Single motherhood, without attempting to be politically correct?

Question

Is it wrong if we put some of the blame on the woman who chose the wrong man and didn't use enough protection and got pregnant?

I'm not a single mom, so I know it's easy for me to preach all day long. But I'm also a woman and I have the power of deciding who to get involved with and who to get pregnant by.

Please note, I'm not taking any responsiblity away from the man's portion, but I feel that the woman is also responsible. The only victim here is the child who didn't have the freedom of choice but is suffering the consequences.

I also know all cases are not as black and white---I'm mainly speaking of relationships in which the father was absent from the beginning.

Unavail- I don't know where you got the welfare talk from? A child needing two full-time, available parents has nothing to do with money--money don't make up for an absent father. Fatherhood can't be replaced by a paycheck. And I know lots of single mothers do a great job playing the dual role, but the child will always be at a disadvantage without an active father around. And please note, I did say the father bears responsiblity also and that all cases are not as black and white.

Teelee: Kudos to you and this question is certainly not taking anything from the efforts and struggles of single mothers who take dual responsibility--I'm sorry if you took it that way.

Teelee: Aww..I'm glad. I would feel the same way if I had lived through the struggles of single parenthood. This is not to point fingers, but to educate women/girls to choose wisely and selectively who you give your body and that every woman has the power to avoid certain situations.

As single parents, you need all the help and support you can get--no need to bash and repeat the "should haves"

No whiner. I think you're confusing me with someone else.

Answer 1

No, it's not wrong, in my opinon, and I absolutely agree with you.
I think women should analyze themselves before blaming men for their misery, as our choices are in most part, the reason why we find ourselves in those kinds of situations, where innocent children are then the sufferers (this related to what you meant specifically).

Being raped is out of one's control, but as part of an opposite sex relationship in which both partners (if not polygamous) are not taking the proper measures to ensure that she does not become pregnant, then it is her responsibility, just as it is his, if it were to take place.
And by the way, most of the time, a man's character is reflected in many subtle ways (and sometimes even obvious) before a woman gets herself caught up in such a web.
If a man does not take responsibility in other areas of the relationship and in doing his part as a man, then most likely, he will not do so as a father. Women who choose to remain with men whom they are well aware are not good for them, are then held accountable for remaining with such, just as the men themselves are responsible for their actions (or lack of).
Good question, as usual.

Answer 2

certainly we can place some of the blame on the woman who chooses the wrong may and becomes pregnant but if she thinks he is the right man she may want to have the baby with him and suffers when he turns out to be a jerk. If we are assigning blame, we might as well blame the movies and television for promoting the ideas that it is possible to chose a mate, have children and live happily ever after. It does happen, but too often she believes in the fairy tale rather than the reality and lets her emotions rule her heart and ends up as a single parent, and we can often say the same with men as well.
If we start policing others on the basis of their actions, we can get into dangerous territory because we are letting some decide what is right or wrong based upon their own value system and we can see how poorly that works by the fact that politicians who have never had to worry about a baby sitter, never had to worry about gas prices, never have had to go to a grocery store to shop for food for the next day, and so on passes laws that they are not affected by but affect the lives of millions of others.
It is better if we decide on a case to case basis what a situation is and stop trying to be so politically correct.

Answer 3

This question hit a major sore spot for me. We are talking about human beings here, not victims. My child is in no way a victim because I am a single parent, and I am not an idiot who should be blamed for anything because that's how our lives have turned out. I didn't plan to be a single parent, but you can be rest assured that when that was the result, I became very good at being both a mother and a father. There are a lot of circumstances here that I won't get into, but when a woman is in this position, she has many choices. I was being pushed to have an abortion (not by the father) and refused; then I was hidden away in a basement for 4 months with the expectation of giving her up for adoption--I refused. I kept my daughter because, despite being young, I wanted her. I knew exactly what I was in for, and none of it has been easy. She is now pre-med, and I couldn't be more proud. I don't expect kudos, just as I don't expect blame for any choices I have made that have had absolutely no impact on anyone else but myself and my daughter. She's just fine, thank you, and that is because I rose to the occasion. Was I irresponsible for my daughter not having a "real" father in her life? As my own father (who was raised by a single mother) always says "one good parent is better than two bad ones."

Edit: Lioness: You are one of the most fair persons on this forum, so I know you meant no harm. I was just a bit taken aback by some of the responses, and I'll admit, some of the terminology of victimhood. I prefer not to see my child as a victim, so that's what rankled me. So no apology necessary...I've read enough from you to know you are not mean-spirited and always try to be fair. It is a tough subject for me, though, as I've encountered a lot of negativity around single parenthood. Thank you for your edit: anything I had to say has come from many years of stigmatization, and I suppose I jumped on this as a result. You're a sweetheart, and I mean no offense to you at all.

Answer 4

This, like so many things, is a case by case problem. People change over time. Just got to hope your spouse isn't one of them.

I don't blame anyone for their mistakes because I don't know exactly what happened. My mother was/is a single mom. She married her high school sweet heart who was "a sweet boy" at the time. Over 6 years they had my sister and I. Then he became an alcoholic. Then he became a cheater. Then he went to play pool and never came back. That happened when I was 1 and my sister was 5. How is that my mothers fault? Your right, your not a single mom. And I am going to guess your where not raised by a single mom either. I hope you will never know what that's like, but if you do, then we can talk.

EDIT: She never received child support and raised us completely on her own income for all but a year. That year she was working, going to school and on welfare to make up for the small difference. She is now an engineer.

Answer 5

Harsh though it may sound in some instances, it takes two to tango so the responsibility rests with mother and father so ideally both of them should contribute equally to the child's welfare. I'm not taking about money, but about time and attention and upbringing. The child didn't bring about the situation so it is entitled to the best.

Recrimination doesn't help the child any.

Answer 6

Of course it all boils down to what is the truth and what is one's perception of the truth.
Example: I would love to share custody of my child but her mother has faught me tooth and nail so that she may gain primary custody all in the effort to increase child support (my opinion based off my observation). If you were to ask her she would probably say I am (as Carrie put it) an @sshole misogonist.
Perhaps you could say I made a very poor decision on who I wanted to have children with, and I would agree. I do however take responsibility for my actions and have put forth the effort to put the best interest of the child first.
I always seem to question it when a woman calls her ex a dead beat, or abusive and mainly just dismiss it as I don't know his side of the story.
To answer your question however, maturity has something to do with who we pick as partners. I blame my self for pick unwisely. I would expect people not to judge me and leave that up to my self for I am the only one who must suffer the consequences. Plus I do not portray my self as the victim and do not expect special treatment so really a person who feels they must pass judgement on anothers spousal choice is person who might see how that other person is trying to place all blame on their ex-spouse.
(hope that made sense)

Answer 7

No. It is never EVER acceptable to blame the woman. For anything. PERIOD.

You can blame the man or you can say we shouldn't worry about blame, but focus constructively on the child's welfare, but you CANNOT ever blame the woman. Even a LITTLE.

EDIT

After reading Carrie's revised answer, I adjust my own: apparently it does make some sense to suggest that women show more discretion in the partners they choose and be more conscientious about birth control. But be careful even saying this, lest it be perceived as denying that men have any responsibility. Men also bear the blame for failing to be conscientious about birth control and any man who abandons his responsibilities should rightfully be condemned.

Answer 8

Some men can be chameleons when it comes to a new relationship. They might seem like the best thing that's ever happened at first but that changes once they think they've got you.

As an example from the book "The Sociopath Next Door" a smart, college-educated woman was taken in by a smart smooth-talker with no conscience.

Sometimes it's apparent that a man (or woman) is bad news from the start and bad relationship material but you don't always know.

Answer 9

I don't think it's fair to judge all single mothers with the same gavel.

I do think that any woman over 21 must be held accountable for her actions... I don't like to call it "blame" because nothing productive comes from blaming.

I also think that younger women need to learn responsibility for their actions, but I offer them support rather than blame because the reason they got pregnant can be attributed to the failure of an adult to properly educate them about sex, birth control and relationships.

Answer 10

There is far too many variables involved with this question, to administer a blanket reaction to a single mother.

I always try to consider multiple viewpoints in my processing answers and solutions. The thing is, that I've been done wrong by women that I had no idea that she was capable of those actions(and this is even after a few years). I've also avoided women that I knew was wrong for me(or wrong for any man really, except for the guys who are just as bad). Well, I could imagine that all of this could be applied to women as well. There may be circumstances that she becomes pregnant and never thought the guy would leave on her. One big thing to consider also, is that:
- 40% of mothers reported that they had interfered with the fathers visitation to punish their ex-spouse.
["Frequency of Visitation" by Sanford Braver, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry]

- 50% of mothers see no value in the fathers continued contact with his children.
["Surviving the Breakup" by Joan Berlin Kelly]

So, it's not always the man who runs off, in single mother situations.

So, is it her fault? It appears that in a lot of the situations, the answer is yes, but definitely not in all the situations.