A few days ago I had a long talk with my husband about our relationship. I explained that I didn't think we should be married anymore. He had a difficult time with the news but accepted the fact that there wasn't anything he could do to change things. It's a long story. Anyway, because of our financial situation we both agreed that we should continue living together for now until we can afford to sell our home. Ever since our conversation, he's been doing a lot of nice things for me. He's been cooking, giving me massages, and trying to have sex with me. I've asked him several times not to cook for me.. it just doesn't seem right.. More importantly I'm not sure if I should give in to the sex because I don't want to send out any mixed signals. It's over and I hope he knows that. What should I do?
2007-10-26 14:59:05 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
you should tell him tat.n yea go for it.but wen you find someone else tell him it over.but tell him its just to have fun nuthing is changing.
2007-10-26 15:04:11 · answer #1 · answered by blue star 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
He is grasping at straws and trying to change your mind.... i'm in an odd situation right now, too -- still living with ex boyfriend but have plans to move into another place in a few weeks. He's been doing the same things trying to change my mind (subtly, however it's sooo obvious!).
In my case, my boyfriend should have been so attentive long ago... but he wasn't. It's a temporary measure of desparation for me to change my mind. He tries to give me massages, too, asks me out all the time (he NEVER took me anywhere before?). Same thing as you are experiencing.
What i've done is not have sex with him, but i have been ammicable, agreeable and don't hash over the ex relationship issues... i just go on with my every day, and look forward to my own future. it's the best i can do for ME.
(By the way i don't agree with Crypt's answer about you giving up and moving out -- it's YOUR HOME too, and you have every right to be there.... )
2007-10-26 15:07:30 · answer #2 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are struggling with a trust issue right now. I am persuaded to believe you still love him, but,,,,more afraid to trust him. You want to believe him, but your trust has been broken time after time and you are just not willing to go through it any longer. You want freedom because of disappointment and hurt. Too many broken promises,right? Take this into consideration. If he didn't love you he wouldn't be zeroing in on giving out the goodies. He wants to keep you. That's obvious. NOW, is it because he doesn't want to lose the 'game' OR does he see you mean buisness and realizses he screwed up and wants to right the wrongs? Hard one,,,,,,because either way it goes right back to the trust issue and your trust has been sereverly damaged. Maybe you're thinking,'WHAT IF'. You want to end it to avoid any more hurt, but,,,,,,,,,,,,,deep down inside you really love him and want it to work. What to do,,,,,what to do. Maybe seeing this side of you will open his eyes to the damage his behavior has caused and may also help him see how much he really loves you and is willing to make the changes needed to keep what he loves. Honey, if there is but one ounce of love in your heart for him,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it's enough. You've got something to work with. It may seem small but,,,little things can get very large. It's worth fighting for. Marriage takes a lot of work from both sides. DO take a stand and let him know you are not willing to be treated in a way where you do not feel loved and can't trust him. DON'T give up til there's nothing left to fight for. Hang in there!
2007-10-26 16:09:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If its over , then someone needs to move out. Doing nice things is his way of not accepting the marriage is over. He hopes that there is still a chance for the two of you. Sex will surely send signals you don't want if its over. Long as you stay in the same home , there is going to be mixed signals. He may not be able to handle it mentally that its over. Need to be careful with him emotionally. His mental state may become unstable. I don't want to scare you but it may get scary sometimes. If you continue to stay there be careful and protect yourself.
2007-10-26 15:30:02 · answer #4 · answered by Thunder 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he's trying to work on your marriage instead of giving up like you. He doesn't accept that it's over. Of course, this 'work' that he's doing is probably not a long term change. I do not think you should sleep with your husband unless you're not absolutely sure about the divorce. It would be sending mixed signals.
2007-10-26 15:03:42 · answer #5 · answered by some female 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I used to work for a family therapist and I can tell you, Ive seen situations like this before, and if you sleep with him all you are doing is sending out the wrong message, you are leaving him with the vision of a future with you in it, and thats a no, no. My advise is dont sleep with him, dont accept any type of gifts or even a simple dinner is out of the question, if you do, it will only cause anger and resentment towards you, and you want to keep your relationship with him civil. If their is any way possible I highly advise that you move out, do you have parents a friend? anyone other then him? I wish you the best of luck!
2007-10-26 15:12:05 · answer #6 · answered by penelope 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you really sure its over? If you are letting him give you massages and such and hes being really nice im thinking both of you still want to stay together, if it was really over, you would be sleeping on the couch and not letting him touch you, and yes if you dont want to be with him anymore, you are sending him mixed signals, why would you give your love to someone that you want out of your life? if you divorce him are you still going to have sex with him, my advice- if you want to divorce him, act like it, dont play head games, you are just setting yourself up for disaster! He says he cant do anything to change things, is being nice enough change for you to stay? you have a lot of thinking to do, one more final thought? If you dont think you should be married, why act like it
2007-10-26 15:12:51 · answer #7 · answered by jolene 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I felt my marriage was truly over, I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for a house to sell, I'd pack up and move out, even if it were to a 1 room apartment for 6 months. If, for financial reasons that wasn't possible, I'd definitely move into another bedroom, and definitely wouldn't have sex with my husband. I would feel that would definitely send out mixed signals, plus it just wouldn't feel right to me. It would reduce something that's very special to me to something more sordid and commonplace. I don't want to have sex with someone unless I'm madly in love with him. Period.
2007-10-26 15:06:05 · answer #8 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it was REALLY over .... There would NOT be a doubt in your mind about what to do.
If I asked you (right now) for example .... Do you want to eat
a BRICK .... You would have NO PROBLEM saying NO. You
would NOT be unsure .... AND you would NOT have to ask the people on Yahoo Answers .... "What should I do?"
Getting a divorce is a major life decision. Take more time.
It doesn't matter REALLY if you sleep with your husband or not.
What does REALLY matter is WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO
ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE. Once you get that issue "firmly"
decided ... Then you should not have a problem deciding
whether to have sex with your husband or not.
2007-10-26 16:16:58 · answer #9 · answered by kjh 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to move out and get away. If it is truly over then get on with your life. Otherwise, he will think that he still has a chance to win you back. Why else would he cook and give you massages? He is trying to show you that he is good to you. If you give in to the sex then he will realy think he has won you back.
2007-10-26 15:06:38 · answer #10 · answered by Jay 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that you want to have your cake(living in that house, not have to deal with finding a new place to live, paying the bills, etc) and eat it too(not having anything to do with your husband). Who's the one sending out mixed signals? If you really want it to be over, you should MOVE OUT, this way he knows that it's DEFINITELY over. Stop enjoying the massages, and him cooking...if you didn't want him to do those things, you wouldn't allow the massages, or eat the food he cooks for you. Do the man a favor and move out. The sooner you do so, the faster he can get on with his life, and the sooner you can get on with yours.
2007-10-26 15:05:47 · answer #11 · answered by RetroDiva65 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋