How do I get my 16 yr old daughter to concentrate on school and not her boyfriend so much?

Question

My daughter's boyfriend lives out of town, so their only communication is phone and myspace. She is not allowed to call him until after 9 when it is free, but then she is on till one am, unless I catch her. Then she is tired at school, as she leaves at 6:30 am. She is not getting her homework done or her chores either. How do I get her to understand school is more important, whith out pushing her away. Until now, we have had a great relationship.

Answer 1

remind her that colleges look at gpa, not pda!
haha.
inform that although he may seem like the biggest deal, grades and academics will matter more in the long run.
good luck.
:]

Answer 2

I'm tempted to say, you tell me and we'll both know!.
Sorry.

It's tough. Somehow you have to keep the time with her bf to a reasonable level. Which she won't do on her own.

And look at what you buy for her, the money you give her.
You have to give her some, but let her get the feeling that she wants to earn money. If she wants to earn money, she'll need a job.
If she could want money enough to get a part time job, hopefully at minimum pay so that she can see that's not the way she wants to spend the rest of her life, maybe it would help.

Also, you can tell her they did a survey in Teen mag. and the most important thing guys 20-30 wanted in a girl was that she could keep a job. It's true.

Try to go on short trips with her so that she's a 'captive audience, maybe she'll talk to you more then.
Tell her boys are great, (she won't beleive you now if you tell her they're not ) but money is pretty important too. And if she doesn't finish high school and get some college or tech school after that, she's going to be a mom that can't buy things for her kids working at minimum wage.

Pretend she out on her own, has her own apartment. Wow!
Ok, now choose where she'd like to live, find out what apartments go for there, then find a job there, figure out her wages, car payment, insurance, clothes, food, ect.
You just try. And keep trying. It's hard as a parent to compete with boys. And boys don't always have the good of the girl in mind. Be glad he's at a distance.

Answer 3

There never is an easy way to figure this one out. I had the problem X's 3. You have to be firm. Set time limits. Stay on top of it. If she has her own cell phone, take it away. Certain things are not a God given right. That as along as she wants to fail at school, she hasn't earned her priveleges. If she isn't doing her chores, she loses the phone is her room.
She's going to be mad, that is a promise. Stick to your guns. Be consistant. It was my contention that homework gets done if it's done out in the open so I required the kids to keep their books in the living room and homework was done afterschool. Anyone needing help would be able to sit with me after dinner. No passing grades, No chores, equals, no allowance, no private phone time. My rule was, when I went to bed, that phone is considered off Monday through Friday out of respect for other family members that may have to get up in the morning. I would go to bed at 11. Being that I had 3 teenagers, they each could have 1 1/2 hours to themselves on the phone so long as chores were done first. No questions asked. Trust me, there is nothing they can say over the phone for 6 hours that can't be said in 2. If they want to be a good conversationalist they are going to have to live something to have something new to say. As for the computer, weeknights they could use it for homework and do their multi-tasking with IM and myspace so long as they were getting live homework done. But when I went to bed, like the phone, it got turned off.
Did it work?
One would think with all the arguing and "You don't understand me" that was screamed at me that I would fail. But, three HS grads later and thank you for being hard on me during all that. When they saw a number of their friends fail because their parents weren't consistant or were too leniant, I can be proud.
I'm not saying it's going to work for everyone. Just that it worked for me.

Answer 4

I wish I would have stayed away from my boyfriend when I was 16.
[I ended up quitting school.] This is what I wish my mother would have done....
See if you can get a better plan on the phone. Or, most land lines can get a good rate on long distance for about 10 dollars a month.
Be film, but not threatening. That will only cause her to lash out on you. Set up a time where she HAS to do homework, every evening. Make sure she gets it done. Don't let her walk all over you. Make sure she knows you're the parent, and you want what is best for her. Let her now you aren't out to get her. You're a parent before you are a friend. But,
Spend time with her! Go see a movie, go shoe shopping, go to an ice cream shop.
It might not be the easiest thing to do, but make sure she gets her butt in line! She will thank you in the long run.
One more thing, refrain from attacking her boyfriend's personality, or what is wrong with him..

Answer 5

Actually I was that 16 year old a few years ago. I ended up marrying him. The thing I regret is I missed out on a lot in life. In your case, set limits... Tell her she needs to do her chores and homework before calling. You can call the cell phone company(assuming it is a cell) and have her phone turned off at a certain time. This gives her a time frame to be able to call giving her incentive to finish what needs to be done. You need to just sit down with her and have a long talk tell her you support her but do not want to ruin her life as boys come and go. Had my mother done this, I would not have snuck around and we would have a much better relationship. It will be hard at first but she needs to know you are behind her for the right reasons. If you need any more help please feel free to email me.

Answer 6

thats a tough one. well make a new time limit on the phone and computer. she can use the computer to do her homework first. so when she gets home from school, tell her to do her homework, and she may use the computer for only that until she gets done with all home work. and check up on her and check her homework when she gets done. then after that she can get on the computer to chat until 6, 6:30pm or so.when she gets off, she can do her chores and take a shower or what not. by that time she can talk on the phone because its after 9pm. then for the phone, make a limit for an hour at the most. and she will be in the bed at the most by 10:30. she gets everything done and she gets sleep. guys dont talk that much anyways, they can say enough in an hour. the last thing you want to do is make her break up with him. that will make things worse for the relationship you want with her. but i hope this helps. good luck.

Answer 7

you can not worry about hurting her feelings. I am a high school senior applying to colleges and all the college visits really woke me up seeing as I also have a boyfriend who I spent a lot of time Iming and talking on the phone with. I would ask her at night if she has finished her homework or not. Make sure she is at least doing her homework. I would also definaltey start having her/helping her look up colleges and show her what grades they want. Its too late now for me to go back and change my GPA which I'm sure could be a bit higher.
At the same time, I am still with my boyfried who I was with at 16 and we have been together for 2 years while he now attends school 7 hours away. So, you do not want to discourage the boyfriend either. I know no parent likes a bf at first, but it is really important for her to be able to talk to her bf. I think not being able to talk after 9:00pm might be a bit extreme. I mean, I'm not normally finished HW before 10:00pm and like you said, I have to be up by 6:00am.
Somehow you have to find a balance between being on her about HW + chores, but making sure she isn't being too suffocated about her bf. I think college will also help her gain more initiative on getting better grades.
I know, thats tough. I hated my mom for it but that is normal. Don't feel bad if she resents you at times. When I was 16 all my mom and I did was fight for no reason at all. Just focus on doing your job and later on you'll be friends when you don't have to parent her so much. These years are gonna be fun for you :-)

Answer 8

I just want to say that all these people keep going from one extreme to the other. In any case, I will say that ripping away all contact with him will probably drive her to rebel and run closer to him. My sister ended up moving in with her boyfriend at 16 and pregnant with his baby at 17. All because my mother wouldn't accept their relationship AT ALL. I don't think that the two of you have progressed to that point, thankfully. As for what to do, I would suggest possibly a trade off. Agree that she can do as she likes (aka her current behavior) on Friday and Saturday nights. The rest of the week, they can have an hour. I would also suggest looking at having her do some volunteer work once a week to "earn her phone" since the time limit insinuates that she uses a cell phone. Plus, getting her into activities like that will show her that there are things other than the BF and myspace. I would also suggest removing her computer from her room. I remember being 16 with a computer- I was looking at X rated stories and websites and having cyber sex with random men and women online just because I could. And I did that with a computer in the living room (my parents went to bed earlier than me). And, volunteering will help her later with college.

Answer 9

Do NOT allow her to call him except on weekends! You are the parent - not her! Make sure she does all of her homework immediately after getting home from school. Then she can do chores and help you get dinner together. After dinner, more chores and then off to bed - preferably at 9pm.
She's only 16 - she should not even be thinking about boys until she's at least 18!

Answer 10

I can't tell you how to discipline her but I'll tell you how I do it to my 15 and 12 year olds. They are not allowed to use the Internet or the phone after 9pm (10pm with extra good behavior) on school nights and 11pm (12 -1 am with extra good behavior) on weekends. They are also not allowed to have those privileges until all homework and chores are done. You can't imagine how fast they can finish their responsibilities. They are doing better in school and they wake up at 6am. If they are late turning in the phones, they don't get to use it the next day. I do check the cell bill and check the day and time. I also look at my home phone bill.

Answer 11

By the time a child is a teen their schoolwork is THEIR responsiblity. If she fails she fails and she will have to face the consequences of doing so. The world won't come to an end but there are things that might serve as a "wake up call".

Employers don't hire highschool students if they have failed any of their classes.
It costs more money to add a student who failed highschool courses on a parent's auto insurance and no insurance company will carry a student who has failed in highschool alone.
Full time employers DO check a prospective employees education record and if they failed to get their diploma it is more difficult to be hired. If they have a GED that is a step in the right direction but if it were between someone who actually graduated highschool and someone who failed and then got their GED the graduate would come out ahead.
It is more difficult to get into a 4 year college and usually after failing courses in highschool one will have to go to a two year college first in order to qualify for acceptance into a 4 year college...They don't give scholarships to those who fail in highschool and studen loans are just as equally as difficult to get if highschool grades were less than "average".

So let her make her own mistakes and make her face the consequences of them. When she turns 18 you are no longer under obligation to be responsible for her, you can impress that upon her, you can actually "kick" her out of the house at that time if you so choose. Sometimes that's what you have to do.

As far as the cellphone, if you're paying for it have it shut off and tell her if SHE wants one to pay for her own phone and her own plan.