my husband confuses me?

Question

i got married a year ago. i really dont know how to say things without making it sound really bad. we get along well but there are a few things that really bugs me — in march i caught him texting his ex to tell him he loves her. we havent had sex for 5 months. im pretty good at my job but he tells everyone its not a serious career. im confused bec the day to day is fine then he pulls these stunts that are really hurtful. i am a really loving person but lately, i dont even care if he doesnt sleep in the same bed as me. how do i pull myself out of this rut? is there any advice to give me aside from that i should leave him? :'(

thank you so much for your answers. its really nice to know there are caring people like all of you out there! its hard to talk about these kinds of things to people that know my husband and i. i have spoken to him about the texting and he said it was out of habit. i spoke to him about putting me down and how hurtful it is but he said it was a joke. i am beginning to feel that he doesnt really love me and he married me for the companionship bec he is 42. he doesnt have very many friends of his own and i realise that the people he puts me down to are MY friends. maybe its a kindergarten mentality that he wants them to like him more! i spoke to him about this but he denies it. its really hard... thank you for the advice on marriage counselling. i think we really need to give it a shot.

Answer 1

IF you are happy with him or think you could be and if you honestly still love him, then don't leave him.

But, that will only work if he's willing to change and work towards the marriage too. You need to talk to him about all of this stuff. Talk to him about his ex and make sure his feelings for her are gone and that he's sorry. Find out why he says those things about your career and let him know it hurts you when he says things like that. And start having sex again....5 months is a LONG time considering you've only been married for a year.

Think about it this way: Would you really want to stay married to someone who loves someone else, who degrades something that makes you happy, and who you can't be intimate with? You shouldn't leave him, IF things can get better. And only you and your husband can decide that. Good luck.

Answer 2

You need to go back to what first attracted you to him. What made you fall in love with him? Then, sit down with him and talk to him about your feelings. Ask him what can be improved in your relationship. See what can be done about him stopping his texting of his ex. The first year is the most difficult in a marriage 'cause that's when you really start getting to know the person you married. You find out that there are things that bug you...seemingly little piddly things, that start snowballing into a big deal. Communication is key, in any relationship, so get talking & sharing. Find things to do together. Go fishing, camping, swimming, or just take a drive into the country. But spend time together. Put on that slinky nightgown and light some candles. Spray on his favorite cologne. Make his favorite meal. It's my experience that guys have a hard time turning down a wife who's willing to go to all that trouble. Put some spice back into your times together. I don't have to tell you how...you know how. Fight for your marriage. Is he worth it? It sounds like you think he is. What do you have to lose? A few blissful moments maybe, but it's worth the effort, right? I never recommend divorce, though I do recommend separation in the case of physical abuse. No matter how tough it is, it can be worked out, as long as you think there's something worth fighting for. I've just celebrated my 30th anniversary, and can attest to the fact that it's been very difficult and challenging through it all. We've both grown from it all too. I can honestly say that I now know what love is...and isn't. So, try it, you both just might find out that you've fallen in love all over again...with each other. <*)))><

Answer 3

Yes. Research "self-esteem" or "coping.org" and read it over. Then go see a therapist/counselor in your area. Please do not get pregnant whatever you do. Let your husband know that being married or not is a choice he can make, so if he plans to be married, you suggest he get on the ball and make his marriage and you his priority. What is the point of all this? This is not a marriage. This is middle school. The guy left you at the alter. I have no idea why he got married or why you would worry about YOU being in a rut. HE's in a rut and needs to snap out of it, get honest, and act like someone who loves you. The guy is cheating dead out. If that is okay with you, then live happy and prosper.

Answer 4

You need to either talk to him about this, and if you have already tried that then you two need to seek marriage counseling. If he loves you and wants this relationship to work as much as you do then he should be willing to try it. It sounds to me you two have some major issues that need to be worked out. I think that would be a good place to start.

Good Luck, and remember, you cannot have a good relationship without communication and trust. I hope things work out for the two of you. If you get to the point that you feel that you need to leave, don't do it until you feel that you have exhausted all your options first. Too many people these days divorce too quickly.I know with my ex, When it was finally over, I was able to say I tried my HARDEST to make it work. He could never say the same.

Good Luck!!.

Answer 5

I am a good down to earth Kiwi Bloke, married to one woman for 25 yrs with 5 kids 23 to 4

I suggest you grab him by the throat slam him against the wall while holding a set of vice grips near his nether regions and very quietly tell him to sort his sh*t out or this is going to be very painful
I am not perfect, have made mistakes, sometimes the same ones but there is a standard of behaviour that is unacceptable to decent blokes
In the past , while Ann wasnt working if I was asked does your wife work I would say she is not in paid employment because she would looking after the kids , running the house etc etc and as we all know THIS IS WORK, and I am not stupid

Answer 6

Marriage counseling. And quick! He sounds like he likes to play games. It's not your fault you're in this rut. So don't feel bad about it. He's being a jerk and immature. I don't know how old you guys are, but he sounds very young. At least not past 30. Have you let him know how you feel about the things he's done and said? He needs to know you're getting ready to leave. If he doesn't start treating you with respect, I don't blame you for wanting out. But at least try to get him to counseling first to see if you can save your marriage. Good luck.

Answer 7

Doesnt sound like a healthy environment. Texting his ex, putting you down, and not sleeping in the same bed with you. These are the things that you see, what about those things that you dont see? Get out while you still have some dignity.

Answer 8

you need to stop focusing so much on him and focus on you. sweetie apparently he doesnt want to be with you anymore for whatever the reasons are. you do not deserve this treatment from him. as long as you stay he will tear you down to the point of you having no self worth, self esteem and believing that you deserve this treatment from him. I want you to know that you are better than this and you need to leave him only if it is for a while. you need to seek some professional counseling to help you deal with your feelings. you know that you are good at what you do and you dont need to hear that you are not from your supposed to be husband. sweetie you need your sanity and right now at this point you dont have it. leave him and get yourself together mentally. this man is apparently cheating on you also. no sex in five months just got married. sweetie you deserve better than this. please leave before he tears you down to you thinking that you are nothing. which would be so far from the truth. GodBless

Answer 9

have you considered talking to him in a calm and rational manner? or get couselling?
i know a couple who weren't happy together but wouldnt talk about it.
he ended up turning around on day out of the blue and said "i want a divorce".
they had only been married 11 months!!!
i dont know why people get married when they obviously cant communicate effectively with each other.
just talk to him and work it out if thats what you want to do.
just keep an open mind to whatever his response is and remain as calm as possible and hopefully you and your hubby can work this out.
good luck.

Answer 10

This jerk is making you lose your self esteem. Get out of there before you have any children!!! If he is telling his ex this, what do you think he is actually doing? Be proud of yourself if you are doing good in your job. Don;t let him make you feel less of a person. Get out there and find a man that will appreciate you.