Is anyone else in a sexless marriage with kids?

Question

If so, how do you cope?
I exercise.

I have tried for about 5 years to change this. I do most of the cooking and I help out with the chores and cleaning and I do try to bring romance into the relationship. My wife will show a small interest about 3-4 days out of the month (ovulation cycle), but it may be just a question. When it does happen, there is no spark and I feel like it is a chore. I have tried so much to change this, but since she doesn't want to change, then I have to. So, I accept the bad truth and exercise a lot to deal with the reality of never having it. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything b/c I don't want to risk losing my son. He needs a stable home.

Another thing. We tried counceling, but no go. In reality, what is the incentive for her to change. She can do whatever and know I won't leave. I would think she would want to make me happy, but that's not the case. In my eyes, there is a difference between telling someone you love them and showing them.

She doesn't want to try the creams or treatments and she has a favorite toy that gets used EVERY time. Which is not that often.

Our record of no sex is 16 months b/c I stopped asking and wanted to see when she would mention it.

Blunt - I agree, not good at all. But when there is no other viable choice, you must continue down the path and see where it leads.

Answer 1

Yes. But I am the woman without an interested husband. Claims because he's over 45 he's not that interested anymore. Not sure how much longer I can go on. Affair is not the answer. Had a married friend that entertained me for a while, but it is not what I am looking for. Tried counseling, but my husband doesn't see any problem.
So the longer this goes on (5 years now) the less and less I wish to even be around him. I've become nothing more than his mother. This sucks.
And by the way, I don't cope. I cry alot. Like today.
Good luck.

Answer 2

If it is sexless after all this time, is it really a marriage to begin with? You know, the sexual relationship is really just an extension of your overall relationship; the problem is not in the lack of sex, but a much deeper root. So the question you first have to ask is what is in your thinking? If sex became an active part, then would you be thinking about leaving? Or, on the flip side, is it worth staying if you've basically got a roommate and nothing more? That will tell you if you even want to go forward. If you do wish to make this better, you're going to have to go to your spouse and express your dissatisfaction with your status quo, that you want an active sex life, and are they going to give you that or not? And if not, why? Then leave it with them; if you feel it's truly your partner's issues that are denying you sex, you need to lay it at their feet, and let them know if this is all they are willing to give, then they should have the decency to let you go find a better relationship. Essentially, if you've never consummated this marriage, you can actually move for an anullment.

Answer 3

Sexless marriage??? Why??? Work on the marriage and get the sex back into it! Start dating eachother - start doing some romantic things - take a bath together ... buy some flowers - wine... go back to when you first met - recreate all that excitement! Kids or no kids - you should not let that happen to your marriage!

btw - check out this game... An enchanted evening that may help!!!

Answer 4

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have many friends (women) who claim to be in sexless marriages as well. My husband will talk with their husbands who pretty much confirm it. These women I know say they simply don't like sex, it doesn't give them anything, in some cases they think it's "gross," they don't feel closer to their husbands when they have sex with them, etc., etc., etc. Their husbands all communicate a major frustration in their lives as well. Needless to say, none of these would be considered "model" marriages.

While I would never advocate divorce in this situation, I do think you need to consider it. It sounds like you've tried everything you can think of to remedy the situation, and yet you're still not happy, and your needs are not being met. As our minister told us when we got married, sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. In my case, sometimes it was the only thing keeping our marriage together. Your needs and your happiness are important as well, and you need to show your children a good example of a happy marriage, so that they can have the same when they're adults.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 5

I suppose that, since you've tried everything you can think of, you either have to accept the situation, or reject it.

Your son IS a factor, but i don't understand why you are staying together on his account alone? YOUR feelings and needs matter, too.

I know that sometimes couples stay together without much sex because they do love each other and there is a mutual bond. Every situation is different.

I'm sorry you are having these problems. I don't have a solution but wanted you to know i've been here and hope things will work out somehow. take care.

Answer 6

She should go see a doctor to see if she is having any problems with her hormones that could turn her off to any sexual activity. IF so that can be treated, women who go throw menopause feel that way but they get medication to treat and fix that. Bring some toys into the act , maybe she might feel she does not get anything out of it. Try some sex toys on her and many of those get women in the mood in an instant. IF it does and you both use toys together during the act then she may want to do it all the time. There is nothing wrong with spouses using toys during the act, its almost like playing and having fun with the act. Many people think a sex store is like a candy store to a kid.

Answer 7

I'm in a very similar situation. We haven't had sex for well over a year.'Before the last time it was a year without too. She hasn't slept with me for almost 4 years now.
I always had a problem with our sexual relationship. It was more like a chore than a pleasurable time of sharing intimacy with each other. I was given a set of rules basically as to what I was to do and when. If I tried touching her or doing anything she didn't want I was pushed away. When I would come home from work the first thing I would do was to go and give her attention, but I would be told to leave her alone, because she was irritable. I put up with that for almost 17 years. About four years ago she said she wouldn't sleep with me anymore because I made funny sounds at night while I slept. I don't snore very often if at all, so that wasn't it. Yet when we were first married and she would have sleepless nights, and keep me awake, I made her angry by suggesting we could get separate beds in the same room if that would help. When we did have sex, it was only when she said we could. No allowing spontaneous emotion,only on a schedule. I guess I got fed up and said to her why bother having sex then. She wouldn't allow herself to have an orgasm for most of those years. She finally did allow herself to have some a few years ago, but she tells me she has to concentrate real hard to experience one. So again it is like work not pleasure. I have told her I am not happy with the situation for years, but without directly criticizing her. But to her its o.k.. I started having problems with erectile issues, so I went and got a prescription to help with that a couple of times. Right now I have an injection therapy prescription that will keep an erection for up to two hours. But it sits in the fridge and is never used. She tells me I don't have a problem with erectile issues. The doctors think different.
I think a vast majority of women really don't enjoy sex with men anyway from what I've heard.
I tried getting toys for her, and lingerie, and all the rest, but she is disgusted with me for trying to encourage her with these things.
So I'm left with the internet. Which I really don't like turning to for my excitement. I have thought of an affair, but I don't think I would feel I could respect myself. I don't know.
My wife thinks a relationship like this is o.k. and others do without sex, so its o.k. Deal with it she says.
I think once the kids are older it will probably end in divorce or at least separation. I think that is the only solution if nothing else works.
Counselling by a minister didn't help. I have thought of going to a professional counselor, but at this point I don't think she will genuinely change her attitude towards this topic.
So I'm left in a relationship with little affection. It affects the kids I know, but how can you change a situation when the other doesn't see the need to.
So my advice would be give it a good chance to see if you can work it out, but if you can't, get out before it makes you very lonely, and miserable. If you don't it will lead to depression, and a loss of self esteem.

Answer 8

I'm so sorry.

16 months is a very long time. Exersise is a good idea to channel your energy and frustration on a positive and constructive way.

An idea; schedule a second honeymoon. Maybe she'll get in the mood that way. Find a babysitter for your child, you guys need time away to reconnect.

I'm sorry, but to be honest, this doesn't look good.

Good luck

Answer 9

Nope, but marriage is alot of work. You need to make her feel like she is the only thing that is important in your life. And live up to it. Be more romantic and get involved in her everyday activities. Quit being roommates and start being lovers again. Try communicating more and show her that her feelings are important to you. Work at your relationship and stop being lazy about it. Things will only get worse. Step up and be the man she fell in love with an married.

Answer 10

I feel ya!!! I am in a very similar boat. Our problem is by the time it comes around to being along, we are both exhausted from our jobs, house work and playing with very active kids. I have been trying to make time for us to be alone. It is helpful but you can only get someone else to watch your kids so often. If you really figure out a solution please let me know!