Is it bad that I'm as sexually attracted to my husband as I used to be?

Question

We both put on weight when I was pregnant with twins. But I lost most of mine while his 50 pounds is still there. He has no desire to lose it either. I tell myself that I still love him, because I DO. But I'm not nearly as attracted to him as I used to be. I feel awful about it!! Is it normal?

Oops forgot to put a NOT in the title.

Oh no it's not my sex drive. I'm coming on thirty and it's in overdrive. LOL I've been TRYING to get him to loose weight. I switched every thing to whole wheat and cook healthier. He still refuses to even try, even though his mother died of a heart attack at 45. I've been trying for a year. No I don't want a divorce or anything, but I just don't know what to do. I'm just not that attracted to him anymore. I feel totally shallow

Answer 1

I am with Michelle - I like chunky men.

I would get your physician to help you with this - if he has a family history of heart disease that is NOTHING to play with. He is already pre-disposed and he does not want to wait until his first heart attack to do something about it.

We have a family history of heart disease, my brother had his first heart attack at 45.

Answer 2

What is normal, really? But this is totally understandable. The thing about age is that we all change. Gray hairs, wrinkles, weight additions...lol. You can either accept that, or not. It seems hard maybe, but look more at the physical attributes you find handsome about him, when you see the weight you don't find so handsome, think of that awesome smile, the twinkle in the eye...whatever you can find. Also be glad he hasn't added alot more!!

I've learned about men that you just can't change them. They'll change if they want to when they want to. Men also tend to resist change if they sense you want it and then they become resentful. Asking him to lose weight might hurt his feelings or may cause him not to do it (if you do ask, I stress you be to the point, use Would as would vs. could seems to mean alot to men, and not dwell on it). You could always one night all of a sudden say, I think you've lost a few pounds - my gods, you look so sexy - I can see those sexy abs/thighs/gluts/whatever. Be all lusty, say you can't keep your hands off him. Maybe some positive re enforcement will get him to keep going.

Good luck - I'm sure over time you'll be able to deal weather it's accepting or getting the extra lost!

Answer 3

Not only very normal but very factual. We all change our appearances and some of our behaviours after we get really comfortable and settled into a relationship. As you suggested sometimes we put on weight, or start drinking more or whatever. And fact of life is regardless of how in love we are with our spouses the honeymoon stage is over and so the excitment has died down. But often this honeymoon stage is recreated for short periods of time throughout our married life. At times it appears, for both sexes I must add, that sex becomes almost machine like and there is not the passion that was once present. Do not worry about not being as attracted to your man because if push came to shove I'm willing to gamble that you wouldn't trade him for 2 Chippendale dancers. Alright perhaps that is a bad example, Haa!, but you certainly wouldn't give him up for Brad Pitt if things are good in all other areas of your life. I always tell my wife that I wouldn't trade her 50 year old frame for a pair of 25 year old twins, and she knows dam well that I mean it.

Answer 4

It sounds like he doesn't want to use/wear protection. If he's trying to have a baby then he won't need to use protection. Now he's saying he cant get sexually aroused unless he's trying to have a baby. If the idea of wearing a condom keeps him from getting aroused then I would suggest other forms of contraception, pill, sponge, etc. But I do not sugest children untill you are BOTH ready.

Answer 5

I guess we're all very different when it comes to physical attraction and love. I think I love my husband so much that his big belly doesn't even bother me; on the contrary, I find it so cute and huggable! It's not like he's huge or anything, but I don't mind at all that he's a bit overweight. Is 50 pounds a lot? Yeah, I guess so, 'cause when I got pregnant , the last months I gained almost 30 pounds and I could barely move. But I like chunky guys anyways (the skinny ones just don't do it for me). Maybe you're used to seeing him really skinny...if he's always been thin; and now it seems to you he's become -at least on the outside- like a different person?

Answer 6

It makes perfect sense to be less attracted to someone who's less attractive. Right?

You might consider approaching it in a less personal way first, like that you're concerned about his health or something, and get him exercising and dieting. If you can get him to start to drop the weight somehow, then you can keep it going with comments about how much better he's looking as he slims down.

Or maybe the best thing is the direct approach - "Honey, I love you but you were a whole lot sexier when you were lean."

On the other hand, if he's over weight he's less likely to have other girls hitting on him. There's always a silver lining!

Answer 7

You need to find what else you desire about him besides just the physical attraction. You need to look at him differently instead of being disgusted by him. If he is not showering and he smells then I can see you not wanting to be intimate. With him knowing you probably do not like his weight gain the more defiant he will become about it. There has to be more that makes him sexy besides just his body. You just had a child and what if he was to think wow she has stretch marks and I am disgusted by it. Some people can lose wieght and keep it off others well they have a harder time. Just love your husband you had to of married him for other reasons.

Answer 8

It is bad not to tell him because even if he gets a little mad now about dieting and exercising you will eventually resent him for not losing the weight. You will also not feel like keeping yourself attractive for him. Try to make dinners for your family that are lower in fat and more vegetables. Try doing physical things together ( walking together ) It will bring you closer together as a couple to work on healthy eating and exercise instead of tearing you apart. Good Luck.

Answer 9

One very important thing my fiance has taught me, and that is to look down the road into the future of our relationship and visualize us in 20-30 years. Wrinkled, perhaps a bit heavier, bald, and not as virile. I did just that, as long as the character of who he is doesn't change, and I don't change the character of my being, we intend to be in love with each other as much then as we are now! I realize that you are concerned about his health, and his looks, but approach him in a loving way and you will get more accomplished. Even if he doesn't want to try and lose weight, will you still love him, and want to be married to him. It really in what's on the inside that counts as long as health issues don't cause other problems for him.

Answer 10

having kids always seems to put a damper on the desire level. you are in "mom" mode now. my kids are older but last weekend i babysat for a friend's 2 yr old. well, after 6 hours of taking care of her, i couldn't believe how tired i was - and my 12 yr old did most of the work! when you're in mommy mode, you don't realize how much energy you're spending taking care of the babies. there isn't much left for sexual desires. i'm sure it would help if he lost the weight, but it sounds like you need a little more adult time to reconnect too.

in answer to your question, yes, it's perfectly normal. if he hasn't noticed, tell him. but be gentle. you will probably need to be romanced to get in the mood. let him know this. we know that attraction and sexual desire is more mental for a woman than a man, but men need to be reminded of it OFTEN : )

good luck sweetie!