I am stuck. I need advice?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I am his first girlfriend. He is thinking of getting his own place soon. The problem is that he wants to live on his own for a while (who knows how long) before either living with his friends or with me. I am to the point where I am wondering if he will ever commit to me. I realize that he doesn't want to rush things, but we are not moving at all.
He is always late for everything, and always waits until the last possible minute to make plans. He is an incurable slob, his car and room are knee deep in garbage. I have tried so hard to talk to him about these things, and it changes for maybe a week and then he is back at square one. He has plenty of free time, so I don't see why any of this is still an issue.
I love him, but I am to the point where I am wondering if this is really what I want. I don't feel fulfilled, and I feel I have failed to make a positive impact on his life.
Will someone please help me out here?

Answer 1

here's what i would do. if those issues (slobbishness, etc.) are things you can't come to terms with or think you can't live with, he is not the man for you. also if you think he is not motivated to move things along in the relationship or commit to you then it is high time for you to move on. i would tell him, look i love you but our relationship isn't going anywhere and it is time for me to move on. if he wants to keep you, then at that point he will say something like, why don't you think it's going anywhere and what can i do to help it go somewhere. then you will see that he is willing to work on it. if not, he is history...

Answer 2

Honey, I have a son just exactly like this. WE finally had to make him get his own place. He too has a girlfriend for 2 years. I love him dearly, but he is such a slob, always late for everything. I can go on, and on. I will advise you that he is probably just wanting his space to be his own boss. Actually if you think about it maybe it will give him time to think about change when he has to do it all on his ow. Do you actually want to live like a pig? Really do think about it. Most likely e will never change. So far my son has only gotten worse since he moved out. We thought this would force him to be cleaner, and take responsibilities . If your not feeling fulfilled then call it all off for now. Use the old excuse that you need time to think. During your thinking time you may decide that calling it quits is better than going through any more pain and drama. Why love someone you can't stand to live like a pig with and who doesn't fill your needs and wants. Best of luck dear.

Answer 3

Since you are his first girlfriend, I can understand why he wouldn't want to move in with you just yet. I'm going to assume that he is young and moving out on his own for the first time. It is a very smart move to live by yourself (if you can) after you graduate college or start real life. I would never recommend moving in with a girlfriend/boyfriend right out of college. You need time to grow up and learn things for yourself. Living with someone is VERY challenging.

From the problems you've listed, it seems to me that living with him would be a huge deal. You both, obviously, have different living styles. A relationship is built on compromise. You cannot force him to be squeaky clean, but you both need to compromise on these things. One of the most important aspects when living together is cutting each other some slack. You cannot and SHOULD not try to change the other person. However, there should be a certain level of respect as well. A clean girl should be willing to deal with a little mess if their live-in boyfriend or spouse is messy. Likewise, the messy boyfriend should attempt to clean up his stuff some. See how that works? Compromise. Relationships won't grow and succeed without it.

That said, I don't think the problem is that he won't commit to you. I really think he wants to do things on his own. He's being smart! You should let him have his space and create his life. If you're both young (late teens/early 20s), you both really need this time to establish yourselves. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean anything other than he wants to be independent and stable.

It seems like you're looking for something to mark his commitment to you... like moving in together. Or maybe a ring? Who knows. Realize that he shouldn't be doing that stuff if he doesn't feel ready. If you love him and respect him, you would be fully supportive. Do not feel pressured to "go to the next level." It's worse if you pressure him! If 5 years go by and he STILL doesn't want you to move in, THEN I'd say there's a problem.

Don't rush him :) Let him enjoy his time out in the real world. This moment in life only comes once...

Answer 4

Really, this doesn't seem bad at all. Being committed to someone doesn't mean you have to move in with them. I fully support the both of you living on your own for a while first. If you aren't already, consider it. You have to learn how to take care of just yourself before you never learn that. What happens in the future if for some reason you don't have each other and you have no idea how to live alone?

As for him being sloppy? He should not literally have garbage laying around. He should be cleaning up after himself, especially if it's a health hazard. If he leaves clothes lying around, can never find his car keys, that's just him and if that's going to change, he will decide to change it.

You have to accept the person you are with, flaws and all. Is he good to you? To others? Does he make time for you? Does he have any sort of drive to do anything at all?

If he's just lazy and not taking care of himself, and anything you have done or said has not fixed it, then it's not going to happen. Don't put this all on your shoulders.

If the relationship isn't working out for you, it might be best that you move on and find something that is more ideal.

Answer 5

In a way I can really sympathize with you. ): So here's my advice!

I know that you've talked through this a few times but you should talk to him one more time. Tell him that you love him but these things he does are really bothering you. He doesn't seem to want to change for you; only for a little while. Now it might be because he forgets about it. Which is fine because if you bring it up to him specifically, he might be upset and try harder.
Give him a "three warnings." Warn him about it once. Tell him how you feel! Let him know what you've told us. Ask him to change: Not just for you, but to help better himself. It will really help him if he does.

After each warning, take something away that's important to him. After the third warning if he isn't doing anything; distance yourself for a time. A week is usually enough. Let him realize the mistake he's making! Don't go into his room anymore. If you have to get into the car, complain about what a mess it is for the whole ride. If there's one thing guys don't like; it's complaining women ;) He'll clean it up faster.

I really hope this helps!

Answer 6

It sounds like you are ready for more than him.. Marriage possibly? if so, it sounds like you may need to move on. It doesn't sound like you two are on the same paths right now. if you've been together for that long already, he should want to move in with you, and not live on his own. I know from experience that one thing you can never do, is change someone. If your boyfriend's lack of cleanliness is a problem now, imagine how you'll feel if you move in with him. you do not want to have to be his mother and clean up after him all the time. I lived with a man who was a slob and i just found myself being angry at him all the time because I was constantly picking up after him. You need to find someone that wants to be with you and is ready to commit. Find someone that lifts you up, not someone that brings you down. This guy should be jumping at the chance to live with you and make a commitment. It should not be you trying to convince him to take things to another level. good luck with everything

Answer 7

First, give up the idea of remaking him. You can't change him. He will be late and messy all of his life. If you can't live with that, then move on.

Second, he's smart to want to live alone for a while; I think everyone should. There's no time schedule for relationships. Pressuring him is counter-productive.

If he's moving out on his own for the first time in his life, then it makes sense he's not looking to make any other big changes, like getting engaged.

Answer 8

I actually agree with your boyfriend about the living on his own part. Everyone should have the opportunity to live on their own before living with a significant other.

It sounds like you have a lot of other misgivings about him that have nothing to do with the living situation. Hopefully, living on his own will teach him the responsibility that he is lacking.

You might want to consider a "break" in this time. Let him get his own place and gain some maturity, and you can think about whether you are just in love with him, but do not love him as an entire individual with his particular pros and cons.

Good luck!

Answer 9

We were together over 7 years, didn't move in until after the wedding only because I wanted my own space, too. I spent every weekend at his house, it was fine. Knee deep is excessive ( and so why would you want to live in that ). But my hubby is just messy...not dirty. Guys usually don't mind clutter lika a lot of women.

Answer 10

Follow your heart! You can't make someone change who they are. You either have to live with it. Or leave as hard as that sounds sometimes you just have to let things go. I moved in with my bf and we have only been together for almost a year!