Meddling Mother in law?

Question

From my brother-in-law:

My wife has had some mental health issues arise recently due to the onset of severe depression, and she tried twice to take her own life with pills. My wife is now on medication to battle her depression and attends several counseling sessions with various professionals each week.

My mother in law is convinced that my wife's condition is all my fault. She has never approved of me or the way I chose to do things regarding my family. She has tried many times to convince my wife to leave me over any small arguement but my wife always makes the choice to stay.

On my wife's latest visit with her counselor, we were told that her mother had called the counselor and voiced concerns about our relationship, in what I am certain is another attempt to go through others to interfere in my marriage.

Has she overstepped her bounds in not asking at least my wife's permission to speak with her councelor? I don't think my wife needs this. How should I handle this?

Answer 1

Speaking with the counselor, while overstepping her bounds as a parent, is not altogether illegal nor unethical so long as the counselor is not giving any information.

What I see here, as a mental health professional, is that the mother KNOWS she is at the root of your wife's issues (as most mothers are) and she is trying to use every opportunity to put that onto you. Another issue, the speaking with the counselor, is an attempt to convince the counselor of the same thing.

With any luck, you have chosen a competent counselor who is not sharing information and is also not falling for your MIL's story. The good news is that your wife is taking the right steps towards recovery and seems to have her head about her despite her illness, good for her.

My advice, do what you can in setting limits with the MIL and involve your wife. In fact, have this meeting with the counselor and make your boundaries clear. Define what is acceptable/unacceptable and expect her to adhere to it.

I have never had much luck with MIL's, Good Luck

Answer 2

To ask a second opinion (counselor) or and the actual one, to ask some privacy, I mean this problems is a Two problem not a Wife-husband and the wife's mother problem...

If the first option (a new one) tell how you feel about the interfering of the mother-in-law.

And for the real problem, I mean sometimes just the sessions don't help, sometimes is needed to attend practical courses on how to deal with (depression or any name you want) issues. In some cases she would be the one attending it, in others a couple therapy would help.

It depends on how advanced is the problem or the willing of each parts to do something about the problem.

Forget about the aceptance of her mom about you or your family, fortunately you marry her daughter not her, if she doesn't like whatever that's her problem, let her deal or not with it. You only focus on your wife as you do.

Hope the best for you and your wife.

Answer 3

I think your wifes health is the only issue here. Your marriage can be dealt with later when she is healthy. I think at crisis times like this, it is best to "circle the wagons" and rally support from any and all. Who knows? Maybe you are right, maybe the MIL is right? I think it is fine to let all have input and access to the counselor and then leave it the pro to intrepret the facts and what is the best course for your wife. Bottom line, put aside your pride and past bitterness with the mil, have an open mind and trust the counselor to do his/her job. That will help your wife and marriage. good-luck.

Answer 4

Believe it or not your mother in law did you and your wife the biggest favor by making that call. The counsel first of all will not nor did discuss anything with your mother in law. But, now knows what your wife and yourself are dealing with. Therefore she will get better care and a better understanding on how to handle her. Of course your mother in law over stepped her boundaries who kind of person makes a call like that, what answer did she expect to get. Maybe the counselor can refer her to someone in addition to helping your wife.

I would tell your mother in law her behavior was inappropriate
she had no right to call your wife's therapist. You and your wife can work on your marriage with out her help.

Answer 5

Any professional counselor will tell your mother-in-law she can not share any information with her.

The counselor will also ask your mother-in-law if she wants a session she will have to come in as a patient.

As a mother I can understand your mother-in-laws worries.....if it were my daughter who was trying to commit suicide I would be a basket case.

If you can't come to an understanding with her for your wife's sake it would be best to just ignore her......and let the counselor handle the situation.

This is very hard.....and I'm sorry this is happening to you and your wife.

Answer 6

she has definitely overstepped the bounds.she should have waited to have been asked her opinion by wife's councilor,which may have occurred had she waited.however she may have been acting out of fear and desperation .your wife is her child no matter how old she is.and she is fearing for her life.cut every one some slack this time,more drama and problems are sure to stress your wife even more.and that is clearly not good for her.instead focus on your wife and helping her become well.that is a better way of using your energy.not fanning the flames.maybe your love and care for her daughter will change mother in laws opinion of you.if not so be it,you cant please everyone.just love and care for your family.

Answer 7

I do not think the counselor had any business speaking with her and the call should have been ended from the start. How did she know who the counselor was? Maybe the whole family should be in counseling.

Answer 8

Actually, mom-in-law is doing just fine stepping across those boundaries by speaking to your wife's counselor. Let her do it--for its akin to doling out the rope, if you know what I mean.

Be assurred, the counselor IS taking notes--notes that can prove your mom-in-law is a meddler....quite possibly a homewrecker.

And yes: there ARE homewrecker laws in certain states. Wouldn't it be peachy if your state is one of them??? I'd speak to a lawyer on the issue. If legal papers can be served on mom-in-law.....DO IT. Show her instead of telling her she's crossed the line---and can stand to lose PLENTY in civil court if she persists.

Answer 9

well i dont think that counselor should have taken that call. you certainly have a meddling mother in law thats trying to break up your marriage. i hope your wife manages to get over her depression. best of luck to you

Answer 10

You guys need to disown her for a little while if not forever. My mom didn't approve of my sons father when I was pregnant. I disowned her til my son was 4 years old. It worked wonders.