see the disasterous pattern that it always comes to. Another thing, when everything is going right, I start to almost not like this guy as much. I start to see his flaws and get turned off. I have noticed this about myself. I want this guy....but it's almost as if subconsciously he is not everything that I want. I scare myself, because sooner or later i'm going to get too deep with a guy that isn't "my all". (if that makes any sense?)
2007-10-26 16:09:12 · update #1
This guy also constantly tells me that he wants me to "be real with him". and to "love him for real" . As if I'm playing?! Do I have some sort of guard up? I've never been playing with him! I do have a problem being vulernable to people and also have a hard time trusting and being intimate with guys on a deep level. I don't know why. Maybe I'm not being real? I wish I could get closer to this guy.... what should i do?! What's wrong here? HELP! Any input is appreciated. Oh...and thank you Larry... ;-) i know i'll get your input.
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2007-10-26 16:09:58 · update #2
Ok.....I feel like I'm in love with him. BUT whenever he casually starts talking about marriage/children/moving in together, and in his VERY non-chalant way, I get nervous. I don't know if he's talking about those things because he thinks that's what I want to hear, just playing games completely, or is being honest. That's what really turns me off about him, that's when I start to doubt my love for him. He scares me in these many ways. I believe in a natural progression of things...not talking about very serious topics randomly and kind of pushing the idea. He has to win my heart completely...he has about 90% of it...but he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain at all!! and it frusterates the hell out of me.
2007-10-26 16:33:17 · update #3
Dear Brandi,
You are correct; he doesn't love you. However, you are caught in an emotional loop with him. The cycle will keep repeating, until you no longer meet your boyfriend's needs. He will move on. In the interim, you will emotionally languish. Alternatively, you may make a cognitive decision to end the cycle, endure the acute emotional pain, and get on with your life.
Think of your boyfriend as a tooth, that causes you chronic, intermittent pain. You make an appointment with the dentist, and then cancel. You cancel, because the pain has eased, and you really don't like going to the dentist, not many of us do. However, the following morning, the pain is back, and your appointment is no longer available.
You could repeat the cycle many times, or you could do what needs to be done. Emotions are for us to feel, not to run our lives. There are times, we need to make cognitive decisions and stand by them, regardless of the emotional pain we experience.
You have my support,
Larry
2007-10-29 12:11:52 · answer #1 · answered by Larry 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and your on again/off again bf sound very confused and mixed up about each other. First you say that he is wishy washy about the 2 of you and then you say that you are the same way. You're both shutting down towards one another all the time and then you don't get your acts together to show love and affection. So, what's the sense in this relationship then? It doesn't sound like either one of you are in love with the other one. Find someone who will make you happy.
2007-10-26 23:25:25 · answer #2 · answered by Annie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you care for him deeply but are not really in love. You should try very hard (and it will be hard) to distance yourself from him. By continually going thru this cycle with him you are cheating yourself out of true love. One day you will find true love and will not be treated this way. I have found that to truly love someone you have to love ALL of them, the way they talk, the way they eat, the way they do all things. Know that you can not change anyone, if change happens it will be because you inspired it not because you willed it or forced it. I hope this helps and good luck!
2007-10-26 23:25:31 · answer #3 · answered by Leann C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Power is being able to walk away.
In order to gain his respect, you're going to have to be able to lose him. Let him go, entirely and act as though it doesn't hurt. Maybe even convince yourself of this.
One of three things will happen- You'll a.) Get his attention, and make him realize that you won't take it anymore, b.) Turn him on with your sexy self-respect, or c.) Get over him! And find someone better who doesn't play with your mind.
You know what to do. Make up your mind and stick to it.
2007-10-26 23:20:43 · answer #4 · answered by Jaims 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Isn't that the way it always goes , you fall head over hills for some THING who is truely not the right one , but you can't see it , your so blinded by your own giving nature that you give this thing your heart and this thing doesn't even agnoledge your existance, well,, mayby when they have a notion , BUT trust me he's not pining for you , your just not buisy ,, Get buisy ! you deserve better , and untill then , let him want
2007-10-26 23:35:20 · answer #5 · answered by darkcloud 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Next time he acts like he doesn't care about you, don't respond to him when he messages you or calls, ignore him, when he is doing this he doesn't really care, until he misses you, then he wants to get back in touch, well... make him miss you for a little longer, don't answer the phone or text's, honestly Miss, us guys are not stupid, and he will get the hint and stop.
2007-10-26 23:21:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
That's borderline abuse. If you haven't told him all this already, do so. He may not be aware of what he's doing, but he's clearly insecure. If he doesn't agree that something needs to be done, it's time to drop him.
2007-10-26 23:17:24 · answer #7 · answered by Anita 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋