my wife immediately cut her off & said she was wrong, but the pain of the comment still remains. how do i handle this? Am I being too sensitive? I had self esteem issues when I was younger and that comment really struck me to the core. Any advice-thanks in advance?
2007-10-26 02:36:42 · 20 answers · asked by Dj 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Some day you may think the same thing about who the step daughter chooses to be with.
2007-10-26 02:39:28 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm really sorry you had to go through that but obviously you need to. You are not being too sensitive, anyone with a heart would be hurt by that statement.
So you have options...I think the best thing is to confront your step daughter. I don't know what your relationship with her is like but if she really means that, she shouldn't have any problem saying it directly to you. Why not sit her down and approach the subject delicately. You could try saying...I so badly want to make your mom happy, is there anything I could do that you think would make her happier? Remember she is probably going through emotional issues and projecting some of them onto you. This is not uncommon.
Be true to yourself and ask if you think you are being a good husband. If you think the answer is yes, ask your wife if she is happy. If you are both happy and you are trying your best then I think you should simply tell your step daughter that you happened to overhear the conversation and you can't help but feel a little hurt as you are trying your best and you want her mother and her to be happy.
At the end of the day, your relationship with your wife comes first, as without this, there is no 'family' and if she really cares about her mother she will want her to be happy. If it is you that makes her happy then she must learn to accpet that.
It's very likely that it is jealousy issues. Maybe she wants her mothers attention and is jealous because you are getting the attention or maybe she feels her mother loves you more.
There are so many outstanding variables that could be at the heart of this matter, so it is difficult to say but what I can say is that you are clearly a caring and sensitive person so keep your chin up and just be the best you can. That way you will always know that there is no 'better' for it's your best and that's something most people never really give!
Take care and don't let her words harden you, I'm sure it's just her own emotional issues, look at it in a positive light. This could be an opportunity for you all to become closer!
Trust me, I have 2 step parents!!
Good Luck.
2007-10-26 02:53:49 · answer #2 · answered by Karma 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, I don't believe in that instant your being too sensitive, I think that would have hurt anyones feelings. The best thing to do is embrace the comment, let the mom know that you over heard, and then maybe you two can had a discussion with the daughter to let her know how that made you feel, as well as address and put to rest any of the daughters concerns. To be honest, I think this type of thing happen more often than not, I remember when my son(from my husband previous marriage) told me that I had no right to disicpline him. Man, that hurt, I have been taking care of him all his life, (my husband has always had custody) that really did a number on me, but I discussed it with my husband. We discussed it with him and laid the law down, and things are much better for the most part. Blended families are always harder than you might initally think, especially when the kids are either teenagers or grown, the most important thing is just don't let the feelings fester.
2007-10-26 02:47:49 · answer #3 · answered by Mrs.G-unit 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh boy!!!!!!!! You have a teenage step daughter also....just an assumption. I have three step children and they always try (at all ages) to put a wedge inbetween your couple. I suggest that you read about blended family problems. I do on a weekly basis because they are always hurting my feelings....I have to read and reread because my feelings get hurt also...and before I become too angry and resentful I have to remind myself of some of these things....1) I am an outsider who has come into these peoples lives 2) their father loves me and that feels like a threat because I am not a part of their family as they see it. 3) Somehow children always wish that their parents were still together, no matter how bad it was....they wish that they could work it out. 4) No matter how good I am to them, what I do, what I buy or what I say, I am never going to be a real parent or family member in their eyes. 5) When they grow up and leave home - have families of their own...probably then will they begin to appreciate me. None of these things are my fault....although many times I am thinking to myself what can I do to change this. Divorce and remarriage is hard on every kid, I try to remain a constant in their lives because they feel even more insecure than I do. I know it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, however they are children, they are my husbands flesh and blood and the love I have for him, I try to transfer over to them. Unlovable as they are MOST days....I ask my higher power for the strength to do the right thing by them and to remove my selfish motives out of the way. Your wife will love you more if you do this....to understand rather than to be understood....from the prayer of St. Francis. I love this prayer, however I am not a religous person...just try to remain spiritual. I wish you the best....know it is not you and that it is her struggle for self that is making act out this way. They all grow up and leave home....one day.
2007-10-26 03:12:28 · answer #4 · answered by Rein 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you, I do! You're wife chose you as her partner. PERIOD & for a great reasons, do not forget this. Your stepdaughter is going to feel threatened by your relationship with her mother. If I were you, I would tell your step daughter something to this effect: I love your mother & I also love you! Yes, she "could" probably do better, bet then we all would be losers here, for no one will ever care as much for her & for you the way I do." Then leave her to think about "that"! Never lose site of who you are! Always try to improve yourself - when you do, other's around you will be drawn to you & want to be like you!!! If you show the insecure side, she will have power over you. Take charge of who you are!!!
2007-10-26 03:14:18 · answer #5 · answered by T. 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest sitting down with her. Maybe take her to dinner or something along those lines and let her know you heard the comment made to her mother. Don't get mad or start yelling, stay calm, but ask why she feels that way. Try and get to the core of her feelings and maybe the two of you can work together to be on the same page. You don't know if it's just resentment towards you or maybe there was something you did or said, or didn't do for that matter that upset her to say that. If she is just upset because her mother is not with her father anymore, just explain to her that you aren't trying to take his place, but just be another support system for her and her mother when needed.
2007-10-26 02:49:55 · answer #6 · answered by Paula Christine 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Remember whos opinion counts. Not her daughter. I have a stepdaughter too. She is often upset that I "stole" her daddy. She is 17 btw. She is a wonderful girl that doesnt understand that adults make decisions not for the same reasons she would. Basically, I see my stepdaughters anger and dissapointment at me as ignorance and immaturity. As she matures we are getting along better, and she finally called me her stepmom for the first time last weekend. Children always try to protect their parents, just as much as we protect them. It will just take patience on YOUR part until she matures and understands that you are what is good for her mom.
She'll come around!
2007-10-26 03:42:40 · answer #7 · answered by Blah Blah 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Im really sorry that she said that if your step daughter is young, then she might still have some issues with her mother and blood father not being together, i dont know your situation. At the end of the day u have only your wife to please, I wish u the best of Luck friend
2007-10-26 02:43:39 · answer #8 · answered by MakeAmyUp! 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can imagine how you feel. After ten years of marriage , my sister-in-law told my wife that she "settled" for me. I got angree but reflected on the fact that everyone "settles" on someone. So 'could do better than you'? Hey, we all could, if we wanted to waste years of our lives waiting for that perfect -for us person. So we find someone that we could be happy with, take care of, to be ours. "Settling down".
The stepdaughter is a kid who's just running off at the mouth, I don't care if she's 2 or 20. She hasnt left fairy tales behind yet. Forget it.
2007-10-26 02:51:21 · answer #9 · answered by reinformer 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Now that's a terrible thing to say, but this is how kids/teenagers can be, let it go, let it go, stick your head up high, and smile, maybe start taking your step-daughter out, spending time, let her know she is apreciated(if not allready doing so) you will be ok, get your wife to give you a boost of confidence. And it's ok to be too sensitive, every one has feelings.
2007-10-26 02:41:55 · answer #10 · answered by 12121212 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋