i have had this friend since high school, about 10 years now, he is a mutual friend of mine and my boyfriend and he has been around us and our (now) 9 year old daughter since she was born. he even visited her in the hospital. he loves her.
not unusual that 1 day he offered to watch her while me and her dad went out for a while and the next day, the friends mom called me, frantic that he was with her that late at night. she said that i have to be more careful who i have around my young daughter, which i 100% agree but he is like "uncle" to her. she said i dont know what goes through his head and i shouldnt trust him. no grown man should spend all night with a young girl like that.
when i came home, they were asleep, he was on the couch and she was laying on the side of him right next to him. i feel confident that he would never do that but since then i have been having nightmares about her being molested.
should i keep him away, does she know something i dont know about him???
2007-10-25 09:38:55 · 19 answers · asked by not the usual.. 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
the reason i asked this question here is i notice that i can get the more experience people with real life knowledge and i appreciate that.
2007-10-25 09:39:59 · update #1
Your daughter is beginning to change. Politely keep him away. It maybe just a family type love and if so he will understand.
2007-10-25 09:45:03 · answer #1 · answered by Opps 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most of the time a child gets molested, its by a "uncle" or close friend of the family. I personally trust no one alone with my daughter except for my husband or my mother. It's definately putting your daughter in a vulnerable position that could easily be avoided. Don't wait until its too late. What about when your daughter begins to get breasts and go through puberty? A man is a man, and this one isn't even related to her. Sometimes men with even good intentions get tempted by a young pretty female ( yes its sick but its true) and your daughter already trusts him. I would protect my daughter and keep her away from older men unsupervised.
Source: Registered Nurse and mother of a little girl
2007-10-25 09:55:38 · answer #2 · answered by Brittney 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, being that the friends MOM called and expressed this concern, I think you should take heed. Maybe she knows something about him that you don't, and maybe she doesn't want to put his business out there either but felt like it was her obligation to give you a heads up. Now, if this was someone else giving the advice I would be more relaxed it, but for me his MOM giving you the warning is making all the difference. Now here is something else you might want to consider, most abusers are in the family or a close family friend. So just because he is like an uncle to her and she has known him all her life doesn't put him in the clear. It's just the opposite. But I think going forward, just be very careful, and talk to your daughter about appropriate and inappropriate touching. So that she is informed and so hopefully if something does happen she will tell you. Also, examine her while you bathing her( on the sly of course) and make sure nothing looks unusual. Heres a true story that you may be able to relate to, my bf and I have been bf since we were in grade school and now I am in mid- thirthies, thick and thin together and we still are. Well, she and her mother had a strange relationship to say the least. But who doesn't at times! Well, at any rate her mom always says slick things about her, like you better be careful you know she's a liar, or you know how selfish she is,blah blah blah. You get my drift. And yes I have notice her flaws over the years but their was never anything major that she had done to me or anyone else that I knew about. So I usually chalked up the mothers advice, as her expressing her issues with her as just spitefulness. Well, this same friend was getting married and initally she asked to be her maid of honor, which I was more than happy to do. Well, I brought the dress which was $800.00, I had it fitted and everything, I paid for the accessories, the whole nine. Well, she decided at the last minute that she wanted her soon to be sister in law to be the maid of honor out of respect for her soon to be hubbie( he and the sister were very close) Well, the problem was she neglected to tell me until the wedding rehearsal that things had changed. She said that she forgot bc of all the stuff she caught up in getting prepared for the wedding. I didn't believe her bc I just didn't think that you could forget something that big! ( I still don't know if I believe her) As you can imagine I was furious to say the least, bc I had at that time spent over $1500.00, not to mention my feelings were some what hurt that I wasn't going to be the maid of honor and that someone she wasn't near as close to was. All I could hear going thru my mind was all the things her mother said. How she was selfish, how she was a liar, and so forth. Long story short, yes we are still friends but I still have a sore spot in my heart about that. Because I am not sure whether it was an honest mistake or whether it was easier for her to disregard my feelings and my money than tell me the truth. SO the point I am trying to make is, in your situation you can't be to sure. BC GOD forbid something did happen, you might not be able to forgive yourself for ignoring his mothers advice.
2007-10-25 10:14:25 · answer #3 · answered by Mrs.G-unit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should always be careful with who you let around your child...especially when they are alone...Most people who are raped or molested have it happen with someone they know..not a starnger....BUT
Does that mean you should suddenly cut him out of your life or not let him see her? NO....Your friend just wants you to be cautious.....I would keep my eyes open but I wouldn't suddenly accuse him. He probably loves her just like an uncle should...I'm sure there is no problem but don't be ignorant to that fact that it can happen.
Talk to your daughter, don't straight out accuse him but do a little investigation ANYTIME you leave her with someone....
Ask her what they did, what games they played, if she had a good time? Things like that...Just like you would if she was with a babysitter or at a friends house that you didn't know very well.
Ask the friends mom why she was sooo frantic....be honest. Tell her that she scared you. Tell her that you are having nightmares now because of how she reacted. She should be able to calm your fears or...if there is a reason why she was so frantic, then I'm sure she'll explain. You'll know once you talk to her.
You can even nonchalantly bring it up to him as well.....like saying " You know...it's so funny. the other day your mom totally freaked out that you were watching my daughter....I don't know why....but it was really weird"...laugh it off and see what his reaction is....see how he responds...does he seem nervous, worried, etc...or does he react normally?
Do some investigation, check it out, talk to everyone, and you'll figure it out yourself.
2007-10-25 09:53:31 · answer #4 · answered by surat108 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Ok, so HIS Mom called you... Creepy! His own Mother has a problem with it, maybe you should too. Not saying that he will touch her, but I wouldn't leave him alone with her ever again... that is for sure! Like an uncle and being one are two different things. Keep a CLOSE eye. I understand that you don't want to think that way, about someone who is that close and such, but could you ever forgive yourself if he did end up doing something? Just think about that next time you want to leave him alone with her... I'm not saying he would, but if it happened, and you had full warning at an earlier date....
SCARY!! and might I add CREEPY!
2007-10-25 09:54:21 · answer #5 · answered by Beatngu 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would have another chat with your friends mum and just see if there were any reasons for her saying that. She may well be trying to protect your friend as well. Afterall, youngsters have been known to suggest things that don't sound too good. On saying that, I personally wouldn't leave my child with a man even if I knew him well. Most of the men I know wouldn't want to be near a child that isn't their own and find other peoples children very annoying. Child molesters are often rather keen to spend time with children (obviously). Its difficult not to have suspicions but I would rather err on the side of caution myself.
2007-10-25 09:52:25 · answer #6 · answered by AUNTY EM 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, do you trust your friend or not? It's not like there's a pedophile inside every man waiting for the right moment to break free and start molesting children. People who do that have problems. They don't just become overwhelmed with temptation. Hopefully you know this guy well enough to be able to determine for yourself if he is safe to have around your child.
Additionally, it is a bad idea to teach children to fear all grown men.
2007-10-25 09:55:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me get this straight...the guy in question, his mom...calls you up with negative comments about him staying with your daughter?? Very weird. Disturbing. Should you trust him? I don't know. I do know that a sicko can reside in anyone. It can be a relative and a friend. It can be a brother or a husband. Use your instincts on this one. How much are you willing to gamble on your child's innocence? And make sure you talk to her...really talk to her and keep the communication open. I never told my folks until well into my twenties and I harbor resentment as to why they failed to protect me adequately. Don't accuse him of anything but make sure she knows and trusts you to come to you with anything. I wish you all the best. Sincerely.
2007-10-25 09:51:03 · answer #8 · answered by mummy heffalump 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First I would talk to my daughter to see what they did. i would not alarm her in any way. But you need to try to see if anything happened. Once you do that then I would talk to him and try to see why his Mom does not think that he should be trusted with your daughter. Pray about it before you do it. I am always careful about who I leave my kids with and I have never left my daughters with a man while I go out on a date. It's not that I don't have a problem with it, its just that I don't trust everyone and to keep all confusion down I don't do it.
2007-10-25 09:55:43 · answer #9 · answered by Sunshyne 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Think very carefully about this. His mother called you and told you to be careful who you let around your daughter. I'm not saying that he is, but if his own mother is giving you vague warning then you should pay attention.
Also know that the majority of people who are molested are molested by family and friends. NOT by a strangers. Molesters are creatures of opportunity.
2007-10-25 09:43:48 · answer #10 · answered by Poppet 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
let me tell you something, I WAS RAPED REPEATEDLY BY MY OWN FATHER SINCE I WAS 5 YRS OLD! he finally stopped when i was 15, i never told anyone until now, i say HELL NO, NEVER LEAVE THE KIDS WITH A MAN! OR EVEN A WOMAN THAT YOU DONT KNOW!!! and honey, another thing, people like my father are much closer than you think.
the closest people can be the most dangerous ones!!!!!
PS.
i have 3 lil girls and a lil man, i told my hubby what happend to me and for that reason i dont fully trust him just for the fact of being man
2007-10-25 09:55:46 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋