Please Look at a poem i Wrote?

Question

What do you think of it. Is it good or bad? What do you think the main themes are, any feedback is great because i want to enter it into a competition and i need to see how to improve it first.

This is the poem:

She hides behind normal lies,
The ideas that tear her up inside,
They rip and wrench the pain intense,
She cries for broken ties.

The truth if told would set her free,
But break her spirit as well you see,
For the lies she hides concerns us all,
Its different, Its scary, Its not normal

Her heart is black to men around,
But the light shine on women proud,
Her affection for sin must be kept,
Away from the world that she regrets.

To have affairs with herself,
Not even faithful to the truth,
The truth that burns her soul in hell,
The deamon's hands will take control.

Like a puppet on a string,
She's controlled by other things
The secrets that must be kept,
So that she may be exempt.
Exempt from the world of pain,
That could hav

This is the ends of the poem that didnt copy properly

Exempt from the world of pain,
That could have been displayed,
If the world new her direction,
To the loving rejection.

Hiding in the dark small place,
A closet to the truth,
To come out for the world to see,
Would be the end of sanity.

Answer 1

Good tips from others regarding spellcheck. (Demons not deamons) and you've got to get the subject-verb agreement right in this:
For the lies she hides concerns us all,

You do a bit of the poetic license thing with word order, but you achieve good cadence and rhyme.

I see a gal who hasn't yet come out. Not ever having been in that particular place, I can't identify with her, but I can appreciate her pain.

I also like that you used standard English not colloquialisms in your poem. Colloquialisms only make sense as long as they remain in vogue. Nice touches with the girl's dilemma, not quite stating it out loud, but catching the reflections of what's happening to her.

Answer 2

It sounds like a girl who may be a little tormented by demons she knows are in her life. She seems to be on some path that's destructive to her knowledge....but she's addicted to it all the same, despite it. It also sounds like she actually wants to be free from it, but she can't necessarily control it. She hides behind some secret that shes keeping so apparently everyone may believe something about her isn't true...or at least she's giving them the impression that she believes one thing or is one way...but deep down inside she is another way...or feels another way.
She sounds like she may want to come out of that hesitant state she's in...but there is some fear there...perhaps fear of what people may think of her. Perhaps fear of being an outcast or rejected by people. Because she altogether knows what could and would set her free....yet she believes that if she used that tool (the truth) to set her free....she'd still be hurt...or it may even hurt her more.
She sounds like she's got secret desires for things she knows aren't right...but feels as if she can't help it.
And she sounds most definitely as if she battling with Lesbianism.


I just want to say this....- I think the poem was really good because of the way it was written. I like the style, the flair, and the realness of it.

The only comment I'd like to make is this- People believe that the truth will set you free. Which I also believe is true...but only when you apply it. Further elaboration is needed because when you know the truth...but don't practice it or walk in it.....
It won't benefit your life.
Just like...the truth is...smoking can kill me....but if I still smoke all day long...how can that set me free?
Or biblically speaking (because that saying originated from the bible) the truth is "Whom the Son has set free is free indeed."
But if I'm still choosing to live in blatant sin....then I'm ignoring the fact that Christ has made me free and I'm living in bondage because of sin...then how can I really be free?
I must not be applying the truth of Christ to my life and walking in it.....Because that's what the word of God says about people who have been set free in Christ.
And the one thing that can really set you free....can never hurt you...because that which gives you freedom (true freedom)
is that which will set you free from pain. So how can that which releases you from pain...cause you to endure even more pain at the same time?
It won't.....
Freedom...is freedom from sin...not freedom TO sin...(and freely sin at that.)
That's the reason it would bother so many people to think they would like to be free...but yet if they were to be free...they'd still be hurt....or in bondage to something....and freedom just doesn't do that.

Great poem though.
Thanks for posting

Answer 3

Read this poem of Blunt about USA torture people in Iraq,then decide which one is better.
James Blunt - No Bravery Lyrics

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
Tears drying on their face.
He has been here.
Brothers lie in shallow graves.
Fathers lost without a trace.
A nation blind to their disgrace,
Since he's been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

Houses burnt beyond repair.
The smell of death is in the air.
A woman weeping in despair says,
He has been here.
Tracer lighting up the sky.
It's another families' turn to die.
A child afraid to even cry out says,
He has been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
But no one asks the question why,
He has been here.
Old men kneel and accept their fate.
Wives and daughters cut and raped.
A generation drenched in hate.
Yes, he has been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

Answer 4

Its a very sad poem about a woman who has confusion in her soul is it not?

You did a great job with it perhaps she could find peace in her heart with the truth coming out.

She could find a calmness in her life with the truth of her heart being told....

You did a great job and your words are very eloquent. I think you've done a great job.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

i really like your poem .
just check the spelling before you submit it and your on to a winner . good luck

Answer 6

i wouldn't have shown it on here, someone can steal it...yes its very good...to me..she's hiding something that she is shy/embarrassed about something, but its also something that makes her unique and real.

Answer 7

I think you have to re-write the first part of it.
over all it's nice.

Answer 8

nice poem