My husband of 20 years and I have had our ups and downs in the last few years. We nearly separated a couple of times. During a discussion last night, he accused me of talking to people about him. I admitted I had, but not for a year. I asked if he had talked to anyone about me. He said no, but I could tell he was lying. He splits hairs, so I asked it several different ways. He said no. Later, he said he had talked to a friend (who I know of, but do not know and never see). Why would he have lied about this? I was actually asking because his former secretary called him last Sat nite when I was out with the kids. There are several calls between them on his phone over the last few weeks - on Thurs and Fri at the end of the day.
2007-10-25 06:31:48 · 17 answers · asked by xxxxxxxxx 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Many couples make the mistake of venting to others about the faults they find in their spouses. This is a total breech of trust and should stop as it can kill any warm feelings between the couple. As far as the secretary I feel other than for business she truly should have no other reason to call him at his home. Look into this, ask him and keep your eyes and ears open.
2007-10-25 06:41:19 · answer #1 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're right--he's a hair splitter. And probably a lot more. If you guys can't be real with each other, then the relationship is over. A husband and wife, when it all boils down, are really the only two people who NEED to be real with each other. If not, each person will suffer and the kids will suffer, etc. This secretary thing sounds fishy, since you asked. He has no reason to be talking to her! And it's alraight to talk to your friends about your spouse, as long as you aren't bashing your spouse. Asking questions is fine! ie: "Has John said anything to you lately? I'm worried because he's acting really depressed..." And that's ONLY after you've talked to your spouse. Either leave and move on, or stay and remain the victim. Tell him that if he can't get real with you, then there's no real trust. And if he tells you that you don't trust him, admit that you don't, but that you want to. This might make him see you are serious about your feelings and that he needs to make some serious changes or the marriage will be over. Be prepared--that may be EXACTLY what he's looking for.
2007-10-25 06:48:19 · answer #2 · answered by Jennifer R 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should ask him why a FORMER secretary would have any kind of instance at all to call him. In fact, you should bust his butt cold. You should ask him, "Look, I know something but I'm going to give you a chance to come clean and tell me the truth, you have one opportunity to tell me and if you don't I'm going to take that as a hint that you no longer have any stock in this relationship in which case neither one of us should waste our time." See if he tells you. I have been SO busted by this tactic before with my ex (I was really young) and I ended up spilling the beans about something he didn't even know about and was triple-busted. Anyway you have to mean it though, or at least look like you do. If you are a pushover then there is no way whatsoever he would believe you so in that case you may as well just call the secretary and find out what's up with her, I mean, just so you know. Just don't underestimate the power of your intuition, if you honestly feel something is off, then it probably is. I know 20 years is an incredibly long period of time to be with the same person so seperation can be somewhat sticky but you can't let yourself be a doormat for the next 10 or 15 either. Also stress the importance of NO LIES. Lies, even white ones, tear people apart and are good indicators that if someone will lie to you over stupid stuff, they for sure will lie about big things, after all, who wants to be in trouble?
Good luck
2007-10-25 06:43:23 · answer #3 · answered by Gena 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Right now he's setting you up to be the one that calls it quits, that way he can make it your idea to split up. He won't feel as guilty then about what he's doing with the secretary. I can guarantee you that you are already the bad guy in her eyes and that of his friends. Decide if you are going to ignore this or do something about it. Stop acting like this bothers you in front of him. Instead, act like you don't care, that you could never picture him doing anything other than being a wonderful husband. That the world revolves around him. His own guilt will come out. But you have to prepare yourself and the kids for being on your own. Save money, find a good attorney, remain calm. Do what you need to do for yourself and your children. Just kill him with kindness until you are ready to take care of yourself.
2007-10-25 09:28:45 · answer #4 · answered by danelady7 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is the real issue here? Sounds to me that you are both insecure in your relationship. This is a petty argument.
Do you monitor all of his phone calls? Do you always check up on each other? If this is the case, you are headed for disaster.
I was given this advice many years ago and it has transformed my life:
"Wake up every morning and say to yourself, what can I do today that will make my husband and kids life better." And do it!
If you change your behavior, you will see a huge change in your marriage. I am not saying that all of the issues are your fault. But something has to change. So be the one to make the change!
2007-10-25 06:38:51 · answer #5 · answered by Tadpoler 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The reason he wants to know if you have been talking to anyone about him is because he feels GUILTY and it would make him feel better knowing that you are doing or have done the same thing he is doing, probably with his secretary. It may be nothing going on other than him confiding in her about his marital problems. She is probably reassuring him that he is right and feeding his Ego. He will end up developing feelings for her because she "understands him". But that stuff needs to be NIPPED IN THE BUD!! He needs to stop confiding in her and start confiding in YOU and working on the marriage.
2007-10-25 08:29:19 · answer #6 · answered by casey308 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he needs to make himself look good in front of his former secretary! I wonder why???? Maybe because there is an attraction between them!!!! I don't trust no women calling my man and especially not at home!
He shouldn't be talking to anybody about you especially to an other women!
2007-10-25 06:43:14 · answer #7 · answered by irishpr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the answer above. Why? is not the question you should asking. He lied and there is no excuse to justify that. You should try to figure out when and how you are going to deal with this and what you want out of this relationship. Is it worth staying and dealing with the constant suspicion or would it be better to leave and have your sanity? The secr. thingy seems scandalous and I wouldn't let it slide at all. Put your foot down and don't let him get away with this.
2007-10-25 06:38:51 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who cares about "why"? The point is that he lied. And now he is talking to a former secretary. So now the question is what are you going to do about it?
2007-10-25 06:34:37 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Do you want to save your marriage or are you tired of your lier husband? Sounds like he's cheating on you with his former secretary. It sucks! You have two choices: either you make him fall in love with you all over again and get rid of the s.t.u.p.i.d. secretary, or you kick him to the curb. It's your decision.
2007-10-25 06:46:44 · answer #10 · answered by MiaMonique 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋