Virgin/whore dichotomy: I'm tired of it, how can we make it go away?

Question

I'm so tired of hearing women being judged more for indulging in their sexuality. I am a woman, but I think the whole idea of being whore for liking sex seems foreign to me. I certainly hear it all the time now, especially on this website, and it surprises me that people still impose double standards to that degree.

I feel like if I subscribe to the fact that I must be more chaste than men then I'm allowing the world to hate women. But if I don't, I can't keep a man when I want to because I've been labeled a "whore." I love sex and I have a sex drive equal to any man's and I'm tired of having to hide it because it might offend someone. I'm sick of hearing about how women don't want sex. I do want sex and I'm not a whore for saying that. It's enough to make me want to swear off men because if I'm with them I'm expected to live by their flawed rules about when I can and can't want it.

But what control does any individual have to change these norms?

the_only_solorose: I explained this in the question, but I care when it directly effects me (such as when I want a relationship and I'm judged for any sexual history).

Solider In God's Army says: "However having multiple partners versus one that you do it with alot is what makes someone a whore. Exposing yourself to multiple diseases and such."

Does this address the fact that women are judged more harshly than men for "exposing" themselves to diseases? I think this is missing a key point.

Mike: I fail to see the relevancy of your question except as a personal attack.

Carrie: I'm in my 20's and I hear the word "whore" being thrown around constantly. I wish it were otherwise. Even when the word itself isn't used, I find there is still an implied double standard.

Chip says: "I am assuming you mean Sex with ONE, COMMITTED PARTNER."

No, not necessarily. If I entered into a relationship, then it would mean sex with one, committed partner. Otherwise? Not so much.

Why is it that when a guy talks about sleeping with multiple partners it's a good thing but it's not for a woman?

Answer 1

It has always struck me that women are commonly referred to as you have mentioned... but men don't get labeled like that. If they are inexperienced, everyone encourages them. We don't have an equal label such as "Whore" that we use frequently to describe men who are free in their sex life. In fact, often time they are admired and applauded for their abundant sexual accomplishments.

It would probably benefit both sexes, if we stopped the labeling and accepted people for being who they are, without the name calling.

Answer 2

I agree with you 100% why is it that women can not engage in sex just as men can without having to be labeled. I refuse to recognize the words whore or slut, and if someone tries to use them around me I miss no words in telling them they are completely out of line. We are sexual being just like men, and should be able to enjoy sex as much as any man. No doubt we all have different sex drives, but those of us who are more sexual then others do not need to be labeled. I wonder what men would think, say, or do if every women lived by their so called guide lines. They would then not be able to enjoy their sexuality and I am sure the thinking would change. There is definately a double standard that does not lend itself to logic.If a man doesn't want me because I have had sex with other men I see it as his problem and not mine, he can move on and try to dictate to some other woman.

We have all the control necessary to control this by living life as we see it, and not giving in to mens demented thinking. I am not someone less because I enjoy sex, and have engaged in it with others, if a man can not accept it them I will not accept him.I am the person I am, I am not some kind of sub-woman because I enjoy sex. I have every right to enjoy it as does any man, and if they don't like it - tough.

Answer 3

2 jokes, then the "serious" stuff:
Ellen DeGeneres once said "I was raised to believe that sex was a dirty, filthy disgusting thing that you saved for someone you loved."

"is sex dirty? - only if you do it right"

OK. You "hide" it for two quite practical reasons.
first, an odd thing about men is that we will spend a LOT
more energy and attention trying to look up your skirt than we would look at you in a bikini -- don't know why, it just is. So you "hide" it to get more attention.

second, the energy graphs of men and women differ in that the man's is a short "spike" while a woman's is more of a long gradual slope. If a guy gets too aroused during foreplay, he'll never make it to the main event. So you just put off bringing up the subject for a while in deference to his biology.

As far as the judgement thing , I don't really see that much of it in San Francisco, don't think you'll find it in NY either.


When a guy sleeps with multiple partners it's a "good thing" among the other boys. -- I somehow doubt that it's a "good thing" among the girls. -- whose judgements are you listening to, and thereby validating?

Answer 4

Social norms -however disgusting and unreasonable they are- cannot be changed easily. But even in oppressive countries you will find liberated areas, where people are beyond that dichotomy.
What you can do is to fully accept your own norms and feelings & live accordingly & socialize with people who are open and juicy.
Accept it as probable that you will meet many weaker men and repressed women, who are not able to handle a vital and intensely sexual woman.
You will probably be disappointed and hurt by them. It is painful to see people living fearful, conflicted and limited lives.
But you are also able to spot those men who deeply desire intensity & those women who share your wish for liberation.
In a way you may be living in a desert, but there are oases everywhere. Looking at life from the oasis is more fun.

Answer 5

I'm with you.

And I think it's our high sex drives and genuine enjoyment of sex that makes us not at all like whores.

For me, a whore is someone who has sex for an ulterior motive be it material or even a vain attempt to keep a relationship together.

The only way to change the norms is to challenge them whenever you can.

Answer 6

There is a line between liking sex and being in-your-face about it. There is nothing wrong with liking sex, and it's healthy. But, if you overdo it, people will think what they will think.

People impose double standards all the time, everywhere. And it's hypocritical. But they will continue to do that, and you can't change people. Just accept the fact that what they think is not your business. And live by your own rules.

Nobody can make it go away. As long as people have the reptilian brain, people will continue to behave irrationally.

Answer 7

I often think like you, but I don't think it's going to change soon.

Call me a sellout, but sometimes we got to do what we got to do. I just keep quiet about my sexual preferences to give "off a mystery" (Trust me, some men do like a mystery and a challenge), and then I let out my prowess in bed when the doors close. :)

When I'm with my close friends who I trust, then I will talk about sex but that's only because I know they won't judge me.

As long as you know who you are and you enjoy yourself, who cares what people think? I personally don't care anymore what others think about female sexuality....I will just worry about myself being satisfied. :)

Answer 8

We don't have control to change society's norms, but society is made up of the sum of its individuals. If enough of us stop believing in these ideas, then we can make change. And it starts with you. You can't take away the power of a word, but you can make it meaningless to you.

I don't know how old you are, but my straight male friends are in their late 20's or early 30's, and I have never heard them once refer to their casual sex partners as whores. I heard it alllll the time in high school, though... so I am assuming that you are young-ish, and I promise you, it will get better when you get older.

Answer 9

Well I agree with you there. I think it is BS that a man can screw whomever whenever, but a female is supposed to have more class. I think it is sad when any person male or female will just lay down with anyone, what happened to self respect?! If your sex drive is to the extreme, Great! But, why can't there be one man that is recieving the sex? I think if any female or male cannot count on 1 hand how many sex partners they have had in their life, they should ask themselves, how is anyone supposed to respect me when I dont respect myself. And for the ones that say, "just because I sleep around, does not mean I dont respect myself" Well I say to you.. Bullshit! All the diseases that are out there, new things being developed and created everyday if you respected your body you would not give everyone the power to change your life forever! So be sexual, but find a Sexual partner!

Answer 10

I just wanted to say you're awesome for saying all that, and if people don't like it then screw 'em! There should be more women like you and less men complaining about such a great thing. Sex is great.... doesn't mean you're a whore for liking it a lot. Anyway, that's my 2 cents.