I try to hide my feelings, when upset, in front of my Kids. I know they see straight through it. What do I do?

Question

I am extremely aware of just how important it is to express a healthy range of different emotions to your Children. The same way I am very pro-active in encouraging my Kids to do share their feelings, determine what their feeling, and together we usually try to work out why etc etc. I am all for it, and talk to my kids regularly about their feelings, age appropriate of course...I have a 5, 3 and 1 year old. This is different. Very complicated, and involves so many emotions it's hard to know what I am feeling and why at any one moment, letIt involves my marriage problems, their Father's emotional abuse and my Depression.
I tell my extremely perceptive 5 year old daughter exactly how I'm feeling. she already knows "Mummy's get sad too, as we all do", but she want to know why this, why that, if Daddy is doing this, why Mummy can't get out of bed because she's so very sad (in reality of course this is my Depression, which is quite bad amidst all this family and emotional chaos.

I have shielded my Kids from their Father's emotional rage and continued abuse for so long. I left him recently. Why? Because watching them suffer was breaking my heart in two, not once but a hundred times a day. They have been emotionally traumatised, and I have been nothing but mature, trying to address every emotion and Psychological need that has resulted from this tradgedy. Do you know how hard it is to tell your 5 year old that Mummy is sad, because Daddy is shouting. But don't you worry my Darling, he will go to the Doctor's (my term for couselling) and get fixed soon. Lots of Dady's have this problem. Mummy's too. Everyone gets sad...What about you, how are you feeling....and why do you think that is then....what could we do to.....I am a Mother. A veru good one. I am just very down, have lost my husband and hence my family.

I am just trying to do my best here. Maybe I'm thinking and trying too much...

I was traumatised when I was my Daughter's age (5), when my parents went through a bitter, messy Divorce. Divorce was never an option for me, until I saw the look in my daughter's eyes the first time Daddy Psychically and Verbally ripped apart their own Mother in front of their eyes. I'll never forget it. It is only then did I realise why my own Mum left my Dad. I told her. We cried and cried all these pent up, unresolved emotions.

Some day, I hope my daughter understands why I had to do it too...

No Scott, I wouldn't agree. You are off on a tangent.

Suzyhomaker,
I respect your opinions, although I don't agree with them all. I respect your faith, although I have none (I wish I could believe...I have tried and tried...) I do however think you make a very good point. Marriages SHOULD be for life, a happy family under one roof etc etc. I totally agree also that Marriage is about good times and bad, and a LOT of hard work. You are right. This is how I feel too. Unfortunately for this to happen the other party has to reciprocate in wanting to work at it too. In this case, that didn't happen. I'll get through it. Stronger every day.

My kids are no longer suffering, so neither am I.

Oh, and as far as posting my business for all to see, I don't really think it is your place to comment here. Like you have acknowledged, it is my business, and I'd prefer it to stay that way. My reasons for being so open will remain where they should be - with me. Like you already allude to - my business is my business. Period. No judgement though Hun.

Judith,
You're a wise Woman.

Justreese,
Thanks for telling it how it is - no frills. I needed it.

Tracey ((( :
You are so lovely. Your kind comments about how I've handled the situation, touched me more than you'll ever know.

I think you're right! Maybe I do need to learn to start trusting people "in the flesh" and stop being so anonymous all the time. Real, physical human contact with a real adult would do me the world of good, you're spot on...it's hard though.... I've pushed all my friends out of my life. Made a new one though on ANSWERS and I will send her a text later today. When you connect with someone, you just do.

Thank you. You know what your talking about Sweetie. I can tell.

Chocolat,
Couldn't agree more. Well put. Agree with you 100%.

Answer 1

Kids are so understanding. Explain to them how you feel upset and why. It is good for them to know that it is okay to be upset and good to talk about it. That way they will be loving and understanding towards you and also not afraid to tell you when things are upsetting them. It's good to be open and honest. I should take my own advice really.

:-)))

Answer 2

This is what will make you closer. Honesty about the challenges in facing life will teach your children far more than the "don't worry, mommy will take care of it". The truth is you can't. They will learn that someday, that their mommy was human, just like they are.
Be strong for them, but when you have emotion, by all means, let yourself feel. Let your emotions run their course. You want to control yourself from irrational action, but it's no mistake to feel upset or heartbroken over something.
Especially if you allow them to see your need, they will have a chance to feel and show compassion. That's a lesson that you can't create any other way. Just let life teach them.
It will create a bigger impression for them to see you overcome a real challenge, rather than brush it under the rug while they remain ignorant of the harsh realities of life.

Answer 3

Parents try to shield our children from the negative aspects of daily living it isn't always possible. If you believe the feelings of your being upset is visible to your children, then is it time to address the situation?
Yes, I believe you did the right thing by leaving an abusive man. It would have been more emotionally damaging in-the long run for your children.
There are plenty of single parents out here that are handling their business. You can too!

Answer 4

Why are you trying to hide your feelings, it is perfectly normal and healthy for people to get upset, but its what you do after the fact that counts. Will you lose control? or are you able to keep those emotions in tact and act a like a responsible adult and parent? If your answer is the latter one than the more important question, How do you stay an in the present and face your emotions like an adult, instead of acting childish. NO judgement! I had that problem thats why I know.
Good Luck!

Answer 5

Crying is normal, and so is yelling from time to time. Make sure taking their dad away from them is really worth it. A lot of women have been told they shouldn't have to take anything, and we were never promised a rose garden in life. You work hard to work out a marriage for the kids sake.

The children should not see you crying all the time, this shows unstability, and makes them not feel secure. They need to know at least one parent has is together. I'm glad my mother didn't let me see her crying all the time, it was overwhelming the few times I did. They are too young to make us feel better. I only saw my mom cry when someone died that she loved, or when her cat died. She's 82 now, and well my parents were old school, you tuffed a lot of things out. If their is still love, and you don't feel your life is threatened, you should save your marriage. Kids need their dad under the same roof if possible.

Answer 6

Nothing. Everyone gets upset, including your kids. If it affects the way you are with the kids, e.g., being impatient, yelling at them, etc. then I would suggest that you say, "Sorry, kids, but mom's upset. I don't mean to take it out on you."

I'm a strong believer that not all things should be discussed with kids, particularly problems with the other parent. It will just make them anxious about something they can do nothing about.

Answer 7

You know, I let my kids see when I'm upset. Granted, I try not to scream, yell and curse around them (not that I curse, but you get the idea), but they have seen me upset before, and will again. I think it's important for them to see me upset, to know that Mom isn't this machine that just keeps going no matter what. I also think it's important for them to see how I resolve difficulties in my life. I'm not saying you let it all hang out for your kids, but I've never thought that hiding your feelings is a good idea. Especially if your kids are old enough to see through it, you're basically lying to them.

If you're upset, let your kids see it. Tell them what's upset you. If someone's let you down, explain that to them (w/o using names). Tell them not to worry, that it will all be ok. You'll give your children a wonderful way to learn empathy.

Answer 8

You can tell them what you're feeling but maybe not why. They can relate to most feelings, depending on age. If you're upset with them...I would think expressing that would be a good thing as long as you stay calm. Kids don't usually want to dissappoint parents.

Answer 9

Come on Grace, wake up. Don't be punished by your hubby's guilty. Face the reality. You don't have to hide from your kids. they will understand you. Life must go on.. be brave! we cannot change your faith, you yourself must do it. we only can support you. There are many peoples that are more unlucky than you. Maybe, behinds all this, God wanna give you a more happiest life than you ever had before.

Answer 10

Allow yourself to feel upset and don't try to hide it. Like you said, most kids will be able to see right through it. In my opinion I think it's better for them to see that you do get upset sometimes (it's normal), let them ask questions and explain to them what has upset you. You might be surprised with a response such as 'I love you mommy' - wouldn't that make you feel better? Just a thought.