What to do when parents have massively different views on baby care?

Question

This is a spin-off question from my original "circumcision" question. I realized recently, after the good answers I got, that it isn't just circumcision. My wife and myself have completely different views about baby care and we are both passionate about them, to the point of it causing some major problems within the relationship. Our baby is due around Christmas. A lot of the stuff we can try to settle later on, but I a trying to figure out what to do in this situation.

My wife has the views of, everything that doctors do is just to make money. So, she is on all of those "fringe" websites. (as I call them). Her views, NO vitamin K orally, NO vaccines, cloth diapers only, NO bottles (Ever), NO circumcision and she is doing all natural birthing.

Issue is, well, my biggest concerns right NOW is the no Vitamin K and no vaccines. I highly disagree with that, and I have done the research into it, about how they "cause" autism. I don't buy it, but we are headed for a divorce.

I had to add more, since their isn't enough room. he other stuff, cloth diapers, no bottle for 7 months, and etc, that is no issue. New mom, If she can handle it, no problem. I have experience, she doesn't, so I know that not having any regular diapers in the house is a bad idea. At least she go off the "no" diaper plan, where you judge their facial expressions and take them to the toilet...

Ok, so Vitamin K (orally) and your regular vaccines we disagree on. She claims they cause Autism and are too much for a childs system. The websites can't really back up the data, other than citing a misprint in the NY Times.

So, in my views, this is putting the health of our kid at considerable risk by not getting him vaccinated. She feels the same way, citing that he is more likely to get Autism. So, what do we do here. She doesn't trust doctors, and we are to the point of we just don't talk anymore.

Thats what I said your boob can't be around for months, you will want to get the kid to grandmas as much as possible :) The real issue though, is vaccines, she can change her bottle stance later on, same with diapers and all that other stuff. A lot of moms go in with a great plan, but, this is over done. and we just fight over it now.

As far as facts, you can find as much stuff on the net that proves vaccines are wrong vs stuff that says they are good. So hard fight when she has so much firepower, even if it is nonsense.

@JD - Thanks, unfortunately, the midwifes and birth class instructor are all on her side, it is quite a large movement.

Oh, we had discussed it before marriage and we were on the same page, however, after she got pregnant, she started the 20 hours a day of surfing the net, which massively changed her views. To me, it feels like one of us has to live with something that we feel very strong about, thus that is what is causing the fighting.

I need to add in that I am not forcing "all" vaccines. I would like to see them all done, but, some of them aren't needed right away, like Hep B. However stuff like DTaP I do want. I have known people with tetanus, not something you want. AS far as Hep B, we do travel a lot, I didn't have it when I was born (not sure it was available?). However, I was forced to have them in order to travel. So, their is give & take on some vaccines, the "argument" is that she is for NO vaccines. I would think DTaP would be the most important in a child at the least, they get cut, scratched and end up in odd places. He will also be exposed to remote areas (grandparents are big hikers & nature people), So a lot of interaction with nature in very remote areas, plus, we travel world-wide a LOT with work. So, I do have real reasons, this isn't a case where the kid will be at the same place for several years. However, no vaccines, both have to stay at home, valid argument.

Answer 1

Maybe you should sit down with her and talk facts; the more she knows, and you as well, the more you can work towards meeting in the middle.

Me and my fiance have different views on these things at times, but by rationally sitting down and speaking without being opinionated, just factual, we've come to many agreements. Times are different now, and as the natual birthing is a great choice (speaking from experience) and so are the cloth diapers and no bottles, the Vitamin K issue and vaccine issues are very different and a little more serious. Vaccines are important, and you should sit with her and talk to her about it. The benefits definitely outweigh the risks!

Answer 2

I don't know what to say, that's tough if she's changed her views so much if you already discussed it. I agree with her on some things especially circumcision but I agree with you about (most) vaccinations. I do think some of them are necessary but others not so much. Maybe you could both do a little extra research, or look at the same research together and discuss how you feel about it? And see how it seems? I think a lot of anti-vaccination stuff is the same as pro-circumcision stuff, to be honest. Exaggerated claims, not thinking of greater risk, etc.

I guess I could suggest therapy? But that seems a bit of a bad idea. I guess the best thing to do is just see how it goes when the baby comes? You might both make compromises at that stage, especially on the cloth nappy front I suspect. (BTW if she wants them she should clean them.) And don't rub it in if one of you gives in. Other than that things won't be nice for the kid when it grows up and you divorce, she gets the main choice and then you both have custody and raise it completely differently at different times.

Answer 3

I understand that your wife will feel terrible for circumcising her son. I would too. Can you compromise on that and ask her to compromise on the vaccines? As far as vitamin K, why not see what happens at birth and judge then? I question its necessity. It turns out that lots of babies are being born all over the world without these shots and they're fine.

As far as I'm concerned, cloth diapers are regular diapers and disposables are for emergencies. Yuck. Don't worry, though. Someone will give them as a gift.

Bottles suck (no pun intended). You have to wash them! Who would choose to do that? I'm far too lazy for bottles, formula or pumping. It's so much easier to just breastfeed. how often do you think she'll be leaving baby with grandma and for how long?

You need to find a mediator--a social worker, psychologist, clergy or whomever you can be comfortable with. Just be patient with her and remember that the need to protect her baby is something that your wife can't control. I know that you feel protective, too, but trust me when I say it's different for your wife. She has this inner drive to be the mama bear right now. Respect it and show that you care equally, you just have different ideas and priorities. And if you truly want to solve this, stop bashing her ideas. Again, trust me. I've been here too. My husband joined the Army so he's been gone for 18 months of the last two years and it's been easy to make changes. You'll have to deal differently, but you can find a compromise.

Answer 4

When parents disagree, you go with the default. What is most in line with the way humans evolved to care for their infants? Discarding the latest "modern" ideas, how would cave mama care for her baby? There's your answer. This is instinctual for your wife, and she has found data to back up her instincts. Are you operating from instinct, or from a cultural bias?

So here's what happened with my husband and me. He thought we had to do all these things because "everybody does them." I, however, took a more conservative view. I told him we were staying as close to the natural "default" for human offspring, and if he could find compelling research to sway me that departing from the biological norm I would acquiesce and go the mainstream route. I did my research, he was unable to find information that he felt confident in using to make his case, so he dropped it.

Not that he cared, but we don't use paper diapers (I wanted to EC, but was too overwhelmed after the c-section) it is not such a hassle to use regular diapers, I just did 2 more loads of laundry, no big deal.

As for vaccines. What are you most afraid of your child contracting? Vaccines can be indefinitely postponed. Your child will not be in danger from these diseases right away, especially if he is breastfed. He won't be using IV drugs or having unprotected sex, so HepB is not necessary, which is the main one they give at birth. i don't really care about the alleged autism link, i am not putting all that crap in my newborn's body, when i can defend his immune system in less harmful ways. Do you know the occurance rates in your area of the various diseases they have vaccines for? if their is no Polio going around, it can wait until your child needs to leave the country. If there are frequent measles outbreaks, go to your wife with the statistics and tell her your concerns with FEELING! "Honey I'm worried about our baby because 3 kids dies of measles a block over" sounds better than "why do you believe that hippy crap?" IYKWIM?-)

Do you know why they give VitK? Its so the baby doesn't bleed out when someone cuts his penis. Even though i would NEVER have genital surgery done on a newborn, we did an herbal, oral VitK (mostly to keep DH happy:-), would she do that?

My kids NEVER took bottles, no big deal. Grandparents can wait for a year or so. Baby= fake nipple is a relatively new concept (within the last 150 years).

Answer 5

Wow this is tough. I feel the vitamin K is important as are vaccines. You'll really need to sit down and talk about it because it is your child together. I guess my biggest question is why wasn't this all talked about before you got married? Im not meaning to be a jerk. I accidentally got pregnant and luckily we have allot of the same views. The thing is its your child as well. You really need to compromise. Let go of the circumcision but hold firm to the vaccines and vitamin K. Remember its your baby 2 and you have a say as well. Hope it works for you guys.

Also try having her midwife or doctor sit down and talk to you guys about all these topics. As well a councler sounds like it might be needed in this situation.

Answer 6

She will be able to feed her baby without bottles and birth naturally, but no vaccines and no vitamin k is a totally different issue. Maybe you should suggest a consultation with a pediatrician (let her choose). Sit down and discuss the pros and cons of vaccines.

I have a son who has Asperger's (a mild form of autism), and I do not completely blame the vaccines. My husband and I have traits comparable to autism, but neither of us fully meet the criteria. My opinion is that the cause is most likely genetic (maybe with environmental factors attributing to the onset).

Having said that, I chose to vaccinate my two younger children because I feel that vaccinations are extremely important. The mercury level of today's vaccines (as opposed to those given five years ago) is virtually non-existent. The flu shot contains the highest levels of mercury (I choose not to get flu shots for my children).

Try to speak with your wife concerning one issue at a time, and speak calmly. Consider the pediatrician visit, and if things continue to get worse, see a counselor to help you work through your different viewpoints. Good luck.

Answer 7

Vaccines have been talked about on the news recently and they said you should get them and they can be hard on their system if they are too young, they just want you to wait. I don't understand cloth diapers, I can only understand that it would be worse for the baby because regular diapers absorb more. I don't understand no bottles either, I would want the baby to be breast fed as a baby but I can't imagine a reason why she could never use a bottle. I think she is going too far, I hear stories about people like that all the time, it's sad, they refuse medical treatment for different reasons and they are stubborn, I heard one recently that was like that and patient was paralyzed because they refused treatment. I could never marry someone like that but I hope things work out.

Answer 8

I think that whoever is doing the work should be able to choose mostly how to go about that. The cloth diapers, no bottles, all natural birthing is not going to harm him. The other things hopefully can be compromised on. I believe that circumcision is a good choice. Maybe waiting on vaccinations until he or she is two years old or so. That is supposed to lower the risk of autism and sids. Compromise is everything. Not everything will be your way and not everything will be her way. Talk to her about what is really important to you or what could cause you to worry. Make priorities about your issues. The best thing for your child is to have his/her parents together, not whether cloth diapers were used. I hope that you can work it out and enjoy your child together.

Answer 9

Well, this is a problem. You SHOULD have hashed all this out before the marriage.

Something to keep in mind . . . if you do divorce, likely she'll have primary custody, and the baby won't get the VK and vaccines ANYWAY.

You two need to go in for some marriage counseling. You two have to learn to negotiate with each other. You've got WAY too many issues that are more important to you, than keeping your marriage together.


**yes, you can get by without bottles. you basically have to give up your life, LOL. My first two nursed every 1 1/2 hours around the clock for the first FOUR MONTHS. And if the baby isn't going to daycare or school, ie, being exposed to crowds (like church, or the mall, or the doctor's office full of sick kids), then the vaccinations can wait until 6 months before you start daycare/school/church/malling. Except, IMO, for the DPT.**

Answer 10

i don't know what is wrong with your wife. may be cause is her first baby. but i have 4 and yes i always breast fed but alternating with bottle because if you only breast fed you wont do anything around the house hey always want to be on the breast trust me i know. about the circumcision i didn't see the ? but my children are all boys and none of them are circumcise. they don't need it.but vaccine yessssssssss they need it. and hep b if he doesn't get now he had to get it eventually. i had mine at 28 and it hurts more why not get it all over now. it is to protect your child. they need it and nothing happen tell your wife to wake up. i understand that doctors yes sometime they just want money but hello think when your child is a toddler and you have to run to the emergency room because he fell and broke his head open thinkkkkkkkkkkkkk