Question on wife's behavior?

Question

I'd like to get some womens opinions on why my wife behavior. Ever since I've been married, and I'm talking about from the honey moon on, my wife has been reluctant to engage in any physical intimacy. We probably have sex once every 6-8 weeks and other types of intimate actions about as often. Whenever I have approached her about this, she has told me that I was over reacting and this was normal as she has told me numerous times that most married couples are less active than we are. I've heard every excuse imaginable to avoid intimate contact, from it's to early to it's to late to I haven't had enough exercise. When we were dating this never was an issue, but as soon as I married her, it all started. The only exception was when she was hiding the fact that she was talking to her ex-bf. Then she was all over me. Can any one shed any insight as to why she would do this?

Thanks to everyone that has answered. I've often thought that the reason for this is that she is still in love with her ex and that she only married me because she wanted to prove to the world that she could get married after he dumped her. We've been to counseling together and separately and I've tried talking to her, though sometimes I do get a bit sarcastic about it. We get a bit better for a while and then it's back to the same thing. This has been going on for 18 years and I've had enough.

Answer 1

Women can use sex as a tool,

1. to get the man she wants
2. to cover-up the feelings for her ex.

But other than that, - if it's a 'normal' 9-5 everyday kind-of thing, - then she doesn't want to 'waste' her sexual monetary exchange on just everyday living.

As far as a normal married sexual relationship, - good luck. She's lost the excitement as far as using sex to get a man, and she has little respect for marriage as a communal sharing of love and intimacy.

Answer 2

Well, first I think you need to be clear with your wife and let her know what other couples do in their bedrooms is of no concern to you. It has absolutley nothing to do with your needs or marriage. You also want to let her know how serious this is for you, and stick to your ground. When you married her(I assume) you guys made a vow to honor each other, if so that means that you consider each others feelings which she is clearly not doing. Also your entitiled to have your needs met, there is nothing in a marriage that says her needs trump yours. So be clear what your needs are and try to find a solution where both parties needs can be met while staying inside the marriage. Now, being that she had one exception and that was when you found out she was talking to her ex, I would say for some reason she is using sex as a form of manipulation, like I'll give you sex if you forgive me. You also need to explore that further and see why she views sex that way, what was she taught about sex when she was growing up or etc. That could play a major role in her attitude towards sex now. Also, I am not going to speculate any further on the ex bf thing, bc from what you posted it doesn't really give enough info, and I am gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and say he probably has nothing or very little to do with it.
Good luck!

Answer 3

Your wife definitely has an intimacy problem. She has a very low libido, and to her it is normal, but it is not. She may have been "active" enough to get you to marry her, but then revealed her actual inactive nature afterwards. She may be physically like this, or have psychological problems that are deep inside and this is the way it is expressed. She cannot be intimate, so this reflects a trust problem where she "cannot let go" and reveal intimate feelings. This is most likely due to an early experience in her life where she was embarrassed or humiliated by someone she trusted for acceptance. She is trying to keep you at a distance to make herself feel "safe." It is not you...it is her....try talking to someone about getting her some help. It is also possible that you subconsciously remind her of the person who violated her trust. So if that is true, you need to find out what it was that "turned her off."

Answer 4

Different people do have different sex drives. For this to be an issue you are seeking advice about it must really be a bother to you, and as such it should be a bother to her. Your desire to be intimate with your wife is just as important as any other need in a relationship, the fact that you and she are not in synch with this is not good. I would suggest you sit her down and talk to her about it, and suggest couples therapy or sex counseling.

There will always be times when people are out of synch but once every month and a half is pretty low unless you are over 60. In your case if her sex drive increases without the help of therapy you may need to consider she is interested in another man, based on your comments that she was aroused when talking to her ex.

From a woman's point of view we are active 3-5 times a week, and there are other things partners can do for one another if they are not in the mood to "go all the way"

Good luck to you!

Answer 5

Your wife sounds typical, (although yours started right from the honeymoon) of a woman who thinks once that ring in on her finger she does not have to do anything more to get her man. The problem with this is women like this do not realise that just because they have the man does not mean she has to stop trying to keep him. Your wife is taking you for granted and I am afraid if she does not see the light at how damaging this can be to a marriage you are in for a long lonely, frustrating journey. Get her that book "The Proper Care & Feeding Of Husbands" by Dr Laura. If she still does not change, get her into counseling, and still no change, leave her. Maybe then she will see the light. I am so sorry that you are going through this so soon after your marriage. This should be the honeymoon period. Your wife sounds selfish and self-centered. I hope things change for you!

Answer 6

Sexual compatibility is one of the most important things in a relationship. Maybe not #1, but definitely ranks in the top 3.

And once every 6-8 weeks is NOT normal for a married couple.

Here's my take -- since you asked. Her behavior changed right after the marriage. So she married you for other reasons (money, probably being number 1) besides love. And since she has been communicating with an ex, there is a good possibility that she's getting her sex outside of the marriage.

I would strongly recommend marriage counseling for you both. If she won't go, then you go alone so you can talk through what to do about your marriage.

Answer 7

I'm not sure about why she would be acting like this. Is she confident with her body enough to enjoy that? It is not normal. I have been married for a year and still have sex every other night, if not every night. Just try to tell her how sexy she is and how good she looks when she is naked.
A woman with little confidence will be reluctant about getting naked and being intimate. Why don't you try surprising her with a romantic night. Light some candles, put them in tiers everywhere... buy some of those fake rose petals and throw them EVERYWHERE.... get some black silky bed sheets... put rose petals on them.... and if you have a big enough bath tub.... do the same thing for the bath. Just do stuff like that that will make her feel special and loved. That is what my husband and i do for each other, and it keeps our romance alive. Just try it. Hope it works... Just evaluate how she is acting.....there may be a reason for her behavior....

Answer 8

I would think that she just wanted to make sure that you married her. Now that you have she thinks that she can act like she wants. I am a woman and I actually would not stay married if I were in your shoes. Too early to have sex? I have never heard that one before. The other thing could be that she has someone else. As strange as it sounds woman are a little loyal. Even though they are cheating on you they tend to not want to have sex with you over their loyalty to the other man. I know that sounds crazy but it is true. You are not overreacting and it is not normal at all.

Answer 9

Sex is important to a healthy marriage and she knows this. There is a reason she is being so standoffish about it. My guess is she may be seeing another or thinking about it. If you have young children then her statements may be legitimate as that takes a lot out of a women including energy and drive for sex. If not, there is a bigger issue that she is not being honest about. Get her to be honest with you, I would even say to her that she is not being straight with you and force the issue otherwise she is liable to continue ducking the truth as she is doing now. Screw counseling, you need to have open communication on your own. Also make certain to assure her that you will work with her on what ever it is that is causing this, she will need a safety net in order to take the plunge of honesty. God bless and good luck.

Answer 10

I hate when people have to go through this...Tell her that you want a divorce just to shake things up and see what her reaction is...You would be shocked.. But honestly, I think that she is seeing someone else.. Once every 6-8 weeks? I can't hold on that long! Sorry.. Yeah, something is going on.... She owes you and answer as to why things between you and not the same as they were.. And tell her not to avoid the conversation...Good Luck!