Is this normal behaviour for a husband and father?

Question

My husband and I have been together since 2004 and we have a 2 year old. I work as well as he does...though I do not make the same amount. Both our checks go into a joint checking and then he pulls $x,000 per month into a savings acct to which he refuses to include my name. He also will not put my name on all the credit cards. I have never stolen any money from him and I have to ask to even spend money for a copay to the doctor.
I don't feel like this is normal. He threatens me with divorce/seperation like every other week. I cook,clean, work, do everything. He never lifts a finger or helps me with anything.
I feel oppressed. If it makes a difference in the answer- he is from India and I am a white American. Maybe thats part of the reason? Maybe if I was an Indian wife I would be treated equally? I feel so depressed and miserable. If it wasn't for my son....I don't know what I would have done by now
Please help.

>He isn't Hindu- he is a Sikh.
>I have suggested therapy for him, me, and together- he refuses all 3. And I will get in trouble if I just go ahead & go (spend the money on the copay).
> He opened the savings & told me after the fact (& closed out the joint savings that was attached to the checking.
>He makes fun of me that I don't have as much eduaction or as good a job as he.
>He despises me for having the baby. That's why he married me he says...because he felt bad I got pregnant. But I loved him.
>I'm afraid to leave & I want it to work. I have tried makeovers and changing myself.
>There's nothing wrong with me- I'm not fat or ugly or stupid or something. I think I am laid back and reasonable. This is just a nightmare. And I feel helpless

Answer 1

Indian men view wives more as property than as a human being. He's not going to treat you equally because his culture doesn't teach that kind of behavior.
You're in the US, right? Even if he divorces you, you're still entitled to half - point that out. Half the savings, half the house, half of his retirement. He thinks he's got an advantage over you, but it's really the other way around. Put him in his place. Next time he threatens to divorce you, tell him you'd be happy to run off with half his stuff.
Another thing you could do, open up an individual account and have your check deposited there. If his name is solely on all the bills, let him deal with them. Keep your money for yourself and do whatever you want with it.
You also don't HAVE to cook OR clean. Stop that too, or submit a bill to him for it. Nothing in life is free. He wants to be an @ss-clown, give it right back to him.

Answer 2

First I want to say how sorry I am for you having this trouble. Yes it is because he comes from a different country. If you were an Indian wife you would not be treated more equally! American woman fought for the rights they have today and women from many other countries have not got their freedom of equality. This man was raised totally different then you have been and it will cause many problems. You are from different worlds and customs.
You did not say where you lived but if it is in America then you might tell him that he really needs to put your name on the savings account with his because if something happened to him then you would have to go through a lot of legal issues, etc.
If he is threatening you with divorce all the time then he is trying to scare you into doing what he wants. It is a power thing.
A lot of men do this power thing, even American men. It is to keep their women in line and they want the last word. You are going to have to take a chance and stand up for your self and what you feel. If you don't then your marriage is not going to last anyway or you will live in misery forever.
Another thing you can do is to put your checks that you make into a new checking account and not put his name on it!! This way only his money will go into his savings account. See how he likes that!
There will be nothing he can do about it! And... if he throws a fit just tell him that you would be happy to include him in your checking account if he wants to include you in his savings and share the money equally from now on.

Answer 3

No, this isn't normal. There's nothing wrong with mutually agreeing to have separate finances (I know couples who do that) - but then do it right; have your separate accounts, and figure out how much to put into the joint checking every month to cover the bills and the living expenses. My husband and I have both of our names on everything; this is how we chose to do it. We are both of a mindset that there is no place for "yours" and "mine" in a marriage - our marriage is an equal partnership.

Household duties is also something to divide according to a mutual agreement. Both my husband and I work full-time. However, his "full-time" often includes overtime (he runs his own business), and he makes a lot more than I do. In light of this, I have taken over most of the mundane everyday chores like cooking, dishes, laundry, taking care of the pets, etc - I feel his time is better spent elsewhere. He does things that I can't do - like fixing stuff, electrical work, plumbing, home improvement projects. I don't feel oppressed even though I might do all the laundry and wash all the dishes; he works very hard to provide for the family. But first and foremost, the agreement is mutual; I would consider it "abnormal" if I was trying to communicate something to him, and he would ignore it or insist on doing it HIS way even though it caused friction in our marriage. He's always open to discussing things and explaining his point of view, as well as to listening to what I have to say. So far, we've had no major problems (together for 3 years, married for just over a year).

P.S. And we never ever, EVER, say anything about divorce. Just like at the airport - "all threats will be taken seriously". If he ever said he wanted a divorce, it really WOULD mean that he wanted a divorce. This is NOT something to use as an empty threat or a means of control. Never.

Answer 4

I dont think you have a very healthy relationship! I think I would start putting some of your money aside in an account he cant get to. I know of many relationships that are like this. Personally, I do not agree with the way your husband is. I think you have answered your own questions! I would be gone and start over.What kind of loving relationship includes threats of divorce? What kind of relationship has the woman taking care of all the things you describe? Such as housework and cooking on top of working? You need to look after your future and the future of your son. Do you want your son to grow up to be like his father? Will he grow up to treat women like this? No Matter what- never leave the country with him or allow him to take your son alone out of the country! You can see true story movies or read books about what happens! It is scarry. Let him find someone else to OPRESS and you get out quickly and as far away as possible. It is frightening to leave into the unknown for sure! He has a nest egg and could leave at the drop of a hat! You need todo the same! Do not give him any warning. I think I would by the device that hooks up to your computer and records every key stroke that is done. This is a device that is very small and plugs into the back of the computer. Get the pass words to accounts and get the money and run. By the way- I would have your paycheck direct deposited into an account only you can touch. Of course he can probably figure out how to write checks on your account if he really wants to and no planis fail safe! But give it the effort anyway! Be sure to choose passwordshe could never guess! And remember that if you do anything online and you have the PC keystroke recorder, he can do to you what you do to him! Unfortunatly- you are going to have to learn how to be deceiptful and sneaky to protect yourself! This is not a good way to have any relationship!

Answer 5

Oh my God girl. That is crazy, I would kill my husband if he acted that way towards me..maybe that's why I'm not married. Marraige is about becoming one, joint accounts and all of the above. Indian men do tend to be very chauvinistic. Don't put up with that, I know you have a child together, talk to him and let him know how you feel. Maybe stop being the perfect wife and treat him how he treats you. Start spending more of his money even if he does put some in a seperate account. Have you ever thought he may have another woman, or children that he's not telling you about. If so, hire a private investigator and see what he does with that money. Don't put up with his behavior anymore.

Answer 6

I suggest you start looking out for yourself. It does not matter where he is from. If you put your check into a joint account with him and then he removes money to an account you have no access to, it's time that you stop putting all your money in the joint account and start saving on your own as he is doing with your money. You would not be treated any different if you were Indian..sorry, this is just the way the man is. Don't let him threaten you, stand up to him and start your own savings. If he leaves you will be better off. You are letting this happen by letting him continue to do this. ONLY YOU can put a stop to it and him.

Answer 7

Your 2 yr old is learning that it's ok for a woman to be treated this way. If that's what you want, then stay with this jerk.

If it's not what you want, remind him he's in America not India and you aren't going to stand for his opression. You threaten the divorce. If he doesn't come around, then make good on the threat and divorce his sorry a*ss.

You and your child deserve better.

Answer 8

Well, this is tough, cause you should have never agreed to that arangement in the first place... It is always harder to reverse something that is in place rather than starting something...

Anyway - you need to take a certain amount out of your paycheck and put it into your own account! You also need to talk to him about the differences in culture and if you want to last as a couple this needs to be resolved.

Maybe get help from a counselor... It will be hard cause he grew up in a totally different way than you... but really you guys should have discussed all that before marriage!

Answer 9

No this is not normal behavior. This needs to change. Either start standing up for yourself or let him follow thru w/ his threats of leaving. If he's bringing it up this often, chances are he doesn't really mean it. He's using it as a way of controlling you thinking you'll do anything to keep him. Well, it doesn't sound like he's that much of a catch. He'd probably be a lot more lost w/o you doing everyrthing for him than you would be w/o him.

As for your son, is this how you want him growing up learning to treat women?

Answer 10

Why stay with the guy, your not happy...do you want your son to see you guys growing apart and being unhappy, thats not a healthy enviroment, the old "lets stay together for the kids" is just not working out, it causes more issues. Your son would rather grow up in a happy, healthy home, even if it means mom one week and dad the other week.