How do you tell something that may hurt feelings?

Question

I am going through a divorce and need to know how to tell my "husband" how his actions have impacted me. In order for me to move on and get the closure that I need, he needs to listen to me. I can't even get one sentense out of "you did something wrong" before he blows up and yells at me. How do I start a conversation along those lines so that he will actually listen to me and allow me to finish my sentence?

Answer 1

Defensive people love to act the way your husband does, and believe me when i tell you, he won't listen, so don't waste your breath... he will probably rationalize all of his actions away, make excuses or blame someone else, somewhere!

A better approach would be to start sentences with "I FEEL...." instead of "YOU DID this or that...." But like i said, if he blows up, what is the use?

If you are having issues with the problems you faced during your marrige, think about keeping a journal... explore the NEW YOU.... figure out what you don't want to be around anymore.....

And you can always talk to a therapist.

Sometimes it's best to make a clean break. Your ex husband will probably repeat the same actions with the next woman, expecting different results -- that is the definition of insanity.

We can't set someone else straight. The individual really needs to take a good look into the mirror and change the things which are "wrong"....

Answer 2

Write him a letter, this way he can read it over and over until it penetrates his brain. I know you want closure, but in most all divorce cases it took both partners who contributed towards the break up. I know this hurts to hear and you may have contributed without even ill intent or even without knowing. I feel this is where your closure should begin, for you to face inwards and be honest on how you made your share of the mistakes. To do this takes courage and it can be painful, but this way you will learn from your mistakes and will not carry that baggage into a next relationship. After all, I bet you already know in your heart all the ways your ex husband has hurt and disappointed you. Let that go. Work within yourself for healing. I know, I have been in the same situation myself when me and my ex husband were divorced. Now I could not care less to the point I hold no grudges against him. Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

I have found myself in situations growing up where all I wanted to do was tell my father how I felt... but after one sentence, he would speak his peace and I would never be able to tell him anything.

I agree with the first answerer that sometimes, the best approach is with a letter. It will give you a chance to make sure you are conveying exactly what you want to say... and then he can read it all at once or in bits and pieces and react however he wishes without cutting you off mid-sentence. Once his anger subsides, he can reread it with a clear mind as well if he chooses. And then again...your words may not matter one bit to him. In that case, you know you said your peace and you can let it go. I wish you all the best and hope all goes well for you!

Answer 4

"You did something wrong," is accusatory....it may be true to you and him, but it's like poking at a hibernating bear or knocking down a honeybee comb with a broom.

You are getting divorced and I understand that you need closure, not only for yourself, but for the whole process in general.

Try approaching it from this angle: "I feel that when you....."
"It hurt me to the point of no return when this and this happened." You might get further with that approach and even though you may be finished with him, he obviously is still in denial about what went wrong, just remember, it takes 2 going in and divorcing out.

Good luck :)

Answer 5

Well, are you wanting to rectify and avoid the divorce? Who is pushing the divorce through?

Understand that divorcing is usually not the ample time to tell someone how they made you feel. Divorces are not usually communication times: hence the divorce itself.

Regarding the manner in which you are asking, you seem to start your statements in a blaming way. "you did something wrong" will for the most part, always cause defensiveness in anyone.

I would suggest you read a few good reads on how to properly communicate. Don't forget the basic rule of thumb when expressing how someone affected you in some way.
When you _____ it made me feel _____, it would make me feel ________ if you did ____________ instead.

Answer 6

I can understand you need to be heard. I endured a horrible marriage and went through a divorce, so "been there / done that.

However, do not count on your husband listening, because my ex-wife surely did not. And if you really want a divorce and know you're heading in the right direction, move on. Probably the jackass will realize when it is too late - long after there is anything he can do about it.

Answer 7

I was much the same way after my divorce, but the cold hard fact is: you may never get that closure. You may never get to say everything you want to say to him. I agree with the idea of writing him a letter. If you decide to send it, you can, or if not, you can just get all that out of your heart and get the best closure you can.

It was hard for a long time without that purging of feelings, but in all honesty, I am glad I never got to. I never realized how much power over my own feelings I gave him. It has done me more good to cope with feelings on my own and grow from them rather than to confront him. So, my advice would be look at yourself, and work on who you want to be for yourself, not making him see what he has done to hurt you.

Answer 8

Sorry your man cannont handle "you did something wrong'. I am always glad to hear my wife tell me I did something she didn't like that way I don't have to hear her complain the next time I do the same thing. If you are getting divorced then you really don't need closure. If he did stuff you didn't like just let it go it is in the past. When your divorce is final that will be all the closure you need.

Answer 9

I would def say write a letter. This is the form of communication i used when i am having no luck expressing myself do the other person not listening. Just start off with the letter saying that you have tried to explain these things before but when you do he yells at you. I hope this may help you and good luck with your situation!! :)

Answer 10

If you feel he is the blow up and yell type I would write it. If thats his type then that is what will happen no matter how you start the conversation. Now if you feel it has to be said face to face (which it probably should) then just be prepared for him to blow up and keep yourself strong not to argue back. Hear him out also then finish what you need to say. That is all you can do..