*****
Hallowed Saints Eve
What’s that?…out there behind the maple,
I will not see it if I don’t look out the window,
I’ll stay here with sheets pulled over my eyes,
I’m frightened by the night,
The lightless hours,
I wait here for the sun,
Under the blankets, where it’s warm,
What’s that sound…the damn cat!?!
Where’s my Louisville bat?
If, whatever it is, comes inside, I’ll give it a whack!
I lay back, close my eyes, trapping the voices inside,
If I sleep I will not hear the sounds it makes,
No mistake, I’d rather be awake, at guard, alive…
*****
2007-10-26 04:01:05 · 10 answers · asked by TD Euwaite? 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Good observation, Jeff. I added the extra commas as an afterthought, just to slow it down a little.
2007-10-26 06:13:09 · update #1
Every bit of creation is a piece of a greater masterpiece. It's nice to produce something out of your feelings. Keep with it. I think I will try one. Thanks for pulling me away from the world that presses for my participation.
2007-10-26 04:14:00 · answer #1 · answered by Beertha 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Not bad, TD. I'm intrigued by the seemingly conflicting notions of wanting to hide under the sheets but not wanting to escape the sounds. It works despite (or maybe even because of) the slight incongruence. I also like the internal rhyme, though "damn cat" and "Louisville bat" seems a little forced rhythmically.
My only complaint would be that your poem reads as coming from someone my 9th-grade English teacher would have called a "comma-kaze." In some places, your lines ending with all those commas adds to the frenetic pace of the poem. In other places, though, they don't really work. The internal commas in "If, whatever it is, comes inside..." actually halt the pace unnecessarily, and the comma after "where it's warm" doesn't set up what feels like it should be a caesura there (using an ellipsis or a period, perhaps).
Aside from my punctuational anality, though, I enjoyed this one. Happy Halloween.
2007-10-26 13:10:13 · answer #2 · answered by Jeff R 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I liked it, and to me the extra commas worked as a flow control device without writing it in short choppy lines..
It gives me the pausing points to let what went before soak in before continuing to greater things.
2007-10-26 13:50:38 · answer #3 · answered by Dondi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hush beware the Bogey man.
slithers through the night.
see him in the corner of your sight.
shadows move and jump,
I'm sure I heard a thump.
No was just the cat
chasing after something black.
Every thing is quieter now.
But,was that a plaintive meow.
Oh! by the way yes.
2007-10-26 11:15:20 · answer #4 · answered by TWOBOB 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I like it...and it sounds as though it's in the Halloween spirit. I have a Louisville bat under my bed, too.
2007-10-26 12:59:07 · answer #5 · answered by Holiday Magic 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dang, dude, what kind of drugs are you on?
And where can I get some? LOL
Good poem, TD. Do you stay awake at night thinking this stuff up?
2007-10-26 13:05:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You just put into words that way I feel all the time. Thank you.
2007-10-26 12:13:13 · answer #7 · answered by Dinosaur 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I like it, it is wonderfully exotic and reminds me of pumpkin pie.
2007-10-26 11:31:16 · answer #8 · answered by Lady Annabella-VInylist 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Lol... "The Damn Cat..."
2007-10-26 12:17:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it...
I'll come and stay with you untill it's over...
2007-10-26 11:07:45 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋