I'm 30 weeks pregnant and about to go through a divorce. How should I handle all of this?

Question

Here's my quick sad story: Married for 3 1/2 yrs. In the first three months of our marriage (and ONLY the first three months) bad things happened. He physically abused me and I cheated on him with my exboyfriend. We weren't in love, I guess, when we first got married. I think we only thought we were. As time went on we tried to forgive and forget and really, truly fell in love. We had our son (21 mths old now) and now I'm 30 weeks pregnant with our second child. We were finally doing things right - both full time in college, finally achieving goals together. Although we had our fights, things seemed okay. Not anymore. Over the past few months he's been telling me he wants out & that he's felt like this for a while but he was trying to tell himself otherwise because he did want it to work. He said he can't live a lie anymore: that he can't forgive, he only thought he could. I tried to get him to see a counselor, he doesn't want to. Said it's too late and no use.

This past weekend he told me that he doesn't care about me, or the new baby, and basically that we'd be better off alone and that our kids would be better in two seperate happy homes than in one unhappy home. I guess I didn't realize how unhappy he was. I was happy. But, this is how things are. He's filing for divorce as soon as the baby is born.... and we're no longer living together.
How am I supposed to deal with this? Never been through a divorce before. I'm sad and afraid and I don't know what to do or what to expect.

He says he loves me, he just can't ever look at me without seeing what I did to him. I know he isn't leaving me for anyone else - I can tell this is really about him and things he's been struggling with.
How do I just let go? I have no idea what to do. How do I at least try to go about my day not feeling stressed and hurt? I've got my son to look after and a full courseload at the college, and this new baby I'll have to care for... I just need advice. Thanks

I WOULDN'T GET AN ABORTION ANYWAY - I AM 100% AGAINST IT AND I ALREADY LOVE THIS CHILD LIKE I LOVE MY TODDLER.

Yes, thank you, Kevin for such an obvious response. Do you honestly think I don't realize that?
Of course I realize that. Can anyone change the past? No. So I'm not asking about the past, I'm asking about the present.

To those who asked: he's waiting until after the baby is born because he can't file until then for child support purposes.

Answer 1

of course you're scared! this is a huge life change. my only advice is that you take good care of yourself and the babies. you will get through this, no matter how sometimes it might feel like you can't. i stayed for awhile because i thought i couldn't do it all on my own, but i was wrong. i put my kids first and made a life for the 3 of us. eventually, i even found the perfect man for me. and guess what? he loves my kids too. so hold your head high, take care of your family, and things will get better. I PROMISE YOU! and if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can email me through my profile. congratulations on the new bundle of joy!

Answer 2

It is always sad when these things happen. It feels like the end of the world, but it really isn't.
You can't force someone to have feelings they don't, so the only thing you can do is move on, which is the best thing for you and your children anyway.
Things are still happening for you, you are in college full time and about to become a mum again! You have a young family and an up and coming career!
It will hurt, and you will feel lonely, but look at the positives whenever you feel down. Anyway, you more than likely won't be on your own for ever. There is probably someone else for you out there, but you'll never find him until you get over this!
Enjoy what you do have and before you know it you'll be over your divorce and you will bump into Mr. Right when you least expect it!

Answer 3

Wow.... I am so sad for you. If he really was a man he would go and see a couselor for your childrens sake. Cheating is something hard to get over but he should have realized this before he ever got you pregnant! Especially with a second child. You are going to have to be very strong... I know you will be okay and you sound like a decent human being so all my prayers are with you. Hopefully, your (ex?) husband will remain a good father and you 2 will eventually learn how to build a new relationship outside of your marriage so you can both be the best parents you can be.
You have gone through alot at a very young age and I give you so much credit. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You will be okay- your a strong woman and will eventually find someone else in the future who really loves you and then you will have what you deserve. Millions of prayers for you tonight!

Answer 4

Baby it won't be easy, but you can do it. Just take it a day at a time, and spend lots of time with friends and relations, the people that really love you and you will do fine. Just make sure he takes care of his responsibilities to you and those kids. If he wants out so bad, why is he waiting until after the baby is born to get the divorce. He's just trying to delay what he's going to have to pay when it does go through. Good luck and
god bless.

Answer 5

Don't quit school, thats for sure. You obviously have a network of friends or family, as you need someone to watch the almost terrific 2 year old. If you moved back home, stay there and get your degree. You be strong and move ahead, and he may come back around in a whole new light for you. If not, 2 homes would be better than one miserable one. He tried to hurt you witht his bull about not caring for the new one coming. Who knows, maybe he has some personal issue he is dealing with on his own. Continue to achieve your goals. You have your children, (believe me 2 is enough) until you have a solid relationship with someone. Now reach for the stars and take great care of your children, they are number 1, not anyone else. Take care of yourself too. Go to parks, play in the yard,(if you have one) and read read read to the babies!!
MarD

Answer 6

Surround yourself with people who do love you, at all times if possible. Concentrate on getting ready for your unborn child and letting your other son see that he is still special to you, too. Get counseling for yourself, if you can. There's no shame in getting help, no one should have to deal with something like this. Your feelings are all very normal, and may even be intensified due to pregnancy hormones. After your child is born, get a lawyer and work out your divorce, try to be amicable, don't badmouth each other to the kids. As a child of divorce, I agree that children are better off in two happy homes than one miserable one, but I appreciate that this has been very hard for you and that it seems to have come from left field. I hope everything works out for you, you will be in my prayers. Let me know if I can help further.

Answer 7

Well, do your best in school, so you can earn a decent living for you and your two children. Put them first in your life, and you will have a good life. Don't worry about him, he is having jitters, and may come out of this. If he doesn't, you will have to make up your mind that you are going to be the best mother in the world, and feel sorry for him that he won't be there to be a good father. Line up people to help with the kids, so you can finish school. Start now, don't wait. Let him know that you are going to move on because you have children to think about, and they didn't ask for any of this. It might bother him that you are not fighting him about any of this. I would tell him, bye, send money, the courts will make sure of that.

Answer 8

Well I think your life is going to take a major turn for the worse. Your going to have to move back home and if you can't your really in trouble. Your going to have issues with support with him due to the fact he's a student. Oh ya you staying in school is also over, at least for now. Most men will not think about dating a mother with very young children, now I know most women will not want to acknowledge that fact.

Now for the good part....... you will have 2 parents who love your children. You will have the time and fortitude to better your lives through the support of counseling and family, hopefully. I would hope as time passes that your family can come back together in the near future

Answer 9

srbyn1 has told you the unfortunate truth, he has someone else, and this old story that goes back 3 years is an excuse he has dug up to make it seem like his ABANDONING YOU WHILE EXPECTING HIS CHILD is YOUR fault. this is nonsense. he does not like being married and having children and is in college hanging around people who are single and free and so he has made up this excuse to get rid of you and the two children. this is the truth.

i am sorry and actually horrified that this is happening to you. i hope that you have family nearby because two children are very hard to take care of yourself. you are going to have to live the next 20 some years in a manner that is absolutely above reproach, you are going to have to do triple duty for these babies and for yourself. and because you wrote your question so intelligently, i know, i do, that you will. the only thing you did not know is that this terrible person you trusted has betrayed you, you are young, you could not be expected to know that. but now you do, thanks to these answers.

yes there will be child support issues, make sure you get every single penny that is due to you, this is no time to feel sorry for him because none of this would have happened if you had not cheated on him, right? WRONG. remember what i wrote above? this is all a big lie to make it look like you are the bad one and he is the good one who was driven out of his marriage and away from his two !!!! children because suddenly he 'just cant get this thing you did out of his head" he is full of it.

are your parents nearby? do they know about this? are his? do they? i dont expect you to do anything i am suggesting, but i guarantee you that you will not be a helpless victim of this lying cheating abandoning disgusting excuse for a man husband of yours if you do this :

YOU get a lawyer right away. YOU cut off all talking to him, YOU do not see or speak to him. when he panics and starts bothering you, i guarantee he will, tell him to talk to your lawyer. you may not understand why you are doing this, but i will tell you why, it is so you take control of your own abandonment and by doing this you are sending a clear message to him that you are on to him and you are going to make hiim pay for his responsibility to the children, and, that you are 100% over !!!! being his victim and you do not buy his story and are treating him like the creep he is. period. if you do this, you will feel better and be stronger.

Answer 10

It sounds as if he's already into some other gal. What you need to do, in this case, is to cut-off all talk with him & hire an attorney to make sure he can't weasel out of the support for the children; then stop him from coming around or talking to you; this is what attorney's are for. You have-to let your feelings push aside, now, for the sake of your children & your ability to be able to provide a decent life for all of you. Once the guy gets hit up for the child support, he'll be sorry he didn't try to work it out with you. Oh, don't let him have any envites to your bedroom, either; this will keep you emotionally scarred, when you should be toughing up, to handle all this.