I've been dating separated man for 7 mths. He doesn't live w/ his wife but he still hasn't filed for divorce & wants to file jointly & not "make it messy", so he's letting her call all the shots. She doesn't want divorce & always tells him things that she/ they have to do b4 she'll agree to file & drags her feet & he lets her.
I finally got tired of waiting for her to agree to file & felt guilty for being w/ him while they're still married, so I broke things off w/ him last night for good until he's divorced. Today he forwarded me an email from her that she wrote this morning, saying that she did one of the things she'd said needed to be done b4 they file. This is the 1st time she's ever taken any initiative towards divorce & the 1st time he's ever shown me email from her.
I find the timing very coincidental/ suspicious. Could he have fabricated/ modified email? Did he call her after I broke up w/ him & say "get a move on it" & she finally did? What do you think this means?
2007-10-26 04:53:26 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sorry I did not make this clear but his wife doesn't know anything about me. She's even asked if he's seeing someone and he's said no because he doesn't want to hurt her or make the divorce more difficult. Therefore the fact that he told her of our breakup is not a possibility but thanks to those of you who tried to help with that suggestion. :)
Also just fyi they do not have children.
2007-10-26 07:09:18 · update #1
Stick to your guns.
Always complete one relationship, before starting another.
2007-10-26 04:57:20 · answer #1 · answered by nwnativeprincess 6 · 7⤊ 1⤋
Well, yes the email could have been fabricated, and it is a bit supicious but you probably will never really know the answer to that, but here is what I know for sure. He doesn't have to wait on her to file. He can file, and if he really wants to get it over he would. I think he may be dragging his own feet by allowing her the control over when and how its done. Yes, I do understand he wants it to be as drama free as possible if there is even a such thing in this situation, but life doesn't work that way. You don't always get what you want. And doing nothing besides waiting for the situation to self correct is definitley a warning sign for you. If they have kids or anything, this is definitley something that you want to keep in mind. He may let her call all the shots with them, and if you guys become more serious that could be a real issue, will his visitation schedule be only when it's conveinant for her, and if so will he stand up demand respect? What about respect for you and your relationship with him? Will she have a silent control over that? what if she told him he has to break it off with you if he wants to see the kids? Ok lets take the kids out of it, what are his values. Remember, values aren't what you say but how you live your life. Does he set bounderies and expectations for himself and those in his life to follow? Or do people just do what they want to and disregard his feelings? Does he willingly accept that behavior? I mean whoa, his wife dragging her feet to me seem like the surfaceable problem. I think there may be some other issues going on here. Now, what about you , how long are supposed to suppress your needs for him and his soon to be ex's needs? I think that this is a bad situation for you to put yourself in, and I think the best thing for you to do is to send him an email asking him not to contact you until after the divorce is final, no exceptions. If your available at that time you guys can go from there.And if that doesn't put enough fire under his butt, than he is not the man for you, And you think he is worth waiting on, do your own research abuot how long his divorce should take, set the timeframe and secretly wait.(I wouldn't but if you feel the need to do you, but be in control) But you have needs, and your entitled to have those needs met. Unfortunately he just can't do that for you right now. Doesn't make him a bad man, or person,nor does it make you a bad person for not wanting to waste any more time on this situation. It makes you smart, you need to protect your self and your feelings before things go any further.
Good luck!
2007-10-26 05:17:48 · answer #2 · answered by Mrs.G-unit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all...yes, when you forward an email...you can change anything in the previous email or "fabricate" it as you put it. None of us know whether or not that was the case, but since you asked, yes, it is possible.
Secondly...you are also right to call of the relationship until he is divorced...this is only protecting you from getting hurt any further..and it's the RIGHT thing to do. You could respond to his email and tell him that you are happy to hear that she is finally taking steps to allow him to be happy so by the sound of things it shouldn't be too much longer before the two of you are able to try the relationship once his divorce is final! You made the right decision...so just stick to it!
2007-10-26 05:09:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I had a dime for the times I've read this type of situation. You are right to leave him alone for now. Actually I probably would leave him alone period. But until he can show you a decree of divorce. You're still in his game. Don't do this to yourself.
you had the strength to step away. Let him get his divorce if that's what gonna happen. Tell him you appreciate the e-mail but you will wait until he is divorce so you don't get hurt and so you won't have those feelings of guilt. He must still want to be with her too.... cause he hasn't filed. Telling you that he didn't want it to be messy/ It wouldn't be messy... A "no-fault" divorce never is. This sounds like Bullshit!!!!!
2007-10-26 05:03:45 · answer #4 · answered by Bubbles 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Stay away from this man at least until you see that he has a final decree of divorce. Separaton/not living together isn't a divorce. Don't buy the "want to file jointly" for divorce it doesn't work that way even in a "no fault" divoce. He is playing you and playing his wife. He wants you to be a whore for him...
2007-10-26 09:35:44 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well
I personally dont think nothing was wrong with the way this letter was presented to you.However, he should have told you that she hasn't filed yet so im legally bounded until she makes up her mind.On that same token he could have easily told her that he has moved on and all he wants from her was for her to sign and move on thier separate ways. But because he drug the both of you along for so long then it's clearly logic that the both of you (the ex-wife and new lover) doesnt want to have anything to do with him.that could be the reason why the ex took so long just waiting for a break he could have saw coming both ways.
--later
2007-10-26 05:10:25 · answer #6 · answered by TIGGA_68 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think I'd answer that email with, "That's a start...let me know when it's finished." If you take him back before the divorce is over, he has no reason to stay on it and get it done. It is possible he fabricated the email, but if you are waiting until the divorce is final, it won't matter whether he did or didn't.
2007-10-26 05:01:44 · answer #7 · answered by D C 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Truthfully this could mean anything. I met my husband when he had been separated for three years. So many things happened.....but be pretty certain...he doesn't want the ex back. Divorce many times reminds a man that he has failed at something and if he has had a Catholic upbringing or been brought up with strong family values this is going to work on him more than the next guy. If loosing you is breaking his heart, and he is upset, of course he is going to take action and do what he can to win you back...keep your distance for a couple of days and see what happens...just let him know that you love him if you do and that this needs to happen for you to feel "clean" about it all. Good luck.
2007-10-26 05:00:19 · answer #8 · answered by Rein 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
It means that he is taking you seriosly and he like you so he is sending you this so you can now that they are moving on the marriage he must love you and since he does not want to lose you he wants you to know that he is moving on it. Don't jump the gun. What a couple weeks if you do not see anything going on then wonder what is going on and ask but don't take him back until he finalizes the divorce that will make him hurry up.
2007-10-26 05:04:41 · answer #9 · answered by Lost 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course he could have set up an email and fabricated one "from the wife".
I salute you for breaking it off. It sounds to me like he wants the best of both worlds. Maybe he didn't want the divorce either but had you on the side in case he couldn't reconcile.
I hope you save your celebration of getting back with him over champagne and the final divorce papers!
Best of luck!
2007-10-26 05:01:25 · answer #10 · answered by Elt 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Actions speak louder than words. The process of divorce is lengthy, and it's easy to recognize when people are doing the steps. You did the right thing. Don't settle for anything less than the divorce paper since he's SLOWLY getting there (in fact, move on, you might be his rebound person).
2007-10-26 04:58:04 · answer #11 · answered by John R 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋