my daughters 14... she has a new friend whos 17 and a boy!do i forbid her seeing him?

Question

my daughters just had her 14th birthday, a friend of hers introduced her to her cousin, whos a 17 yr old boy, they have been spending time together, not alone.
she says nothinks going to happen as they know hell be arrested plus shes not ready. they just want to be friends.
i asked her to bring him to see me, so we could chat. he came the next day. i pointed out the worries i was having regards to their ages and asked his intentions.he says he just want to see her as friends as they both enjoy each others company. ! he respects her .i said im not happy but i will trust my daughter to make they right choices, and HIM ,,when deep down i want him to back away, why would a 17 yr old want to hang out with a 14 yr old.
when they first met he thought she was 18 as she looks alot older then she is,
im worried if i say stay away from my daughter she will rebell and they will meet in secret. in lives with a friend plus friends mum, works , goes to collage doesnt do drugs, has motorbikes !!

Answer 1

I think you can't stop her from being friends because she would rebel against it and it will just get them closer together because good friends develope after hardships.

Answer 2

I know it's hard seeing your daughter and this 17 year old but first thing - don't ban them from seeing each other. She will grow up to resent you and most likely keep seeing him anyway. It's not actually an uncomman thing - I know alot of seventeen year olds who date fourteen year olds. Unfortunately, it's mainly because they're 'easy'. If you have an honest, open relationship with your daughter, you'll know if she's seeing him. If you don't, you need to sit her down and have a chat. It may be that it is all innocent, and he does want to be friends with her and likes her as a person - trust your instinct though. This guy may be different to the way I'm imagining him - if you have a gut feeling he's bad news, tell your daughter. Make it clear you're only looking out for her and just don't want to see her hurt. It may be that you're looking too far into it - I do that with things that are really little and they come out looking so big. Talk to her and go from there.

Answer 3

If it wasn't him it would be someone else. It is normal for girls to start showing an interest in boys around this age. And although he seems so much older, he is only three years older.
Being a parent we are always keen to know what our kids are doing and think we know what is best for them. And yes if you grounded her from seeing him, she would quite likely see him anyway. Or she may rebel in other ways. If you made it impossible to see him then there are plenty more boys that she could be interested in,and they could be worse. Would you really be happier if he was 14 or 15? Because they can be just as much to worry about. They can do anything that 17 year old boys can do.
I would definately stick with being there for her as well as educating her on what the right choices are. By setting great examples,and let her know you want what is best for her. Not by imprisoning her or banning her from growing up. Make sure she is aware of certain facts of life such as her body,sexual health,contraception etc etc. Not that she will go and do anything.But if she is not educated on the facts of life and realise that sex means possible diseases and pregnancy, then she is more likely to make bad choices.
It is normal you are worried but be there and guide her don't control her or stop her from being a kid growing up.
Best wishes,,once we are parents our days of worry never stop do they!!

Answer 4

Whats the problem?

17 and 14 year olds are pretty much into the same stuff bar say alcohol

And at some point between now and 18 your daughter will become sexaul most likly in the next year and a half and thats all aspects ie oral, hands down pants the works.

its called making love.

If this guy is nice and things work out that way is it not better with him then somone her age who is an ashole and would push her to not use condoms or be into drugs or gangs and killing others and mugging people?

Should a fourteen year old be having sex ? no... however if they did would rather as safe as possible so being realisitic taking hormones into account would have her on some form of long term contrception like depro injections , implants, patch, nuva ring and getting her treating this as the norm not waithing till startes getting sexaul.

Thats like your first swim lesson after you fell off the pier into deep water.

She aint all inncoent abny more... nor fully gorwn adult and neither is he.

Girls mature faster then boys. And get more experience as they can... ie guys do most chatting up.


If you pull them aprt you push them together and things get messy.

Far better you let them be together but ideally around you.

With ground rules... ie making out to be done at home when you are around. (this way you can influence and keep things slower and its safer) combined with you now taking care of her contrception...


think better to have something and not need it then need it and not have it.


Oh and guys are far more sensitive then girls. Easily hurt and all that.


Whats important is first times, kisses, snogs, second and their base and first sex all go happy, snuggly, ideally not a one night stand and having taken time to work through foreplay and semi sexaul stuff ie bjs... long before going all the way.

And the soppyfriend stuff before.


As you said they may just be mates... if it goes further better with best mate. its going to happen most likely within the next 1 1/2.


So get to know him... so you like a mum figure to him too.

Point out that hes older but she is younger... that you dont want them getting too sexaul too early. Not as its bad but to avoid her getting hurt and not ready.

So no more then second base for a year, then 3rd base for half a year.

And forget the oh hes older he must want her for sex.

Thats total horse poop.

People like those with stuff in common.

Answer 5

I am 13 year old and i hang out with boy that are 15 or 16 that are at my school. They are OK, but unless he is a trouble makers don't worry all they want to be is closes friend and that it. He like her as a friend and she likes him as a friend and that the closes thing they would ever be. He mite be older but not all older boys are trouble makers there are some nice older boys out there and not all older boy would want sex with younger girls and than run away there is some that will look after girls and there babies. Think how much different between you and your boyfriend or husband. My mum is over protective sometime and i say that you are the same age as my real dad but there 4 years between you and my step dad and that is true.

Answer 6

If you ban them from seeing each other then your daughter will most likely rebel against you.
I would have a speak with your daughter and tell her your concerns. I can understand your worries BUT he sounds like a decent chap. He came to see you as you requested and he knows how you feel. Many lads these days would not have bothered to turn up and meet you.
Trust them and believe they really do enjoy each others company. It is only a 3 year age gap. Sounds like both are being sensible and know the dangers.
Invite him round more often so you can keep a distant eye on them. If he feels welcome in the family then you will also get to know him better. In turn your daughter will know you trust them both.

Answer 7

Don't ban her - you're right, they will still find a way.

Remember that 17 year old boys, aside from what's going on in their trousers, are only about as mature as 14 year old girls on the whole, so the age gap will feel okay to them.

I would have clear rules. Group dates, never alone in either home, bedroom doors left open at all times. Tell her you're not happy, but he seems okay, so you're going to trust her, within those rules.

If you can, speak with the boys mum and get her to uphold the same rules. Afterall, she doesn't want her son's life wrecked by being a dad too young.

This will quite likely be over before you know it, but it will set the scene for every future boyfriend, until she is old enough to have a meaningful relationship.

Try to be a fun mum, with clear boundries. Hopefully she'll behave appropriately and love you all the more for the support with protection.

Answer 8

I think its ok, just dont let them be alone until she's older. I'm 14 and my best friend is a guy and he's almost 17. Dont tell her she can't be friends with him or she will rebell. Just give a couple weeks and see how things go. As long as he isn't into drugs and is a good kid I think it'd be ok. They could easily have things in common, 3 years isn't that big of a difference. Both are in highschool and probably going through the same things. Just calm down I'm sure everythings fine. He talked to you, which shows he's probably a good kid and isn't trying to hide anything.

Answer 9

I think you are handling it just right. Try to be too heavy handed and you are liable to cause problems.

You have to accept that your daughter is mature enough not to do anything stupid.

Many years ago I had friends in the same situation. The boy was 3 years older. Just before her 16th birthday her father caught them in bed and had the boy charged. He did time. She moved out on her 16th birthday and they married as soon as he got out of jail. 30 years on they are the only couple I know who are still married. The sad thing is she never spoke to her parents again. They have no idea that they have 3 grandchildren and 2 great grand children.

We tend to think that kids don't know their own mind, but astonishingly marriages where neither party has ever had any other serious relationship tend to work very well!

Answer 10

Wow lady. I think that you need to relax. If the guy was willing to come and talk to you while you're asking him what his intentions are AND your daughter was willing to bring him over...I'd say that you have nothing to worry about.

I would trust your daughter and let her have him as a friend, saying you forbid her to see him would only make her hate you...and as it is, it sounds like she trusts you--so put the same trust in her.

Maybe after a while of being good friends they'll end up falling for eachother and being really good for eachother. Who knows. but I'd say the biggest thing is the fact that he came to your house and sat down with you and talked with you about your concerns...honestly, how many guys do you know that would do that?! Please don't stress, also...it'll be up to your daughter to say when she is "ready", and if she's saying that now then that's great and you should believe her. The biggest mistake that parents make is freaking out about what their kids are doing, if you're calm and reasonable she won't mind coming to you for the bigger problems, which is always a good thing. :-) Good luck.

Answer 11

Sounds like you are worrying too much. He lives with a friend and friends mom? Ok, not the best scenario, but he is doing what he has to do. Works? Good. He is showing some responsibility. Goes to college? Doesn't do drugs? Again...showing responsibility. Has motorbikes? Is that supposed to make him different somehow? I know many very respectable, generous people who own motorcycles.