My hubby still acts like he did when we first got together 10 years ago. We have a 4 month old baby boy and 5 year old son, yet my hubby still goes out fri/sat night, stops off at the pub on the way home from work for nearly an hour, goes AWOL to meet his mates, and won't get up and help in the mornings with the kids. He never gets up before 8:30am on a week day, and sleeps in till 11am at the weekend. He NEVER does the night feeds, and i even had to confront him about holding our baby boy as i realised he hadn't held/cuddled him for at least 24 hours. I appreciate that he works, but his job is very easy (he admits he doesn't work that hard as his job is very up and down) and it seems that he doesn't want to spend quality time as a family. He is adamant that he loves us all and doesn't regret having kids, but 90% of the time i feel so alone and might as well be a single mum.
2007-10-26 10:06:33 · 42 answers · asked by cuddlymummy 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He also stays up late watching tv, falls asleep on the settee, and then moans when the rest of us are up at 7am - then he goes upstairs to bed till 8:30!! I'm at my wits end! How can i convince him that WE are more important than his mates??? You hear all these stories about kids dying young/being snatched - i just don't understand why he doesn't want to spend every waking moment with his children.....lifes too short!
2007-10-26 10:09:31 · update #1
Please do not listen to the majority of these ridiculous answers. Divorce is not necessary and counseling can be an option. I would, as I had to do, make it very clear that the lack of team effort is too much. I have a one yr old and a seven month old. I too do all the night feedings and wake up with both girls at 8am. As your husband, I appreciate that he works. But my work is endless and it has no time clock for me to punch out and just have "me time". I had to constantly express my frustrations until it got to the point that I had to "make him do it". When the children woke up in the morning, I would get up and just leave them in the room with him. I'd go into the other room and sleep for an extra hour. I can not pin point what changed him, butt I think it had alot to do with me making him by simply placing the girls in front of him. He had no choice but to help out. Now he is a big help. therefore, I wouldn't call him childish just selfish. Good luck
2007-10-26 10:35:57 · answer #1 · answered by ready4love 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him a choice; go to a counselor with you or spend more time with you and your kids. If he chooses to not go then you go, talk it over with the counselor and have the counselor officially (in writing) request that he attend the next session. If that doesn't get the message through that it's time for him to change his lifestyle then you may have to throw him back into the pond... making sure there is an enforcable child support in place. Sounds like he likes the idea of having a family but doesn't want to actually live the life.
2007-10-26 10:15:34 · answer #2 · answered by lanmandan45 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Counseling. Counseling. Counseling. STAT.
Also, and I am not jumping to conclusions about you in particular, this is just something I've seen come up time and again...if it doesn't apply to you, don't worry about it: Some moms insist that their way is the only way to interact with the kids -- certain ways to feed, hold, bathe, play with, soothe, change, etc. When the father does it differently, he is reprimanded, and resents the fact that he's being treated like an idiot. I've seen men that blossomed as truly wonderful fathers once their wives learned to bite their tongues and let Dad work out his own methods with the kids. Many get to the point that they just say, in a passive aggressive kind of way (by behaving the way your husband does), "Fine...YOU do it, then." Again, that may not apply to you, but give it a thought just in case.
2007-10-26 10:14:16 · answer #3 · answered by War Games AM 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe that is exactly why he is doing that. You just said that life is too short. Maybe he is trying to get all of everything in before he dies. You need to actually sit down and confront him about his irregular partying days. You need to tell that he now has obligations and more responsibilities. Tell him he has two kids and a wife that need their father and husband more in their life. If he still doesn;t come around, maybe you should talk to one of his immediate family members. Maybe a mother or sister or brother. If they cannot do anything, maybe a marriage counselor is the best way to go. i know you may not to see a counseloer, but you have to consider that he acts like one your kids. That is not acceptable, especially for a man of his age. besides all that partying is unhealthy.
2007-10-26 10:43:13 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if your home is a stressful enviroment and your husband is avoiding being there and refuses to take any responsibility for his part of the problems. By his avoidance the problems are only getting bigger as you can see how it leaves you even more frustrated. Your husband sounds as if he expects the woman to take care of the home and children, his only responsibility is his job. You both need counselling to bring this marriage back together where it should be. He is running and avoiding and he needs to stop and face the home front.
2007-10-26 10:31:16 · answer #5 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He just isn't as motivated as you are. You're letting him get away w/ this stuff and taking it all on yourself. You're probably an extremely devoted perfectionist mom, so now he's afraid to take things on because you're so good at it.
You need to get out more, let him have a night w/ the kids sometime. Sleep in on weekends and when the kids are yellin', tell him it's his turn and roll over and pretend to sleep some more. Don't enable him anymore, make things even.
Get this book: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060520612/bookstorenow57-20
2007-10-26 10:24:23 · answer #6 · answered by rorybuns 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Presumably, when you say that your husband carries on as he did when you first got together ten years ago, you mean that you both partied,etc, TOGETHER!
Have his family never made any comment on his behaviour now that he is a husband and father, or do they encourage it? I know that if ANY of my sons carried on like this, he would have had a 'flea in his ear' a long time ago!!!
Perhaps it is part of his upbringing? For the main part the
man who worked, whose family responsibility stopped at slapping his wage packet on the kitchen table each Friday have long gone... but in some areas this attitude possibly still lingers on! In which case you have generations of neanderthal thinking to overcome!
There is the option of divorce of course and maybe that will happen... but before contemplating that serious step try some of the other suggestions!
He says that he loves you, so ask him to show you practically!
If you can't trust yourself to talk to him without it deteriorating into a slanging match, then write everything down and give it to him when he is sober!
Explain that you would really like him to begin sharing the bathing/bedtime routine every other night! Don't worry if things aren't done the way you do them, the boys WILL survive believe me!
Explain that it would be really nice for your older son, if he could meet him from school sometimes, listen to him reading his school books, take him to the park! Doesn't your little boy ever ask his Daddy to do things like play with him?
Eplain that you would really like it if you could go out together once a month, or maybe every other weekend! That it would be nice to have some time together without the children!
Explain that if he is going to continue to go out every weekend on his own with his mates, he's only going to be able to do it every other weekend because you are going to start going out with your friends!
If none of this works, then enlist the help of your parents and in-laws (though he may well choose to see this as 'ganging up on him'!). Explain to them why you feel as you do!
Divorce is easy these days, but the long reaching effects last for years, particularly if children are involved! So this should be a last resort!
It would seem that your husband is simply thoughtless and selfish, rather than actually abusive to you or your sons, so I would encourage you to keep on plugging away! Physically put the children into his arms and walk away into another room and leave him to it!
A couple of men have suggested that maybe you are a 'perfectionist' and that is why your husband doesn't bother trying to help! Only you know whether or not that is true, if it is there is an easy solution - humble pie! Tell him that you are sorry, if at any time you've made him feel that his efforts at helping are inadequate, and that you would really appreciate his help on a regular basis!
Ask HIM to explain to YOU how he feels truthfully about your marriage and fatherhood!
Ask HIM if there are changes that HE would like to see happen to enable you to have time together as a couple AND to be able to do things as a family! Try to listen to what he has to say, without getting upset if you don't like some of the things that he has to say to you! Try to think them through and see where there is room for compromise from BOTH of you!
The marriage relationship takes time and effort EVERY DAY, if it is to survive and rise above and overcome the challenges that come in life! Far too many jump ship at the first squall (which is obviously not what you have done, as you've been married for ten years!), instead of choosing to whether the storm together!
Best wishes
2007-10-26 12:00:03 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First there isn't anything wrong with him wanting to be with his friends and getting away from the kids, but you should have time to do the same. Talk to him about you taking off for a couple weekends and you go out with your friends or family. Or, get a baby sitter and you two go out together like before the kids. get back to taking care of your realtionship. it's okay to put the kids aside for a weekend, it'll be good for them too :)
2007-10-26 10:12:43 · answer #8 · answered by mommas 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Im not sure how to deal. I am twentyfive now and have been with my kids dad since we were sixteen, i was just thinking abou this the other day. We have two kids, pretty much all my responsibility. with out going into too much detail, i am feeling like these are just my kids. I also feel like he is still that sixteen year old. He helps his parents out more than he does me or the kids. I have tried to talk sense into him, he didnt listen. Maybe you can try this? good luck.
2007-10-26 10:11:44 · answer #9 · answered by sweetjade210 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have only yourself to blame for all of your problems. You stated that your husband has never changed. You should never go into a relationship wanting the other person to change. You knew that he was this way before you met him. You can do one of two things: stay and except his treatment, or leave. You excepted his behavior ten years ago, then except it now and deal with it.
2007-10-26 10:15:42 · answer #10 · answered by Cherri 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋